City Hall, Baltimore – A happy announcement today as 61 year old 3rd District Councilman Bobby Curran announced that he is expecting a baby boy in August of this year. In anticipation of this event, Curran has announced his child’s candidacy for the 3rd Council district in 2031, which is when Curran anticipates retiring.

“My kid’s gonna have a good legacy to run on.” Curran beamed, citing his family’s established political record in the city. “When you think Curran, you think of all the great stuff that’s happened around these here 3rd district parts. Smoking ban? That was me.”

In anticipation of his unborn child’s run for office, Bobby has announced he will form a political action committee to ensure his child’s imminent success. The PAC, known as the Baltimore Repeating Awesome Traditions Political Action Committee (BRATPAC) is committed to ensuring that the political families of Baltimore are able to continue their legacies of leadership in Baltimore and, “continue getting the free monies,” Curran stated.

“BRATPAC’s gonna have a big impact here in Baltimore. When you think of the great traditions of our political families here – Branch, Welch, Conaway, Curran – you know we’re doing big things. After all, the places where our political families live are the gems of the City.”

William “Pete” Welch – who replaced his mother, Councilwoman Agnes Welch, in 2011 – agreed with Curran’s sentiment, pointing out the work that his own family has done for the 9th district. “The ninth district is like Camelot for ma and me, know what I’m saying? When I look at how great this district’s become since momma got into power, I know Prince Pistol Pete’s done right by our peasan- I mean, folks here.” Welch then peered at a staff member who snorted for seemingly no apparent reason.

To prepare for future baby Curran’s eventual ascent to the Baltimore City Council, the editorial board of the Baltimore Sun has issued an unprecedented but lukewarm endorsement of the as yet unnamed child, noting:

Although it is true that young Curran has not done anything as of yet – and indeed, has not yet even been born – we are confident that the established leadership of Curran, combined with voter apathy, will ensure this family legacy’s continuation.

Related posts:

1. City Leadership passes lifetime appointment bill for all local political offices
2. Your new city council districts: Or, Baltimore loves segregation
3. How to run for a city council seat in *any* district in Baltimore!
4. City Council Update 12/10/2009
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008

Efforts to raise awareness of homelessness and implement urban farming tax breaks would cause a severe lack of poor people to express contempt towards, a spokesperson for Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake said.

During a weekly press conference, spokesperson Ryan O’Dougherty defended the Mayor’s decision to send National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week participants away from War Memorial Plaza this past November, citing the homeless population as a mental health issue.

“Homeless people are society’s Zoloft,” O’Dougherty said. “When citizens see them on TV, ignore them on the streets or tell them to get a job they feel better about themselves. If there were no homeless, citizens would find things wrong with the city. Who would want that?”

O’Dougherty also questioned advocates of a 100% tax break to urban farmers which could help solve the food desert crisis currently facing the city.

“Regarding the farming tax break, the last thing this City needs is more assistance to those well to off farmers. Did you know that they don’t even pay for the food that they’ve grown? That’s basically stealing.”

When asked about the Mayor’s empathy, O’Dougherty cited her recent donations to charity to prove she cares.

“In a time of the greatest budget crisis’s's ever, Mayor Rawlings-Blake took a bold stance by voting to give herself a raise, then giving that same raise to the needy. That’s a good precedent. Not like those urban farms, which set a bad precedent.”

O’Dougherty closed the interview, citing the urgency of having those with needs in the city.

“On her daily jaunt to City Hall, the Mayor peers upon the citizens, insuring she does not engage anyone. If there isn’t a poor or homeless person she sees, she knows something’s wrong.”

In a typed statement released to the press, City Council President Bernard “Jack” Young abstained on the matter, citing a need to “put on some pants” before saying anything.

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1. Fells Point Fun Festival canceled in favor of tax hike
2. Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program
3. Spontaneous Deadification: The New Threat to Baltimore?

City Hall - In response to declining populations, repeated incumbent victories and historically low voter turnout, the Baltimore City Council has unanimously passed a bill eliminating elections for all local leadership. Effective January 1st, all Baltimore officials serving in political offices as well as the General Assembly will serve lifetime appointments in their current positions.

