Holographic SRB demonstration at City Hall

Holographic interactions further legacy of facetious citizen engagement

After a series of Public Relations gaffes, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake will dramatically shift her public relations work through the use of a hologram for alI public appearances.

In a discussion with reporters, Ryan O’Doherty, Director of Communications for City Hall, announced the Mayor has recruited the service of Digital Domain Media Group, known best for creating a hologram of the late Tupac Shakur for Coachella 2012. The joint venture, inspired after the Mayor watched a Star Wars marathon, will be called the Mayoral Utilizing Powerful Projections to Engage Troglodytes, or M.U.P.P.E.T. program.

An excited O’Doherty raved about the program, describing its benefits. “The people of this city… you know, they’re here. So we gotta give them something. And who becomes a politician because they like people? This will allow the public to have its paltry interactions, while we do what we’ve done best for years: giving money to our donor overlor– I mean, manage the city.”

To keep the hologram in synch with her typical appearances, the Hologram will use three mods which feature a clothing set and facial type:

The “I’m an important but fashionable city administrator ” mod,
the “I’m casual and friendly, but keep your distance” mod,
and the “I’m exhausted and flustered, and its your fault” mod.

To interact with constituents, the hologram is programmed to give the typical facial appearances and mannerisms associated with Rawlings-Blake, including the indifferent stare, indignant smirk, and “Mayor Glare,” that has gained significant media attention. Most impressively, the hologram has also been programmed with a baseline artificial intelligence, allowing it to be able to recognize figures she typically interacts with and respond appropriately. For example, when the hologram was shown a picture of Baltimore Sun reporter Julie Scharper, the hologram muttered “Naysayer” and stuck its fingers in its ears.

While impressed with the technological features, reporters expressed numerous concerns about the program, most notably the cost. When asked about the pricing for the MUPPET, O’Doherty said, “Well, it won’t not cost more than a million dollars. But there’s no price we won’t pay to not directly deal with citizens. And mind you, this is just a prototype. The contract could always be declined by the Board of Estimates…” O’Doherty then paused before cackling loudly and saying, “See? I can make a joke too.”

When asked why the Rawlings-Blake administration took this step in public relations, O’Doherty defended the decision by attacking public inquiries from the media. “Frankly, the naggers and folks who focus on the “facts” – Jayne Miller, I’m looking at you – are taking time away from our outstanding work. I mean, give me a break, people! We go on Twitter, we make a Facebook, and it isn’t enough – even though we tell you all the cool stuff we’re doing! In a way, we’re doing you a favor by not talking to you about the bad stuff, who wants a downer?”

“But no.. You people expect actual “engagement,” and accountability. Well I’ll tell you what. You people already had a chance to interact with the Mayor. Its called ‘right before we need your votes.’” O’Doherty then dropped the mic and left the podium.

Carl Stokes, likely reeling from his failed run for Mayor of McDonaldland, had no comment.

No related posts.

While breezing through Fells Point the other day, I couldn’t help but notice that Woody’s Run Bar and Island Grill (1700 Thames St.) looked conspicuously stripped down, had some conspicuous yellow tape running along the length of its balcony windows, and had a more than conspicuous telltale bright orange STOP WORK order pasted to the side door on the shared-entrance (with European Football enthusiast bar Slainte) staircase leading up to the establishment. So it would seem the folks at the best waterview bar around were doing a little Spring renovation to get ready for their highly successful opening, but neglected to get a permit to do so. Fiddlesticks.

So there’s that, I can imagine why Woody’s would want to rush to an early opening this year and get some sprucing done in lieu of how obnoxious getting a work permit can be, or if there were some other reason behind the stop work order that’s another story.

But really this post is about permits in this city. You can’t even hang a painting in your basement in Fells Point or any other gentrified / “historic” area without a permit, or at the very least without a neighbor complaining about the noise or unappealing aesthetics of that flower box you just hung off of your balcony, GOD FORBID a business try to make improvements – however minor (and it would seem that Woody’s were fairly major) – without first consulting the surrounding residents, ministers, city council, board of estimates, congress, that nest of birds over there, it doesn’t matter. Chances are fairly high that upon attempting to get such a permit for work, a liquor license renewal, a title transfer, a game of bridge, or solar panel installation, someone will protest. Then there needs to be a hearing, time and money and calories burned and all manner of energy spent sitting around and listening to folks complain about your own business – your lifeblood – and how damaging is to the surrounding community. So yeah, I could see why anyone looking to do some minor work on their establishment would skirt the whole process and say “F*ck it, I’ll take the $500 fine if necessary, it’ll save me three months.”

