The year was 1997. Favorite city haunts of ours included Reptilian Books, Stikky Fingers and several other places that no longer exist; long before Harbor East was on the map and the hyper-gentrification of Federal Hill made the 8×10 seem almost out of place. In these days, the days when Lith Hall saw forty or fifty crust punks for every hipster, there was Atomic TV. I first caught wind of Atomic TV while sneaking into a Jim Rose show at the aforementioned Lithuanian Hall, noticing hosts Scott Huffines and Tom Warner (also of Atomic Books fame) manning video cameras, capturing the kickass twisted performance.

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It has been said by some that miracles exist in this world. Sometimes, lightning strikes twice in the same place, or two bullets fired from opposing guns collide, or a dog gets issued a credit card. This my friends, is one of those occasions.

I have heard from others and personally experienced legendarily bad food at Holy Frijoles (908 W 36th St., Hampden) over the years; tales of dried, cracked enchiladas, hard rice that could chip teeth and stale quesadillas that may or may not have been sitting under a rug some where.

But this time, THIS time. I am blown away. These nachos are fantastic. $6 will get you cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black olives and sour cream. For a buck more, your choice of refried or black beans. And for another added dollar, your choice of chicken, steak, beef, chorizo or veggies (those pictured were $8 with black beans and chicken).

What makes them fantastic? Well, the chips are light, unsalted and toasted to an almost-burnt but still damn fine crispiness. The ingredients are well mixed into the pile and there were no naked chips. The serving size, for 8 bucks, is pretty large – especially with meat included. And the salsa is fresh, with just a bit of cilantro.

But what set the value apart in my mind was this: for $11, you can get the “supreme” version of these nachos with EVERY SINGLE OPTIONAL INGREDIENT. $11 for nachos with cheese, salsa, jalapenos, black beans, refried beans, sour cream, olives, and all four meat varieties – AND veggies? Holy crap! Er, Frijoles!

Caveat – and this may or may not explain the quality and timeliness of service during my visit to this ‘versial establishment: I was the only one there, and it was during lunch. Your experience may vary and I exempt myself from any and all liability. Either way, this specific plate kicked total ass and it’s easily in the top 3.

5 out of 5 golden nachos

(view the NachoQuest map so far here)

This is truly and without question one of those days that the namesake of this website couldn’t be more appropriate.

The Sun reports this morning (A Flamingo Flap, 10/21/2009) that the giant, controversial (what?), pink flamingo adorning Cafe Hon in Hampden has been removed as a result of the owner, Denise Whiting, refusing to pay a fee of $800 for the ‘privilege’ of intruding upon public space. Other examples include outdoor seating, chalkboard advertisements (what an invasion of my space!) and statues, apparently. Really, none of the legalities or arguments as to whether or not this big dumb bird belongs on the restaurant’s fire escape interest me terribly. But let me tell you what does: reading the comments left on the article. MAN. High level entertainment. From the mess, here’s what I’ve kind of learned about this whole thing:

• Hampdenites tend to think very, very little of Cafe Hon, Honfest and the owner of Cafe Hon in general.
• Everyone else thinks the flamingo is an icon.
• The owner is “controversial” to the point that I overheard a reporter asking about her at another Hampden restaurant, which will undoubtedly result in an article about her specifically and therefore give her (and her restaurant) more publicity.
• Regardless of the situation’s outcome, Cafe Hon is going to benefit due to said publicity.
• Teenagers are still being shot and dying elsewhere in the city.

Again, I couldn’t care less about the flamingo or what people think about it, so I’d like to use this situation as an opportunity to make one simple point about living in and operating a business in Baltimore City: Sooner or later they will find a new way to try to get your money, one way or another. Always and forever.

And I’m not seemingly suggesting that a business shouldn’t pay for intruding on the use of common space – if it’s an actual intrusion or god forbid a legitimate safety hazard. Outdoor seating or some sort of ornamental fountain, these things get in the way of me trying to walk the full width of a particular sidewalk and a business should pay for such things, especially if they stand to profit due to their presence. But a statue of Elvis, chalkboard with specials on it, or a giant flamingo hovering ten feet above the ground at its lowest point? Not getting in the way, and not hurting anyone.

But the city hungers. It is entitled. It finds a way to walk right up to a business or home and knock on the door and say “Excuse me, but you owe us $800 for this.”

And where, exactly, did that figure come from? $800? Would it have been less if the flamingo were smaller, or if it were instead a flat tapestry hanging off of the fire escape instead of a sculpture protruding 1.5 feet outward? Would anyone have cared if it were a big American flag? In my mind the answer to the figure’s origin is pretty simple; it’s arbitrary. And I guarantee that if paid, the fee would go up in time and a new excuse would be made for why it has become necessary to pay $1000 to put a chalkboard on a sidewalk.

When infrequent author wgatsum asked the question “What’s the point of the Department of General Services?” last November, we all kind of shrugged and wrote it off as another waste of time and energy by the city government to perpetuate its own existence. Now it would seem that one of its main functions is pretty clear; to write parking tickets for buildings.

This very special Mealtime! brought to you by Spam and the Ministry of Bacon.

What: Elvis Pancakes (or Lisa Marie if you want a half order) Where: Golden West Cafe (1105 W 36th St, Hampden) How Much: $13 for Elvis, $8 for Lisa Marie Synopsis: The Elvis pancake platter consists of two buttermilk pancakes with applewood bacon inside, topped with sauteed bananas, honey, and peanut butter.

Baltimore Bacon Czar Spammy describes the situation as such:

The pancakes were huge and fluffy, the bananas were soft like little yellow clouds, and the peanut butter and honey mixed into a potion almost (but not quite) too sweet to bear.

“But what about that bacon?” you ask. The bacon itself was spectacular; our High Priestess Anna thought it was a bit too smoky for her taste, but it was certainly high-quality bacon, well-cooked but still just chewy enough to allow the full flavor to come through. However…we had to admit, it was a bit out of place in the dish. It’s kind of like having William Shatner at a college house party: didn’t really fit in perfectly with everything else that was going on, but an awesome addition to the scene that you wouldn’t even think of turning away.

For the record, if William Shatner showed up to a house party it wouldn’t matter if it were out of place, because it would be literally the most incredibly kickass thing to ever happen to a house party, ever, ever. -Evan

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