At a groundbreaking for the mostly-public-but-sort-of-private Super Harbor Industrial Tower – dubbed “Harbor East-er”, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake praised the decision, citing revenue expenses. “This is a game changer,” she said. “No longer will the naysayers and the bellyachers have the ability to impede the wonderful progress being done by our leadership. Besides, as you know, we are now in our millionth year of budget shortfall. Every cent we can cut from revenue not already promised to TIFs, PILOTs, contractors or consultants is critical.”

After passage of the lifetime appointments bill, Bobby Curran, Councilman of the 3rd District, praised the legislation, saying, “Let’s face it. Baltimore City loves the outstanding work our political families are doing. Why else do they keep voting us in? We’re doing stuff. We shouldn’t let pesky things like “nepotism” and “ethics” stop our work. This is just the next natural step.”

Warren Branch, Councilman for the 13th council district also had positive remarks. “I like it because it recognizes my importance. A lifetime appointment is only used for folks whose work shouldn’t be stopped by voters. That’s what my brother told me. So I’m kinda am a Supreme Court judge. Call me Justice Branch – yeah, I like that. NO WAIT, Judge Branch.” Councilman Branch then began making Judge Dredd impressions, repeatedly stating “Hehehehehe I am the law. I AM the law.”

Judge Branch

Recognizing the necessity of political elevation, the lifetime appointments allow politicians interested in running for other positions to receive a stipend, funded by revenue from an emergency tax on chicken boxes and bail bonds pens also unanimously passed by the council. In addition, a provision called the Welch Amendment requires that Council members nominate a family member as a successor for their position, by default.

To prevent ethical lapses from impeding their service, the council passed another amendment which gave all members immunity from any crimes they may have committed while on the job, referring to it as the “Dixon Did It” provision. Upon passage, Councilman William “Pete” Welch pistol whipped a homeless person begging for change in front of City Hall, noting the man was attempting to abscond donations made to the general fund that were “earmarked for homeless people.”

Related posts:

1. City Council passes tax free shopping week tax
2. City Council Update 12/10/2009
3. Councilman Bill Cole and I discuss pit beef
4. City Council Update 05/05/2008
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008

lol

And so it was after Earth Day 2010 that the Waterfront Partnership unveiled its, shall we say, ambitious goal to make Baltimore’s Inner Harbor two of two seemingly impossible things: Swimmable, and Fishable. Not only swimmable and fishable, but swimmable and fishable in ten years. The initially touted details involved spreading awareness of the perils of litter, construction or large marsh-barges and  other measures that at that time I deemed “a bit cutesy” when faced with the astronomical amount of literal-and-figurative dogshit lurking within the Harbor’s sediments. And maybe it was a bit naive of me to think that through the creation of this initiative it was a sly grab at Federal and/or State grant monies, but as it turns out the ambition is a lot more far-reaching and applies to the entire city, as well as surrounding county – so people can swim in the harbor.

Which brings us to today, when mayor SRB and the Waterfront Partnership put on a show announcing a “full court press” with a year of planning behind it, aimed at reducing litter, pollution and sewage leaks which all feed directly into the body of water, making it inhospitable for fish and swimming enthusiasts.

Which will cost, as an estimate, over $220 million over the next nine years.

Now while I would agree that the environment, as an issue, is important for a nearly-post industrial city like Baltimore where the harbor has been ravaged by nearly two centuries of uninterrupted pollution, *right now* the perception seems to be “We’re continuing to develop the waterfront so residents of Harborview can enjoy that water they spent so much money to look at on a daily basis.” I realize this isn’t necessarily the case, that the folks at the Waterfront Partnership are legitimate conservationists on a mission, but at a time when entire city blocks continue to look like this and we’re closing down public pools due to budgetary constraints, it seems pretty mind numbing. Leave it to Twitter to find someone else who can say it in 140 characters or less:

@dennisthecynic @KeifferMitchell We come together to focus $200MM on a harbor, but never like that for schools, rec/kids, safety, firehouses

December 14, 2011 1:07 pm via TweetDeckReplyRetweetFavorite

@DavidMTaylor

David M Taylor

Implementation, lol

But the figure of over $200 million doesn’t just come alone, the implementation plan proposed offers a slew of short-and-long-term strategies for accomplishing a 2020 swimmable, fishable harbor. I cherry picked the ones from the Sun’s coverage, with commentary. Enjoy!