What’s ironic is that all of these improvements, minor or not, are generally dealt with on the smallest scale; your neighbors are the ones who get to complain, get to protest, and could potentially ixnay the whole deal. Meanwhile, huge scope developments get voted on unanimously by the governing bodies of this city and its associated development arms (like the BDC) which create a greater impact – detrimental or otherwise – on all of us, often times without a shred of public input. And in the rare event that the public steps up and complains very loudly, those with the means to do so will simply spend more money, time and calories burned to either wait out public opposition or spend some arbitrary amount on “Feasibility Studies” so that whomever is backing the venture can whitelist it publicly.

So in a nutshell, neighbors, take care of each other – those that would run a highway through your backyard are doing a lot more damage than that guy who’s actually trying to make your block look better, you can deal with the hammers in the morning for a little while.*

*provided that they’re actually making an improvement, halfassed contract and subcontract work need not apply (and they seldom do)

No related posts.

Bottle Tax Won’t Fix Imagination Deficit

When it comes to fixing Baltimore’s crumbling school facilities, we don’t have a money problem. We’ve got an imagination problem. As usual, the answer to fixing anything education-related is to ask everyone to check their pants pockets for loose change. But it doesn’t work. Partly because of the inability to properly manage the money that actually comes in, and partly because no money in the world can fix the social ills that are at the root of a school’s failure.

I’ll concede that there’s a monumental difference between fixing school buildings and fixing schools. You can’t replace a window with teacher meetings. You’re not going to update the plumbing with student interventions. You need cold, hard cash. Or so it would seem.

If we’re to listen to Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, school facilities need money for massive improvements, and the only way we’re going to get it is by raising the rate on the bottle tax – one of the most criticized taxes the city’s seen since, well, the last time the bottle tax was introduced (and then abolished after public uproar in ‘70s). But these are different times. If elections are any indication, Baltimore’s constituency is much more docile. It’s simply surrendered to the status quo.

Ask the average person on the street who their district council rep is. Or state delegate. Hell, their U.S. senator. The answer you’re likely get back is all the explanation you need for why someone like Rawlings-Blake makes it into office: Voters have simply given up on the process. When that happens, softheaded, uninspired legislation like the bottle tax happens. Now, Madame Mayor is grandstanding for a three-cent per bottle increase (more than doubling the existing tax).

To make matters worse, she’s reenacting the classic villain scene to do it, all but threatening to tie the success of our students to the train tracks if citizens don’t pony up more cash. The truth is, we don’t need more cash – not from a bottle tax anyway. We need more cash from conservation, from smarter facilities management, and through more creative solutions that break the city from its fetish for chewing on the teats of Baltimore’s remaining tax base.

The facts are there: the bottle tax missed its mark, pulling in nearly a million dollars less than it had proposed. The reasons? The city’s inability to adequately collect the taxes and, more logically, the fact that this town just isn’t that big. Thousands of residents live within a mile or two of the county lines. From Hamilton to West Hills, Mt. Washington to Morrell Park, people have options. And those with the sense, the inclination, or the means to use them, will.

Typical boneheaded politics. If a tax doesn’t work, let’s double or triple it. Ever watch a horse at the track slowly fall behind the pack? What’s the jockey do? He whips the glue out of it, hoping to nudge the poor beast to the finish line. Now, Rawlings-Blake is riding bareback upon the shoulders of Baltimore – and she’s swinging a riding crop fashioned from our own apathy.

Which leads me back to our schools and the chief problem. It’s not a lack of money, it’s lack of brainpower. Where is the mayor’s imagination? And how much of her inability to come up with solutions is tied to what I can only imagine is an ego as large and as unpleasant as a garbage truck clogging the side street of progress. She has many critics. But they’re smart critics with big ideas. Start with the contenders she defeated in the mayoral primary. Jody Landers’ property tax plan, modeled off of DC’s, was designed to bring property taxes in line with those in surrounding counties while severely penalizing slumlords and absent owners. And Otis Rolley’s private/public partnership school model – one that’s worked in places like DC and South Carolina – could have provided the seedling steps for not only financing a school facility rehabilitation program without painful tax increases, but also providing a steady stream of revenue for decades.

