(props to spamspam for the heads up)

Ah yes, the highly obnoxious and destructive internet sensation known as Bros Icing Bros. A fine prank to pull on your fellow bros, but it lacks the additional benefit of a ridiculous sexual secondary joke. Well, to fill that gap we now have Dudes BJ’ing Dudes, a method of forcing your friends to drink crappy Bartles and James flavors while simultaneously working a gay joke into the mix. Hilarious. Will this iteration of the “forcing your friends to drink gross shit” prank catch on? Who knows! One thing I do know, however, is that the original Bartles and James commercials from the 80s still kick the ass of most of the over-stylized pewp seen in bottled booze ads these days, right Ed? AND THANK YOU. FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

Yesterday was Earth Day, and like most of you I found myself reading 123456789 articles about the Earth itself, mostly about how it’s actively trying to kill us all currently in the form of volcanoes, historically significant earthquakes and the impending emergence of the Mole People who want to eradicate humanity (probably).

One string of articles I read illustrated how the Waterfront Partnership is unveiling its “Healthy Harbor Initiative,” a 10 year effort to clean Baltimore’s inner harbor. You can read the full breadth of their first year’s proposal here, essentially it’s a laundry list of ways that WP can and will insert itself into future harbor development and attempt to score lots of city/state/federal grants for the foreseeable future, including dressing people up as fish to educate the public about clean water. Coz hey, somebody’s gotta do it.

(continue reading…)

Don’t get me wrong folks. Theoretically green beer on St. Patrick’s Day is a fun way to be festive without wearing 265754 pieces of stupid flair, wigs, leotards, “DRINK ME I’M IRISH LOL” shirts, whatever.

And once you’ve had your penny Guinness, your dollar Jameson, your two penny XTREME Guinness Bawls Guarana Car Bomb XTREME you’re more than ready and willing to swill down anything green, whether it’s beer or bong water. But GOD DAMN, I drank a few of these green abominations this past Saturday- essentially Miller Lite with water and food coloring – and I do declare I’ll never stray from the brown beers again.

…until tomorrow. When I do it again. Dammit. Happy Actual St. Patrick’s Day everyone.

They won't look like this.

It came to my attention last Friday via Pork Magazine (wait what?) that Burger King will begin testing the addition of pork short ribs to their menu in several key markets. Dubbed “Fire-Grilled Ribs,” and a long term plan to offer the ribs in up to 3,500 of its locations in the U.S., it remains clear that Burger King wants us to all die a little sooner.

The more fascinating aspect of these upcoming horrors of fast food is the fact that they will be bone-in; whereas the slightly less horrifying (but no less disgusting) McRib contains 100% less bones, the vision of a Burger King littered with rib bones left behind by ignorant customers is kind of – make that really – disgusting. And I guess functionally the bone litter is no different than any fried chicken joint, but quite frankly most of those places are disgusting out loud as well. So Rat’s Off To Ya, Burger King!! Can’t wait to not try this product!

The short answer to this question is no, no we should not smell like hamburgers. After the holidays, I found in my mailbox the Burger King Flame “body spray” that I ordered some time ago and thought “heh.” It comes in a tiny bottle much like the bottle in the picture, in fact it’s almost actual size in the picture depending on your monitor, and with due diligence I sprayed as bit on my wrist.

Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly smell like hamburgers, or really much of anything at all except for the cheapest, crappiest cologne imaginable. Every. Single. Person. That has smelled this stuff has likened it to Sex Panther at some point in their reaction to it, without exception.

To make matters really much worse, the bottle leaks slightly and while holding this demon concoction in my pocket, it got all over my hand and I’m pretty sure I can still smell it, almost 24 hours and several hand washings later. No bones about it, this stuff is not good. It got to the point last night where some friends and I were pranking each other unfortunate bar patrons (inadvertently) by spraying one another during fake hugout sessions, effectively ruining our chances of being normal parts of society for the time being. This crap is truly abhorrent.

In close, while Burger King may have the occasional stroke of brilliance with their advertising schemes, they really ought not to try body sprays again. Please, really. For all of us.