Tag: dixon

Own a piece of Baltimore’s corrupt history!

by Evan on Mar.09, 2010, under Baltimore, Crass Consumerism

In what simply must be the greatest news ever to hit my cerebral cortex in no less than twelve lifetimes, disgraced former mayor Sheila Dixon’s Xbox 360 – purchased using absconded gift cards for the poor – is now available for bid on eBay, according to The Baltimore Sun (Dixon’s Xbox up for sale on eBay” 2010/03/08).

This Xbox was submitted as evidence at the trial of former Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon. This item has been surrendered to the Maryland State Prosecutors Office pursuant to the plea agreement. All proceeds from this sale will go to Youthworks of Baltimore. This item was originally taken from the residence of the former mayor in June 2008.

Robert A. Rohrbaugh, you rule. With providence, this monument to governmental corruption and family entertainment will sit proudly on my mantle, forever preserved in a vacuum-sealed, laser grid protected vault. And by that I mean a sign that says “DIXON’S XBOX NO TOUCH!”

A++++++ WOULD BUY AGAIN!!

25 minutes later update: way way outbid

Leave a Comment :, , , more...

5 Alternative uses for the male/female statue

by Evan on Feb.24, 2010, under Baltimore, Entertainment and So Forth

Since 2004, Baltimore has been forced to acknowledge the fact that it for some reason commissioned a guy to build received the gift of a 51-foot tall metal statue with a glowing heart in front of Penn Station from a private organization, enjoying a level of eyesore that causes even the blindest infant to wince. The metal menace known as male/female continues to offend the eyes/hearts/minds of Baltimore – nay, Earth, and it is time to begin suggesting some alternative uses for the gobstrocity so we can finally get our $750,000 worth. I humbly submit these ideas for public consumption. (click for big)

While male/female may be somewhat useless as a piece of art, it does emit light and is very tall. For these reasons it could potentially be a fairly decent lighthouse, guiding our beloved clipper ships home to safety.
Through me you pass into the city of woe,
Through me you pass into eternal pain,
Through me among the people lost for aye.

Before me things create were none, save things,
Eternal, and eternal I endure.
All hope abandon ye who enter here.

Sheila Dixon may no longer be mayor, but lordy knows she still needs protection! And since the tide of public opinion may prevent posting live officers outside of her home all the time for very long, perhaps male/female could be adjusted to be motion sensitive, its heart illuminating when dangerous intruders come prowling! Worry not, disgraced mayor! You will be safe!
Paw that has got to be the best scarecrow we done ever bought!! Let’s go wrestle some pigs!!
“Houston, we have a problem.”

“One small step for a man, one giant ugly stupid metal statue”

“Insert other moon joke here”

Whatever, let’s just send the damn thing to the moon.

4 Comments :, , , , more...

Sweeney to Dixon: GTFO

by Evan on Feb.04, 2010, under Baltimore, Politics

Judge Sweeney is the man. He finally had the chance to voice his opinion today regarding Sheila Dixon and her trainwreck of a trial at her sentencing, sending her on her way to her remaining days of shame and relative obscurity (…and an $83k pension). His statement is a deliberate, nut kicking wakeup call to the entrenched politico of Baltimore and it expresses the opinion that literally everyone I know personally has had for ….ever.  I get the sensation that throughout the trial his blood pressure was probably triple that of a charging rhino, steam slowly oozing from his ears as he was forced to remain mute while the dog/pony/wizard show went on and on, his face ever reddening until today when he was finally allowed to pull the release valve and verbally punch her in the throat repeatedly with a lead boxing glove. Cold comfort, true, given the lightweight sentencing Ms. Dixon was given, but read his statement and it might make you feel just a little better. This particular gem rings especially loudly to me:

I hope that the new and welcomed dedication to higher ethical standards is genuine and will have a shelf life that last beyond the next election. If not, then the city will be doomed to repeat the cycle of petty and tawdry corruption and special entitlement that ends badly not only for the people directly involved but more importantly for the citizens of Baltimore that depend on fair and honest governance by its officials.