It’s a shame. Madame Mayor comes from good stock. Her father, Howard “Pete” Rawlings, was an innovator, named Policy Leader of the Year by the National Association of State Boards of Education in 2003, just before his passing. If Rawlings-Blake’s policies are any indication, that same thinking has apparently skipped a generation.

Now, Baltimore has a mayor whose claim to fame was keeping the city from collapsing into the Jones Falls during a snowstorm. She’s a maintainer, not an innovator. If we were to harness Rawlings-Blakes’ passion and imagination, we couldn’t power a potato clock. Even Sheila Dixon, for all her warts, had ideas. (Unfortunately, some of those ideas included how to use donated gift cards from the needy for personal shopping sprees.)

If we’re to improve schools – and school buildings – it won’t come through bottle taxes. It comes by tapping the talents of our students. Vocational programs are on the rise – as they should be: they may well be the one thing that ultimately resuscitates public education in America (but that’s a diatribe for another day). Put our children to work in service of school rebuilding. Under the tutelage of a master instructor, I see no reason why students couldn’t make general repairs to school buildings. Rejigger the HVAC system. Install a few windows. Repair crumbling drywall – all as part of their actual instruction. On-the-job training with benefits that extend far beyond their face value.

Of course, we’ll also have to break some bad habits; the school system is an abyss of waste. Even after the North Avenue housecleaning that Andres Alonso’s administration purportedly undertook when he first came on, I believe there’s a lack of accountability when it comes to cost savings within actual facilities. Drive by a school in the middle of the night. How many lights do you see ablaze within? Look at a school in the middle of winter. How many windows are wide-open? Simple conservation efforts could save the school system significantly.

Based on my mathematical prowess (I went to Baltimore City Public Schools, so bear with me), I’ve determined that if every one of the city’s 170+ schools were to turn off just one 60W light bulb for 12 hours every day, it could save the system roughly $4,000 a year in electricity.  If they did that with a hundred light bulbs, you’re looking at close to half a million dollars. Just by turning the lights off when not in use. Perhaps that’s what Mayor Rawlings-Blake is doing: She’s left the light bulb above her head off to conserve energy.

Related posts:

1. City Council passes tax free shopping week tax
2. PSA
3. Realistic solutions for Baltimore City’s budget crisis – part 2
4. Fells Point Fun Festival canceled in favor of tax hike
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008

The Maryland senate passed a bill this morning, a bill designed to make smoking in a car illegal whilst in the presence of a child, 8 years old or younger. A $50 fine could be assessed if a person were to be pulled over by a police officer and seen with an ashtray full of butts and a child in the backseat.

To most Hysterical Mothers, this bill is a no-brainer – a triumph for child safety in the vehicle, a bellweather victory against bad parenting and Big Tobacco in one swipe. But it’s the dumbest law since the “no lions in the movie theater” thing.

I could, and perhaps someday will, write a 4,000 word essay about the politics of anti-smoking and the bizarre dance of “Well we need the tax revenue from cigarettes, but we’re going to make it impossible to smoke them” that the Maryland Legislature has been waltzing for the past decade plus. About how as a society we’re trading an assumed level of safety in exchange for more laws on the books and increasingly little personal responsibility – in the face of, in this particular case, untold volumes of money and time and education drilling the fact that “smoking is bad, don’t smoke around babies” into every citizen’s head. About how that isn’t enough, obviously if we’ve told people over and over that smoking is bad for you, and being around smoke or people who smoke is bad for you, and yet people continue to smoke in public, well then we’ve got to protect the children, because they can’t protect themselves, yes? Especially in a car, which is such a small space, and a minutes-long-daily exposure to second hand cigarette smoke will most surely cause the child irreparable harm. But I won’t, I’ll just bullet point a few things about this bill that I instantly thought of upon reading about it:

• So, where are the 32 year old lung cancer victims or kids with emphysema, from before this idea came about? After all that time being strapped into a child seat and having mommy or daddy or uncle blowing smoke in their faces?
• Smoking while pregnant is still perfectly legal, you could conceivably smoke while driving yourself to the hospital and give birth, then get a $50 ticket on the way home for smoking with your newborn in the car. Makes perfect sense! Obviously smoking while pregnant should be illegal! Why isn’t it already?!?!
• “Sir I pulled you over because you’re smoking in this car with your child.” “Oh, he’s ten, not eight.” “Ok, go ahead – WAITAMINUTE! Can you prove that?” “Nope, see ya!”
• “Happy 9th birthday Timmy! Time to take a ride to Flavor Country!”
• I mean if we’ve already got speed cameras in school zones, work zones, zone zones and speed camera zones, which distribute $50 tickets, why not affix them with HD lenses that can assess whether the driver is a) smoking and b) has a child on board? $50 is the same whether it be smoking or speeding, which according to this law are equally dangerous!!
• Or better yet, a sensor that detects the scent of cigarettes (smoke, ash) and children (pee, apple juice) in the car, and shuts down if both are present simultaneously?