• Various sewage tracking, fixing, screening, monitoring measures via boosted city and county funding. 

Shouldn’t this already be in place? Baltimore City has been paying millions in fines over the past ten+ years due to failing sewage infrastructure (as reported at length by CP a few years ago), for which roughly a billion dollars was apparently earmarked over the span of several years, over ten years ago. I guess we forgot about that, or something.

• Create a “HarborStat” to track cleanup progress, and consider a flag system similar to one used on Boston’s Charles River to notify the public when bacteria levels are too high for swimming.

Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of [insert word]STAT rendered upon us by Martin O’Malley, for when you *really* need metrics to describe whatever unachievable goals you have for your district! CrimeSTAT worked so well for the city! BaySTAT works so well for the Bay! Why wouldn’t HarborSTAT work for the Harbor? Where’s StatSTAT when you need it, to make sure the [insert word]STAT programs are working at full efficiency?

• Pass bottle-deposit and bag-fee laws to curb littering. Refundable bottle deposits elsewhere have encouraged recycling, the plan says, and small fees on disposable bags have spurred shoppers to bring reusable sacks.

Why yes of course, there’s got to be some sort of legislation-based fee increase somewhere in there, right? So we’re going to possibly raise the bottle tax in Baltimore City to 5 cents to pay for schools, and then implement a bottle deposit to pay for future dips in the Inner Harbor, yes? Dear Pepsi: start putting your products into *CARTONS*. As for that ol’ chestnut the Plastic Bag Fee, good god, we’ve been over this a million times (FOR OVER THREE YEARS) and I can’t bear to type another word on the matter.

• Develop “greening” plans for all 209 city neighborhoods and communities throughout the county, encouraging residents to plant trees and “rain gardens” for soaking up storm runoff.

“Hey Baltimore County citizen, you should plant some trees and/or rain gardens in your prefab development and/or suburban property so people can swim in the Inner Harbor.” “A cleaner, greener Sandtown-Winchester!!”

• Use the city’s many vacant lots to help reduce runoff. The plan estimates that up to 30 percent of the 10,000 city-owned empty lots would be suitable for storm water control projects.

I actually like this idea. Sadly though, the city seems to cling to the notion that its enormously vast swaths of vacant lots and abandoned properties have some sort of “fair value” and refuse to just give them away to people who want to use them for anything useful like say, urban farming, and storm water control isn’t even profitable! But I suppose if this idea were packaged in a “Hey! In 10 years you’ll be able to swim in the harbor because of this vacant lot *WINK WINK*” then it would be met with thunderous applause.

Part 2: Conclusion

At the end of the day, all of these environmental measures and steps to unfuck the Inner Harbor from an unending death spiral brought on by decades of industrial abuse and the advent of suburbia are a good thing, but wrapping them in a unicorn-like fantasy of swimming and fishing right next to the USS Constellation is silly at best. If anything, I’d be much more likely to support this platform:

We’re Trying To Do What Needs To Be Done To Unfuck The Environment.

Sewage infrastructure, fining people for littering and dumping, waste/storm water management, these are all things that the government should be doing and continue to do, not so folks can swim in the harbor or catch fish in the harbor, but so future generations of Baltimoreans won’t have to look at their city and consistently frown at how disgusting it is overall. Focusing on the one aspect of the city that already receives such an enormous level of attention and resources gives the sense that “we’re all pitching in so tourists and rich people can enjoy themselves” and it’s the wrong way to go about it. Granted, I doubt the Waterfront Partnership will adopt my platform due to its use of F-bombs, but *maybe they should consider it* (and pay me for coming up with it).

….that’s it, pretty much.

photo via Waterfront Partnership, hilarious isn’t it?

