Well it would seem the city council’s long standing tradition of trying to tax literally anything and everything under the guise of environmental or safety concerns has come to a head this week, as the now nearly two year old issue (1, 2, 3) of the city’s efforts to ban/tax plastic bag usage at grocery stores has been brought to light again.

Realistically there’s no way in the world the city council will end up banning them, for as we all know, there’s no money in that. The alternate intent is currently to issue a 25 cent surcharge on each and every plastic bag used, the aim being to “reduce litter” across the city. I modestly propose several reasons why this is horribly misguided. Again. For the third time in two years.

Everyone is already pissed

Property taxes in Baltimore are as high as ever, we just ousted a corrupt mayor who will be receiving an $83,000 annual pension regardless of her transgression, and let’s face it the economy is still very well lodged directly in the bottom of the toilet. And you want to make people pay for plastic grocery bags, on top of all of it? Makes perfect sense!

The market is handling it

Dunno if everyone has noticed (they have), but almost every grocery store has started placing bag recycling boxes outside of their locations and have been offering incentives to reuse bags or reusable totes. The businesses are creating an incentive and the people are taking advantage of it. No legislation necessary. Additionally consider this: implement the fee and people who live on the city’s borders (Irvington, West Gate, etc) will simply drive an extra half a mile and shop outside of the city, where the fee is nonexistent – then proceed to drive back into the city, unload their groceries and throw the plastic bags into the street anyway. So you’ve effectively lowered the level of business conducted in the city AND not solved the litter problem. Way to go!

The “gotcha” effect

So let me get this straight: I’m supposed to carry plastic bags or reusable tote bags with me everywhere, all of the time in an effort to avoid being penalized unless I’ve planned on a shopping trip ahead of time? I’m really supposed to always have one on hand, when I need to run into 7-11 and grab some quick food?

The “dogshit” effect

It’s no mystery to anyone that Baltimore has a dogshit problem. In fact I get the sensation that if plastic grocery bags didn’t exist, the city would be blanketed in dogshit. Granted, it’s just as easy to pick up a canine pet’s excrement using a sandwich bag or something slightly smaller, but more than likely a lot of people will simply stop picking up their dog’s shit if they have to pay a quarter every time they do so.

…..actually, the idea of paying a quarter to pick up crap to me is kind of a beautiful cruelty. And for that reason this is my only point I will make in favor of the tax. Mwaaaaahahahahahahahaha!

Anyway, the 25 cent fee proposed is a deliberate move to overshoot the actual amount they probably think they’ll get through. Obviously 25 cents is incredibly high, whereas DC’s 5 cent surcharge would probably be the intended target. The whole point is to get the concept of levying the fee through the door, get the public semi-comfortable with it, and finally get it passed at a lower level than initially proposed. Classic politics, emphasis on ‘ass.’ My advice to you, dear reader, is to not fall for it – because they’re just going to try it again with something else later.

Big ups to Kate for providing these choice product videos, both of which are absolutely essential for your survival:

A gun rack! For your bed!

A rack rack! For your rack!

We’ve all been there before. You’re sitting on a plane, bored out your skull because you forgot to bring a book or a gameboy, and some asshole has filled out the crossword AND the sudoku IN PEN in the back of the stupid inflight magazine. Desperate for entertainment, you reach out with a wincing pained look on your face and pick up the last ditch, bottom of the barrel form of airplane entertainment: Sky Mall. All the lazer guided forks you could ever want to pay entirely too much for, right at your fingertips.

Truly there is a place in this world for even the most useless products, and Sky Mall is most certainly the place to find them. Here are my favorites.

	TELEKINETIC OBSTACLE COURSE Have you ever felt like moving a ball with a fan through a hoop – WITH YOUR BRAIN?? Then this ridiculous looking piece of crap is for you!! Only $99.95!! Order Now!!
LASER GUIDED POOL CUE Are you so shitty at pool that you need to cheat and use a laser to line up your shot? Do you feel the need to put batteries in your pool cue? Then this ridiculous looking piece of crap is for you!! Only $129.95!! Order Now!!
	ELECTRONIC FENG SHUI COMPASS Are you a total moron? Then this ridiculous piece of crap is for you!! Only $199.99!! Order Now!!
SUNLIGHT 365 Do you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) and need a thing to sit on your desk that shines a bright light in your face? Then this ridiculous piece of crap is for you!! Only $59.99!! Order Now!!
	SOLAFEET FOOT TANNER Do you want or need to tan your FUCKING FEET at home or in the office?!?!?! Then this ridiculous piece of crap is for you!! Only $229.99!! Order Now!!
HEAD SPA MASSAGER BWAHAHAHAHAHAahahahahhahahaha wtf order now only $49.95.
	LIGHT THERAPY SYSTEM STICK YOUR FACE IN THIS THING IT HEALS STUFF ORDER NOW $399.95
PERSONAL INFRARED SAUNA ………..sweet jesus what the CHRIST. order now only $499.00
	UNDERWATER CELL PHONE SYSTEM WHY. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVER CONCEIVABLY NEED TO MAKE A GODDAMN CELL PHONE CALL WHILE SCUBA DIVING. JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST. GOOD GOD. ORDER NOW ONLY …..$1790!?!?!?!?!? GGAAAAAAAAH!!!

ORDER NOW!!!

Hey! Would you like to watch a movie about angsty teens that just so happen to be the children of GREEK GODS that need to recover Zeus’ lightning bolt which has been stolen in order to prevent a huge war? Hell yeah you don’t! So laugh at this trailer!

Snowpocalypse 2009 is occurring this weekend according to the National Weather Scientist People (Incorporated) and it’s time to take stock of what to do in Baltimore in the event of a giant snowtastrophe. This list is 1000% necessary to your survival!! We’re through the looking glass here, people.

SNOWPOCALYPSE IS NIGH

• Drive 3 mph at the first sign of a single flake on the pavement.
• FREAK OUT AND BUY TOILET PAPER BREAD EGGS AND MILK IMMEDIATELY AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
• Go to Federal Hill park at 2pm on Saturday, December 19th and take part in a huge snowball fight.
• Head to The Dizz and warm your feet by their enormous fireplace.
• Go sledding on the west end of Federal Hill Park, the Board of Education in Towson, CCBC in Catonsville, or Leakin Park.
• Laugh at the school kids who won’t be getting a day off since the snow hits on Saturday.
• Bring a thermos of hot chocolate to any of your favorite bars or restaurants and just sit there drinking hot chocolate.
• Make snow angels on Rash Field (or any other field, for that matter)
• Go cross country skiing at Fort McHenry – if it’s open!
• Sit at home and complain about how you can’t get holiday shopping done because there’s too much awesome snow outside.
• drink. HEAVILY (@ryan97ou)
• Put cheap furniture in your parking spot such as (but not limited to) lawn chairs, stools, anything to save that spot you dug out. (Tracy)
• Find your local bar then drunkenly help push out the bad city snow drivers (that didn’t realize you can’t drive though 2 feet of snow in a ford focus) on the walk home. (Tracy)
• Watch local newscasters throwing their mics into people’s faces and ask them how miserable they are in the snow. Then wait for the next piece: a heartwarming tale about sledding and snowman building. (@threestonesteps)

PLEAS ADD YOUR VITAL SURVIVAL TIPS TO THIS LIST PLEASE OK THANK YOU