Or, we could do the unthinkable: Continue to recognize that yes, smoking around your kids is ignorant, and no one should do it, but fining someone $50 for such a thing in the at-most 30 minutes that a child would be exposed to second hand smoke in a car, in the face of the remaining 23 hours and 30 minutes a day that they could very easily and very legally be exposed to it everywhere else in this world, is ridiculous.

Just go ahead and make bad parenting illegal, add “smoking” to the criteria for calling CPS, and/or ban smoking entirely. It’s the only way to save the children!

No related posts.

]]> http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/03/an-opinion-regarding-this-no-smoking-in-the-car-with-kids-law/feed/ 17 http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/stokes-contemplating-run-for-mayor-against-mccheese-promises-to-bring-tasty-back/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=stokes-contemplating-run-for-mayor-against-mccheese-promises-to-bring-tasty-back http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/stokes-contemplating-run-for-mayor-against-mccheese-promises-to-bring-tasty-back/#comments Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:10:50 +0000 dennisthecynic http://citythatbreeds.com/?p=9029

Baltimore – A political spokesperson has noted that Carl Stokes, long time political veteran who briefly ran for Mayorship of Baltimore, is considering a run for Mayor of McDonaldland instead. If he mounted a run against the incumbent, Mayor McCheese, it could constitute the largest political challenge faced by the incumbent in McDonaldland history.

“It is simple math, really,” said the spokesperson, “For too long, McCheese has seen McDonaldland as a footstool to all the delicious hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and big macs he could eat. In his mind, being Mayor is nothing more than something to satisfy his ambition for food! McDonaldland needs a leader who has taken a stand against the bun lobby, and can bring together the Grimaces and Happy Meal Gang!”

When asked about whether or not Stokes’ residency would be an issue, the spokesperson soundly rejected the question, saying, “Residency questions have never been an issue for Baltimore’s politicians. Ever. The same applies to McDonaldland.”

Stokes’ recent actions in the Baltimore City Council – where he represents the 12th district – seemed to indicate he is preparing a run for higher office. Recent legislation he has proposed includes a resolution calling for tougher penalties for Hamburglars, a moratorium against TIFFs (Tax Incremented Filet-O-Fish), and Q-PILOTs (Quarter-Pounders in Lieu of Taxes). When discussing the budget, Stokes called for cuts in the public safety budget in order to provide food for the Fry Kids. Furthermore, In what many analysts are considering a bold move, Stokes has also called for the return of the Griddler and reinstating Officer Big Mac as Police Commissioner, who recently fell from grace after a domestic abuse scandal.

In addition, Stokes’ recent public dialogue appears to be appealing to the McNugget Buddies, which have long been considered his political base. In an interview with WYPR, Stokes said, “Its obvious that the African American Councilmembers care about the matters serving our important Chicken Nuggets, whereas the other caucasian Councilmembers largely don’t. Whether you are white meat or dark meat, in my book, all nuggets are breaded, fried and delicious.”

These remarks were soundly rejected by other members of the council. Bill Cole, who represents the 11th district, said, “Councilman Stokes’ statements against the council are completely false. If he spent more time watching what he said and paying attention, he’d know better. After all, has he seen (3rd District Councilman) Bobby Curran tear through an Extra Value Meal like I have? I doubt it.”

Although time will tell what the election will bring, we are certain that Stokes’ participation in the race will supersize public interest and help give much needed direction to the tasty but troubled town.

Update – The political spokesperson for Councilman Stokes has announced that he will not run for Mayor of McDonaldland, stating “Although McDonaldland has hit darker days under McCheese, it is clear that there is still much to be done in the 12th district. Councilman Stokes is proud to serve his constituents and that despite the struggles, he’s lovin’ it.” The spokesperson had no comment regarding a recent McZogby poll which placed Stokes in sixth place behind Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, Birdie the Early Bird, Frank Conaway, and a plank with a smiley face drawn on it.