Related posts:

1. A swimmable, fishable harbor: Or, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2. Southeastern District to be renamed, placed under dome
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Sheila, I’m sure you’re well aware that your mayoral successor-by-default, Stephanie Rawlings Blake, recently won Baltimore’s illustrious and completely amazing primary election, essentially guaranteeing her mayorship after the general election. Just as you were finally voted into office having served as mayor-by-default after Martin O’Malley saved us all from BGE rate hikes when taking office as governor so many years ago, so too will Stephanie Rawlings Blake, though her chances of getting kicked out of office seem marginally slimmer than yours, in retrospect (no offense).

The problem is, unfortunately, SRB isn’t much fun to write about. She’s kinda boring. She doesn’t wear giant hats, fur coats, summon wizards as defense attorneys, propose taxes on belching, demand police protection, refuse to return security cameras for her house to the city, steal gift cards, engage in brazen nepotism, not even one shoe thrown in her 17 years of public service. Reading her press releases, plans for the city and listening to her political-machine-esque speeches devoid of anything new and different makes my eyes want to sleep, and worse yet, they aren’t funny at all!

But you, dear Sheila, you’ve got flair. Panache. And hell, you even had a legacy in your time as mayor: a free circulator everyone seems to enjoy, single stream recycling, a (sort of) plan to increase the city’s tree canopy in the next like, 40 years, things your average citizen actually benefits from on a daily basis. And let me tell you, had you been there for that totally sweet Baltimore Grand Prix, I’m willing to bet your hat would have been the biggest. What have we seen out of SRB legacy-wise aside from managing a completely broke city budget with out of control benefits spending and higher fees across the board ad infinitum? I can’t ride that for free to the book fair! I suppose she’s got four years to show us, but I doubt her legacy would be as awesomely outrageous as yours Sheila!

Which is why I’m asking – nay, begging – for you to run for mayor again in 2015. I mean hell, Marion Barry got re-elected and his crime was, for all intents and purposes, a thousand times more awesome than yours. And your 2007 campaign where you ran Keiffer Mitchell through the mud because his father stole $50,000 from him? *genius!* How much fun would it be to do the same to SRB? Now more than ever, the city of Baltimore needs you back. ….for the sake of our communities, and to save me from the boredom of Stephanie Rawlings Blake. For the lack of giant hats, for the myriad of unfinished development projects with your name on them still, we need you. More importantly, I need something to continue making fun of aside from the City Council. A Dixon vs. Rawlings-Blake campaign would be so grandly epic, its three-ring circusry would be etched into the marble of time, forever undiminished. Please. Please run for Mayor again, and rise to the occasion!!

? Evan

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2. The Dixon trial aftermath – hilarious edition
3. Dixon pleads not guilty; summons wizard as defense attorney
4. Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program

So Frank Conaway is running for mayor? Frank Conaway thinks rap is gonna get him elected? I don’t even wanna hear that mess. Frank Conaway doesn’t even KNOW. He doesn’t even KNOW. I’m kicking off my campaign with less than 40 days until the election RIGHT NOW with my sure-fire, ace in the hole campaign poster, candidate, and musical number RIGHT HERE. VOTE FOR US.

CRANK DIS

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Late last night, an anonymous tip came to us via Twitter revealing this shocking video of Stephan Fogleman, Baltimore City’s head of the Liquor Board. In it, the then future head of the liquor board details ways of dealing with stress, including underage drinking (probably) and Black Magic. Or, it could just be some college TV show from James Madison University in the 1980′s, I’m not some sort of videologist expert.

(Seriously, watch some of the other videos from JMUtimemachine, they are HILARIOUS)

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Source: Corruption case involving Baltimore officers has to do with arrangement with towing company. Developing story

February 23, 2011 11:45 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@justin_fenton

Justin Fenton

Since the story broke (for me, anyway) last Wednesday regarding one of the largest police corruption cases we’ve even seen in Baltimore, so much information has bubbled to the surface regarding the cadre of officers being charged and suspended in the FBI’s investigation into kickbacks and illegal towing over the weekend (which, oddly, was brought to light a full month ago by Investigative Voice) that it’s literally making my head spin. Information, which, read with one eye or the other reminds us (as if we could forget) how utterly and casually corrupt – and or oblivious – the powers that be running the show are at times. There’s so much ground to cover, I’m just going to note a few of the important things. I hope this proves informative.

