Crime $ The City That Breeds

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The Dixon trial aftermath – hilarious edition

December 1st, 2009 | Add a Comment

The entire virtual and physical city of Baltimore has been positively riveted and glued to any and all media sources for the past two weeks during Mayor Sheila Dixon’s trial. Despite the fact that her hired wizard managed to stave off several convictions of theft in the first of two trials against her, a single count of embezzlement has stuck and our fair(ly gorgeous) mayor is now a convicted petty criminal. Fortunately, the internet is a goldmine of all things comedy regarding the matter and the Twitterverse has provided 48k paydirt. Here are some of the funniest tweets I’ve seen thus far (more will be added as the day goes by!) regarding the infamous #dixontrial. DEC. 3 CHICKEN LIGHTING @ OTTOBAR NOT AFFILIATED WITH SHEILA DIXON, BUT SHE IS INVITED TO PRESIDE … Read entire article »

Filed under: Politics

Dixon pleads not guilty; summons wizard as defense attorney

November 9th, 2009 | Add a Comment

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon plead not guilty today on multiple charges brought against her including theft and perjury, as the result of a four year probe by the state prosecutor’s office. Despite the fact that her lawyer Arnold Weiner is a well known and seemingly effective defense attorney, the Dixon camp is seeking further courtroom aid – with the hopes of a victory – by securing the services of a wizard. A spokesman for Dixon claimed in a statement “We’re unsure as to whether we’ll be going with a Gandolf-type wizard, whose powers are fairly subtle and don’t involve a lot of flash, or perhaps a Harry Potter type wizard who will dazzle the jury with chain lightning and rainbows shooting from their hands. Either way, the use of legal and … Read entire article »

Filed under: Politics

Crime and Punishment: Judge sentences criminal to watch every Orioles game

September 2nd, 2009 | 3 Comments

At what had seemed to be a rather routine trial today for defendant Ray Ray Richards, charged with reckless endangerment in a dirtbike incident, Baltimore City Circuit Court judge Judge Sylvester B. Cox has handed down a sentence that defies logic. “Mr. Richards, for your wanton lack of regard for the safety of the public at large, I hereby sentence you to watch every Orioles game for the next three seasons.” Richards blanched and nearly doubled over. Bailiffs had to support him as he blurted “You…. can’t. They’re… terrible – I MEAN COME ON, DID YOU SEE THAT POP FLY TO FIRST THAT SALAZAR JUST DROPPED FOR NO REASON!! NOOOOOOO!” Richards was then tazed repeatedly and taken into custody. The decision passed down by Judge Cox will certainly be seen as controversial … Read entire article »

Filed under: Politics

Southeastern District to be renamed, placed under dome

July 27th, 2009 | 2 Comments

After recent reports of a massive shooting spree resulting in the death of two and wounding of 17 people on Sunday, and with 13 murders thus far this year and dozens of shootings, the Southeastern District of Baltimore is now to be renamed “The Terrordrome” and placed under the world’s most massive geodesic dome. The emergency plan also includes the razing and salting of the surrounding area in an effort to “Completely sterilize the zone for the next thousand years until such time as future generations of humans can cope with the area’s problems,” stated Police Commissioner Frederick H. Bealefeld III in a press conference held today. “Nothing gets in or out of Terrordrome.” The project, which will be using $496 billion in emergency funds diverted from Red Line plan, begins … Read entire article »

Filed under: Politics

Shropshire, you’re finished.

May 22nd, 2009 | 3 Comments

I spotted this article in the Sun the other day about Sam Shropshire and his troubles with being accused of fondling a midshipman from the Naval Academy recently, and while the legal and otherwise circumstantial evidence is pending in some sort of media-circus court case, there’s one thing that cannot be denied and should be considered the most damning evidence of all: Shropshire’s pedosmile. It is a well documented and scientific fact that pedosmiles equal guilt (take the quiz if you don’t believe me!), and Shropshire has an award-winning platinum status pedosmile. Granted, the pedosmile generally only applies to cases of underage molestation, but in this case it is indicative of improper sexual groping of a 21-year old as well. BEWARE THE PEDOSMILE. IT NEVER LIES. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Entertainment, WTF