Guest poster Allan honors our American President the only way we can: with cold, hard facts.

President Barak Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize today, and I’m hearing a lot of people carrying on about how he doesn’t deserve it. Well let me tell you something, he does deserve it. He deserves it a lot. Not only is he our nation’s first African-American president, but he’s also our first AWESOME-American president. Have you seen this guy? Just look at him! Dreamy eyes, nice white teeth, can-do attitude, this guy’s got it all! I asked all my friends who was the (best) president of 2009, and they all said Barak Obama. That’s 100% of people I polled, telling me that he was the (best) president. You can’t argue with 100% of people. It’s impossible, there’s just too many of them. That means that 100% of people, all agree that he should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

But those nay-say-ers, are nay-saying that he doesn’t deserve it because it’s too soon, and he hasn’t done enough to merit an award of that caliber. Those people are dirty, rotten, communists who probably listen to house music all day. And work 3 cubicles over from me, and are named Dennis. So to those people I say, “You’re wrong comrade, meptbo wrong.”

You have to look at all the things he hasn’t done, to really appreciate the scope of why he was given this award.

-President Obama hasn’t increased world hunger, nor has he increased the AIDS epidemic. People in Africa are very happy about that.
-Barak Obama hasn’t started another Cold War. I think we can all appreciate the warm and pleasant weather we’ve been having. Thanks, Obama!
- President Obama hasn’t gone back in time to stop Abraham Lincoln from being shot. He knows that no one, not even himself, should mess with time travel. It’s just too dangerous. Good job, dude!
- Barak Obama hasn’t tried to re-create dinosaurs from dead mosquitoes, found in pieces of amber from coal mines. He’s good friends with Jeff Goldblum, and knows that if something can go wrong, it will. And also that Raptors, are very clever. Thanks, Obama!

Now, if our president actually did any of those things, then yeah, we probably shouldn’t give him the Nobel Peace Prize, that would be ridiculous. But since he hasn’t, I think it’s pretty plain to see why he deserves this award. Way more than that blowhard ,Wei Jingsheng, with his Chinese democracy. Yeah right buddy, grab a Dr. Pepper.

In conclusion, Barak Obama is the coolest person ever, and already the best president we’ve ever had. They should give him all the other Nobel Prizes’ too, and a couple Grammy’s for all his hard work.

I’m taking this award and running with it. Running. With. It. If bacon vodka can win an award, then surely the jasmine tea and cucumber vodka (made for the semi-annual Midnight Sun happy hour) that everyone seemed to enjoy could bring additional success, if not profit. Which unfortunately is currently impossible legally – so far. I’m working on it. But suffice to say, once I come up with a way to sell custom vodka infusions to local bars and individuals, I’m doing it.

See this? Yeah. It’s a little thing I like to call a prize.

But like it says: where the f*ck is my trophy. Bobby tells me it’s ‘on the way’ and that it costs $75. It will be quite the spectacle.

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