No related posts.

]]> http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/stokes-contemplating-run-for-mayor-against-mccheese-promises-to-bring-tasty-back/feed/ 1 http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/name-tbd-curran-to-run-for-3rd-council-victory-expected/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=name-tbd-curran-to-run-for-3rd-council-victory-expected http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/name-tbd-curran-to-run-for-3rd-council-victory-expected/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:02:50 +0000 dennisthecynic http://citythatbreeds.com/?p=8860
• City Leadership passes lifetime appointment bill for all local political offices
• Your new city council districts: Or, Baltimore loves segregation
• How to run for a city council seat in *any* district in Baltimore!
• City Council Update 12/10/2009
• City Council Update 04/25/2008
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City Hall, Baltimore – A happy announcement today as 61 year old 3rd District Councilman Bobby Curran announced that he is expecting a baby boy in August of this year. In anticipation of this event, Curran has announced his child’s candidacy for the 3rd Council district in 2031, which is when Curran anticipates retiring.

“My kid’s gonna have a good legacy to run on.” Curran beamed, citing his family’s established political record in the city. “When you think Curran, you think of all the great stuff that’s happened around these here 3rd district parts. Smoking ban? That was me.”

In anticipation of his unborn child’s run for office, Bobby has announced he will form a political action committee to ensure his child’s imminent success. The PAC, known as the Baltimore Repeating Awesome Traditions Political Action Committee (BRATPAC) is committed to ensuring that the political families of Baltimore are able to continue their legacies of leadership in Baltimore and, “continue getting the free monies,” Curran stated.

“BRATPAC’s gonna have a big impact here in Baltimore. When you think of the great traditions of our political families here – Branch, Welch, Conaway, Curran – you know we’re doing big things. After all, the places where our political families live are the gems of the City.”

William “Pete” Welch – who replaced his mother, Councilwoman Agnes Welch, in 2011 – agreed with Curran’s sentiment, pointing out the work that his own family has done for the 9th district. “The ninth district is like Camelot for ma and me, know what I’m saying? When I look at how great this district’s become since momma got into power, I know Prince Pistol Pete’s done right by our peasan- I mean, folks here.” Welch then peered at a staff member who snorted for seemingly no apparent reason.

To prepare for future baby Curran’s eventual ascent to the Baltimore City Council, the editorial board of the Baltimore Sun has issued an unprecedented but lukewarm endorsement of the as yet unnamed child, noting:

Although it is true that young Curran has not done anything as of yet – and indeed, has not yet even been born – we are confident that the established leadership of Curran, combined with voter apathy, will ensure this family legacy’s continuation.

Related posts:

1. City Leadership passes lifetime appointment bill for all local political offices
2. Your new city council districts: Or, Baltimore loves segregation
3. How to run for a city council seat in *any* district in Baltimore!
4. City Council Update 12/10/2009
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008
]]> http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/02/name-tbd-curran-to-run-for-3rd-council-victory-expected/feed/ 0 http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/mayor-issues-statements-on-recent-homelessness-urban-farming-dramatics/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=mayor-issues-statements-on-recent-homelessness-urban-farming-dramatics http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/mayor-issues-statements-on-recent-homelessness-urban-farming-dramatics/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:53:50 +0000 dennisthecynic http://citythatbreeds.com/?p=8820
• Fells Point Fun Festival canceled in favor of tax hike
• Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program
• Spontaneous Deadification: The New Threat to Baltimore?
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Efforts to raise awareness of homelessness and implement urban farming tax breaks would cause a severe lack of poor people to express contempt towards, a spokesperson for Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake said.

During a weekly press conference, spokesperson Ryan O’Dougherty defended the Mayor’s decision to send National Hunger and Homelessness Awareness Week participants away from War Memorial Plaza this past November, citing the homeless population as a mental health issue.

“Homeless people are society’s Zoloft,” O’Dougherty said. “When citizens see them on TV, ignore them on the streets or tell them to get a job they feel better about themselves. If there were no homeless, citizens would find things wrong with the city. Who would want that?”

O’Dougherty also questioned advocates of a 100% tax break to urban farmers which could help solve the food desert crisis currently facing the city.

“Regarding the farming tax break, the last thing this City needs is more assistance to those well to off farmers. Did you know that they don’t even pay for the food that they’ve grown? That’s basically stealing.”

When asked about the Mayor’s empathy, O’Dougherty cited her recent donations to charity to prove she cares.