‘LEGIT’ TOWING IN BALTIMORE IS INHERENTLY CORRUPT, OR NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT

Most people, until recently, probably had narry a clue as to the fact that Baltimore actually has contracted towing companies that have exclusivity to arrive on the scene at an accident or abandoned vehicle / parking violation. Companies which, when called by police, show up on the scene and tow a vehicle. And there are 10 of these companies, all of which are awarded special little medallions by the city in order to enjoy such privilege. Not surprisingly these 10 licenses are held by a handful of families and there is no competition in attaining one, it’s the Good Ol’ Boy system through and through, as the overwhelming majority of companies who apply for them are denied.

One reason may be that most of these companies donate thousands of dollars to various council members and former Mayors (scroll to the bottom of the linked article), ensuring favorable opinion and perpetual renewal forevermore. But, as with that lovely EBDI reporting that Daily Record has shown us, most of the time the people who are integral to the process have no idea how it works, or why it is the way it is. So it’s entirely possible that council members and officials, who receive contributions from all manner of businesses – from strip clubs to tow companies to waste management – aren’t currying favor because they’re simply clueless about it. The simple fact that one of the tow companies with a city contract wasn’t even licensed to tow in the state of MD at the time of renewal would indicate that they aren’t really paying attention.

THE SCHEME: PRODUCT OF THE SYSTEM

Man, Baltimore City Police officers are not looking good these days. Off duty cops getting blasted by their own, lawsuits, openly warring with the Mayor, and now a ginormous kickback scheme putting an even bigger stain on the entire force.

In this case, however bad the cops continue to make themselves look, I say it’s a product of the system. The medallion system, which puts a lock on any competition for the city’s towing contracts, breeds the kind of scheme we’re seeing. Granted this kind of thing happens all over America with tow companies, but specific to Baltimore any tower being repeatedly denied the opportunity to cash in on lucrative, sustained business on the city’s dime is probably constantly entertaining the idea of bribing a cop to pull a Robin Hood-esque type of tactic; giving a free tow to an accident victim, delivering a kickback, and overcharging the car insurance company rather than going the city-approved route. Which, let’s face it, all tow companies overcharge for everything, especially when it comes to insurance companies (actually scratch that, all companies, period). So who do you feel bad for in this case – the tow companies who pay their dues? The insurance companies? Who’s suffering in the face of this type of crime?

Authorities and insurance groups are already running down the usual playlist of quotes espousing how dangerous illegal towing is, how any body shop might be ripping off a hapless driver who has no control over the cost of repair, on and on – none of which I disagree with, but for insurance groups to claim “welp, this is why premiums are high” in the face of the fact that accident rates have been on the decline for years now, with narry a reduction in premiums (aside from non-market based gimmicks) makes my eyes roll back into my skull.

THUS, THE SOUL INFECTION

Considering the accumulated corruption and predatory nature of all parties involved, it’s hard to feel anything but contempt for all of them. Tow companies, who engage in all manner of predatory schemes and consistent fraud. Insurance companies, who will literally do anything in their power to not pay out a claim whenever possible. The police, who just can’t seem to keep their shit together. The city council, whose either hubris or ignorance or whatever has created the towing system itself – a system that everyone hates. And now we find out that a system that everyone hates is being cheated and that our police officers are responsible, the net result being a bunch of people saving money up front on towing costs. It’s the kind of push and pull that sends even the most hardy individual into a maniacal deathwhirl.

Does anyone know what antibiotic clears up a soul infection?

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I put that last part in quotes because of one important thing: the racial makeup of the city hasn’t really changed in the last ten years, with the exception of tremendous growth of the Latin community in Upper Fells Point and portions of Highlandtown. You can actually visualize this with a handy map put out last month by the New York Times, which shows the racial makeup, median income, education level and living situation of every census block in the city – give it a whirl, it’s kind of shocking:

Has the racial makeup changed, as seen on the left? Not really, but the median income of the neighborhoods to be added to the 11th (on the right) are certainly a lot higher than they were 10 years ago, and the inherent shift of represented citizens in each of these districts makes it much easier for seated council members to run for re-election when, essentially, all of the folks they’re trying to get votes from are “the same.” Or, to put it another way, it’s “easier” for council members to represent their constituents when they’re “more alike” due to redistricting. To whit, 11th district’s Bill Cole becomes whiter and wealthier, while 10th district’s Ed Reisinger less white and poorer on the whole.