Amen brotha.

The Sun’s Andy Green also had some choice words on the matter that are definitely worth a read, so go read them.

Leave a Comment :, , , more...

The Dixon trial aftermath – hilarious edition

by Evan on Dec.01, 2009, under Baltimore

The entire virtual and physical city of Baltimore has been positively riveted and glued to any and all media sources for the past two weeks during Mayor Sheila Dixon’s trial. Despite the fact that her hired wizard managed to stave off several convictions of theft in the first of two trials against her, a single count of embezzlement has stuck and our fair(ly gorgeous) mayor is now a convicted petty criminal.

Fortunately, the internet is a goldmine of all things comedy regarding the matter and the Twitterverse has provided 48k paydirt. Here are some of the funniest tweets I’ve seen thus far (more will be added as the day goes by!) regarding the infamous #dixontrial.

DEC. 3 CHICKEN LIGHTING @ OTTOBAR NOT AFFILIATED WITH SHEILA DIXON, BUT SHE IS INVITED TO PRESIDE OVER LIGHTING THE CHICKEN.

Don’t blame me. I voted for keiffer Mitchell.

KEEP BALTIMORE STOOPIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

she didnt fly to bermuda & try & get her groove back w/ a jamaican lover for a week & not leave someone in charge.

Does Big Boyz Bail Bonds offer gift cards? Perhaps that’s one Mayor Dixon would appreciate…

Baltimore, The City that Reads….. except when the envelope says “For Charity”

Keep expecting to hear “I am not a crook,” from Mayor D(n)ixon.

Carcetti for Mayor.

Embezzlement my ass. As far as I’m concerned, we’re all “children of Baltimore.” Speaking metaphorically.

Love it. And you know, I’d bother saying something pithy about this whole situation but instead I summarize my thoughts and feelings on the whole matter as it was so eloquently put by former city council member Keiffer Mitchell:

I believe the jury’s decision today underscores the public’s desire for broad based reform and transparency in our city government.

Or as I would put it less eloquently, “We gotta pull some weeds before the flowers can bloom.” Don’t be sad, Baltimoreans – even if this conviction ends with a slap on the wrist (and we all know it will), at least the public’s eyes are a litter harder fixed on the ethics-skirting propensity of our elected officials…. for now.

Ultimate praise for the Baltimore area media outlets for covering this whole process from beginning to end in a respectable manner. See yall at the next trial!!

Leave a Comment :, , , more...

Dixon pleads not guilty; summons wizard as defense attorney

by Evan on Nov.09, 2009, under Baltimore, Politics

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon plead not guilty today on multiple charges brought against her including theft and perjury, as the result of a four year probe by the state prosecutor’s office.

Despite the fact that her lawyer Arnold Weiner is a well known and seemingly effective defense attorney, the Dixon camp is seeking further courtroom aid – with the hopes of a victory – by securing the services of a wizard. A spokesman for Dixon claimed in a statement “We’re unsure as to whether we’ll be going with a Gandolf-type wizard, whose powers are fairly subtle and don’t involve a lot of flash, or perhaps a Harry Potter type wizard who will dazzle the jury with chain lightning and rainbows shooting from their hands. Either way, the use of legal and arcane wizardry will be necessary for her to win this case and we expect to use both to the fullest extent.”

sheilawizard

Wizard possibly hired by Dixon

Wizard possibly hired by Dixon

Little is known about the names on the short list of wizards being groomed for hire by the Dixon camp. Due to their mysterious nature, the chosen wizard may only make his or her appearance for the first time in the courtroom, accompanied by a shower of sparkles or a puff of smoke. It is clear, however, that the hiring of a wizard by Sheila Dixon’s defense team indicates a heightened urgency, as the stakes for her position as mayor have never been higher. If convicted Dixon will be forced to resign from her position as Mayor, and the wizard will most certainly demand his bag of rubies.

Leave a Comment :, , more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Categories