Hey! Would you like to watch a movie about angsty teens that just so happen to be the children of GREEK GODS that need to recover Zeus’ lightning bolt which has been stolen in order to prevent a huge war? Hell yeah you don’t! So laugh at this trailer!

It’s not often that I bother to make reference to the fact that professionally speaking, I am a bonafide grade A nerd-ass scientist who works with and studies animals. But this particular article recently published in PLoS ONE is just…. WAY too good to pass up saying something about.

The article, entitled “Fellatio by Fruit Bats Prolongs Copulation Time” describes in great detail the process by which Chinese Fruit Bats engage in fellatio during copulation, including statistical analysis and postulates as to the biological purpose of said fellatio. Hell, even the opening line from the abstract is a total gas:

Oral sex is widely used in human foreplay, but rarely documented in other animals.

But all this text is totally boring. Fortunately, THEY MADE A VIDEO OF FRUIT BATS HAVING ORAL SEX. AND INCLUDED PORN MUSIC ON THE VIDEO. Might I remind you, dear readers, that PLoS ONE is a legitimate scientific publication. A legitimate scientific publication that now has a fruit bat porn video on it. Which I am now hosting a copy of. Enjoy!

Yeah at first Snuggies were kind of funny to me. The cult-member appeal, the idea of wearing the equivalent of a hospital gown made of LUXURIOUS material granting everyone the ability to answer the phone without the major hassle that a blanket might confer, I could kind of see it. Plus, the commercials are a gas.

But like most as seen on TV products, things have gone overboard. Like the Chia Pet before it, Snuggies have become insane mutations of themselves, coming in zebra pattern, dog varieties, and the dreaded Peekaroo (not an actual Snuggie brand product but far more sinister) – just to name a few.

And you’d think with 47 varieties of Snuggies and various god awful commercials associated with each one, that’d be enough. You’d be wrong. The latest Snuggie commercial features a horrendous theme song, lame ass white guys raising the roof, and families of Snuggie adorned dumbasses “Getting on their Snuggie!”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!! There’s also a really horrible Snuggie Fan Club website where awful, horrible people can upload pictures of themselves and their dogs in Snuggies! Or maybe report on Snuggie bar crawls that they went on! There’s even a completely useless flash game in which you can upload pictures of your friends and have them dance in Snuggies!!! (except it’s completely broken and doesn’t work, I even opened it in Creative Suite and tried to get it to work with no success)

PLEASE STOP IT, SNUGGIES! YOU’RE KILLING US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

This is literally an idea I had for a Halloween costume today that I for some reason bothered to conceptualize.
The alternative is the raptor head with a Hef smoking jacket.

AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LINE, COZ Clever Girl.

Anonymous sources are paydirt. This list of work weirdos makes me consider leaving the workforce altogether and digging a deep, deep hole somewhere out in West Virginia and never speaking to anyone ever again:

Let’s see, where to begin?

The guy who wears a captain’s hat like the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island?
The woman with the fanny pack that always looks terrified?
The cleaning guy that drools and told me that the CIA trained him to kill?
The security guards that pull women over to ask them out?
How about whoever it was that smeared human feces in one of the buildings?
Or the guy that got caught jerking off in the coffee pot?

Where to start… we certainly have some characters.

Jesus, where the hell does this person work, Sheppard Pratt?