This whole process is certainly new to me as I wasn’t exactly paying attention to these types of things ten years ago, but it seems a bit odd that in an effort to better represent our citizenry we’re essentially defaulting to a classist/racist approach; the brass ring of diversity that we hear so many elected officials poetically opine for really, REALLY doesn’t necessarily exist in this town, and from the looks of it*, probably won’t for a great deal of time.

*strongly encourage anyone interested in this topic to play around with the NYT map and visit other cities – the level of segregation is hardly unique to Baltimore.

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2. City Council Update 12/10/2009
3. City Council Update 09/12/2008
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You might have caught the recent spat between Wire creator David Simon and Police commissioner Frederick H. “The Frederanizer” Bealefeld III. In substance, it amounts to little, with the commissioner decrying the show’s “smear” job on Baltimore — which can smear itself just fine, thank you very much! Simon responded by pointing to years—decades really—of misguided public safety policy, and defending the essential truth depicted by his fictional show.

Friends and family of mine have been using The Wire for years now to make critiques of Baltimore. It’s a shorthand way of referencing a problem or failure by the city. But a TV show is not reality, so why does it have such an important rhetorical function?

In a way, the commissioner has a point. The Wire certainly doesn’t paint a rosy picture of Baltimore, and there is growing evidence of an empirical link between the shows we watch and our level of political education, as an Indiana University study showed regular The Daily Show viewers have a higher political IQ. Bealefeld stupidly compares The Wire to CSI: Miami – but, no one could mistake a show about a multi-million dollar forensic science team with the BPD. No doubt, much of the forensics shown in The Wire were meant to contrast with the CSI franchise. Why can’t Baltimore have sexy forensic teams? The answer suggested by Simon is not simple. A web of social forces, individual acts, petty grievances and institutional malaise define and entrench the status quo, much like reality itself. This is the point: The Wire forces us to confront the dilemmas and tradeoffs faced by local politicians and interests. It forces us to think.

(Photo from HBO via Wikipedia.)

I think the real question about The Wire almost a decade after it premiered is not whether it “smears” Baltimore, but to what extent the lens of Simon’s camera has come to define our experience of Baltimore. TV offers us a version of reality that looks real, augments our own experiences, but which is heavily edited even when nonfictional. I’ve never been a police officer, never driven through West Baltimore, but thanks to The Wire I can imagine how that would look or feel. Moreover, when I have my own experiences, I can organize and understand them by relying on previous pseudo-experiences from TV. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (IMDB) remains an iconic reference of crusading politicians, despite the fact that it’s made up. In such a way, fictional events from The Wire count subconsciously in the daily everyday experiences of Baltimore’s HBO-watching population. When I watch a state senator, I will always remember the thoughtless corruption of Clay Davis. When you read about murders in the paper, do you interpret this as an unavoidable consequence of the drug trade? Do you recall the utter devaluation of human life depicted by the show? When we criticize political leaders, how much of that is preordained by the assumption of incompetence, ass-covering, and corruption implied by The Wire? It’s unsurprising that Bealefeld is keen to undermine the Wire, seeing as how the depiction of police leadership was extremely critical and pessimistic.

Aside from smarter police work, The Wire has no answers. This is as it should be. There are no magic bullets to the systemic challenges of Baltimore. The final legacy of The Wire is one underscored by Simon himself: the emphasis on policing and public safety. I know safety is a real and present concern for Baltimoreans. However, I question as a policy response whether it is possible to attract new residents with only a drop in violent crime. What I mean is: crime is a symptom and a feedback mechanism of the deeper social ills of the city. To treat the symptom is not to cure the underlying disease. I know my family is already planning to leave their Federal Hill row home after only a few years. Taxes are high, services are low. If these incentives cannot be reversed (and I’m not talking about just lower taxes), then Baltimore will continue to decay. This is a real, immediate challenge for the city. Worse, I’m not even sure that the city’s fortunes aren’t already dictated by the inexorable logic of global economics.

(Read Evan’s comment to the original story.)

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