Snowpocalypse 2009 is occurring this weekend according to the National Weather Scientist People (Incorporated) and it’s time to take stock of what to do in Baltimore in the event of a giant snowtastrophe. This list is 1000% necessary to your survival!! We’re through the looking glass here, people.

SNOWPOCALYPSE IS NIGH

• Drive 3 mph at the first sign of a single flake on the pavement.
• FREAK OUT AND BUY TOILET PAPER BREAD EGGS AND MILK IMMEDIATELY AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
• Go to Federal Hill park at 2pm on Saturday, December 19th and take part in a huge snowball fight.
• Head to The Dizz and warm your feet by their enormous fireplace.
• Go sledding on the west end of Federal Hill Park, the Board of Education in Towson, CCBC in Catonsville, or Leakin Park.
• Laugh at the school kids who won’t be getting a day off since the snow hits on Saturday.
• Bring a thermos of hot chocolate to any of your favorite bars or restaurants and just sit there drinking hot chocolate.
• Make snow angels on Rash Field (or any other field, for that matter)
• Go cross country skiing at Fort McHenry – if it’s open!
• Sit at home and complain about how you can’t get holiday shopping done because there’s too much awesome snow outside.
• drink. HEAVILY (@ryan97ou)
• Put cheap furniture in your parking spot such as (but not limited to) lawn chairs, stools, anything to save that spot you dug out. (Tracy)
• Find your local bar then drunkenly help push out the bad city snow drivers (that didn’t realize you can’t drive though 2 feet of snow in a ford focus) on the walk home. (Tracy)
• Watch local newscasters throwing their mics into people’s faces and ask them how miserable they are in the snow. Then wait for the next piece: a heartwarming tale about sledding and snowman building. (@threestonesteps)

PLEAS ADD YOUR VITAL SURVIVAL TIPS TO THIS LIST PLEASE OK THANK YOU

Yeah at first Snuggies were kind of funny to me. The cult-member appeal, the idea of wearing the equivalent of a hospital gown made of LUXURIOUS material granting everyone the ability to answer the phone without the major hassle that a blanket might confer, I could kind of see it. Plus, the commercials are a gas.

But like most as seen on TV products, things have gone overboard. Like the Chia Pet before it, Snuggies have become insane mutations of themselves, coming in zebra pattern, dog varieties, and the dreaded Peekaroo (not an actual Snuggie brand product but far more sinister) – just to name a few.

And you’d think with 47 varieties of Snuggies and various god awful commercials associated with each one, that’d be enough. You’d be wrong. The latest Snuggie commercial features a horrendous theme song, lame ass white guys raising the roof, and families of Snuggie adorned dumbasses “Getting on their Snuggie!”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!! There’s also a really horrible Snuggie Fan Club website where awful, horrible people can upload pictures of themselves and their dogs in Snuggies! Or maybe report on Snuggie bar crawls that they went on! There’s even a completely useless flash game in which you can upload pictures of your friends and have them dance in Snuggies!!! (except it’s completely broken and doesn’t work, I even opened it in Creative Suite and tried to get it to work with no success)

PLEASE STOP IT, SNUGGIES! YOU’RE KILLING US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This is truly and without question one of those days that the namesake of this website couldn’t be more appropriate.

The Sun reports this morning (A Flamingo Flap, 10/21/2009) that the giant, controversial (what?), pink flamingo adorning Cafe Hon in Hampden has been removed as a result of the owner, Denise Whiting, refusing to pay a fee of $800 for the ‘privilege’ of intruding upon public space. Other examples include outdoor seating, chalkboard advertisements (what an invasion of my space!) and statues, apparently. Really, none of the legalities or arguments as to whether or not this big dumb bird belongs on the restaurant’s fire escape interest me terribly. But let me tell you what does: reading the comments left on the article. MAN. High level entertainment. From the mess, here’s what I’ve kind of learned about this whole thing:

• Hampdenites tend to think very, very little of Cafe Hon, Honfest and the owner of Cafe Hon in general.
• Everyone else thinks the flamingo is an icon.
• The owner is “controversial” to the point that I overheard a reporter asking about her at another Hampden restaurant, which will undoubtedly result in an article about her specifically and therefore give her (and her restaurant) more publicity.
• Regardless of the situation’s outcome, Cafe Hon is going to benefit due to said publicity.
• Teenagers are still being shot and dying elsewhere in the city.

Again, I couldn’t care less about the flamingo or what people think about it, so I’d like to use this situation as an opportunity to make one simple point about living in and operating a business in Baltimore City: Sooner or later they will find a new way to try to get your money, one way or another. Always and forever.

And I’m not seemingly suggesting that a business shouldn’t pay for intruding on the use of common space – if it’s an actual intrusion or god forbid a legitimate safety hazard. Outdoor seating or some sort of ornamental fountain, these things get in the way of me trying to walk the full width of a particular sidewalk and a business should pay for such things, especially if they stand to profit due to their presence. But a statue of Elvis, chalkboard with specials on it, or a giant flamingo hovering ten feet above the ground at its lowest point? Not getting in the way, and not hurting anyone.

But the city hungers. It is entitled. It finds a way to walk right up to a business or home and knock on the door and say “Excuse me, but you owe us $800 for this.”

And where, exactly, did that figure come from? $800? Would it have been less if the flamingo were smaller, or if it were instead a flat tapestry hanging off of the fire escape instead of a sculpture protruding 1.5 feet outward? Would anyone have cared if it were a big American flag? In my mind the answer to the figure’s origin is pretty simple; it’s arbitrary. And I guarantee that if paid, the fee would go up in time and a new excuse would be made for why it has become necessary to pay $1000 to put a chalkboard on a sidewalk.

When infrequent author wgatsum asked the question “What’s the point of the Department of General Services?” last November, we all kind of shrugged and wrote it off as another waste of time and energy by the city government to perpetuate its own existence. Now it would seem that one of its main functions is pretty clear; to write parking tickets for buildings.

This is literally an idea I had for a Halloween costume today that I for some reason bothered to conceptualize.
The alternative is the raptor head with a Hef smoking jacket.

AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE, COZ Clever Girl.

Another day, yet another time wasting, productivity sapping bit of webspace that you shouldn’t be looking at but will anyway. Presenting Lamebook, a collection of submitted “Worst of the worst” of Facebook status updates, pictures and conversations. It’s truly inspired. Granted, one would only have to look around on Myspace for about three seconds to find idiocy of this caliber, but someone already did it for you in this case, so you might as well enjoy it!

BONUS BILLY MAYS FAILURE