“In a time of the greatest budget crisis’s's ever, Mayor Rawlings-Blake took a bold stance by voting to give herself a raise, then giving that same raise to the needy. That’s a good precedent. Not like those urban farms, which set a bad precedent.”

O’Dougherty closed the interview, citing the urgency of having those with needs in the city.

“On her daily jaunt to City Hall, the Mayor peers upon the citizens, insuring she does not engage anyone. If there isn’t a poor or homeless person she sees, she knows something’s wrong.”

In a typed statement released to the press, City Council President Bernard “Jack” Young abstained on the matter, citing a need to “put on some pants” before saying anything.

Related posts:

1. Fells Point Fun Festival canceled in favor of tax hike
2. Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program
3. Spontaneous Deadification: The New Threat to Baltimore?
]]> http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/mayor-issues-statements-on-recent-homelessness-urban-farming-dramatics/feed/ 4 http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/city-leadership-passes-lifetime-appointment-bill-for-all-local-political-offices/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=city-leadership-passes-lifetime-appointment-bill-for-all-local-political-offices http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/city-leadership-passes-lifetime-appointment-bill-for-all-local-political-offices/#comments Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:38:59 +0000 dennisthecynic http://citythatbreeds.com/?p=8751
• City Council passes tax free shopping week tax
• City Council Update 12/10/2009
• Councilman Bill Cole and I discuss pit beef
• City Council Update 05/05/2008
• City Council Update 04/25/2008
]]> Mayor praises decision, citing need to eliminate ‘problematic factors like voters’




City Hall - In response to declining populations, repeated incumbent victories and historically low voter turnout, the Baltimore City Council has unanimously passed a bill eliminating elections for all local leadership. Effective January 1st, all Baltimore officials serving in political offices as well as the General Assembly will serve lifetime appointments in their current positions.

At a groundbreaking for the mostly-public-but-sort-of-private Super Harbor Industrial Tower – dubbed “Harbor East-er”, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake praised the decision, citing revenue expenses. “This is a game changer,” she said. “No longer will the naysayers and the bellyachers have the ability to impede the wonderful progress being done by our leadership. Besides, as you know, we are now in our millionth year of budget shortfall. Every cent we can cut from revenue not already promised to TIFs, PILOTs, contractors or consultants is critical.”

After passage of the lifetime appointments bill, Bobby Curran, Councilman of the 3rd District, praised the legislation, saying, “Let’s face it. Baltimore City loves the outstanding work our political families are doing. Why else do they keep voting us in? We’re doing stuff. We shouldn’t let pesky things like “nepotism” and “ethics” stop our work. This is just the next natural step.”

Warren Branch, Councilman for the 13th council district also had positive remarks. “I like it because it recognizes my importance. A lifetime appointment is only used for folks whose work shouldn’t be stopped by voters. That’s what my brother told me. So I’m kinda am a Supreme Court judge. Call me Justice Branch – yeah, I like that. NO WAIT, Judge Branch.” Councilman Branch then began making Judge Dredd impressions, repeatedly stating “Hehehehehe I am the law. I AM the law.”



Judge Branch

Recognizing the necessity of political elevation, the lifetime appointments allow politicians interested in running for other positions to receive a stipend, funded by revenue from an emergency tax on chicken boxes and bail bonds pens also unanimously passed by the council. In addition, a provision called the Welch Amendment requires that Council members nominate a family member as a successor for their position, by default.

To prevent ethical lapses from impeding their service, the council passed another amendment which gave all members immunity from any crimes they may have committed while on the job, referring to it as the “Dixon Did It” provision. Upon passage, Councilman William “Pete” Welch pistol whipped a homeless person begging for change in front of City Hall, noting the man was attempting to abscond donations made to the general fund that were “earmarked for homeless people.”

Related posts:

1. City Council passes tax free shopping week tax
2. City Council Update 12/10/2009
3. Councilman Bill Cole and I discuss pit beef
4. City Council Update 05/05/2008
5. City Council Update 04/25/2008
]]> http://citythatbreeds.com/2012/01/city-leadership-passes-lifetime-appointment-bill-for-all-local-political-offices/feed/ 4 http://citythatbreeds.com/2011/12/a-swimmable-fishable-harbor-or-hahahahahahahaha-part-2/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-swimmable-fishable-harbor-or-hahahahahahahaha-part-2 http://citythatbreeds.com/2011/12/a-swimmable-fishable-harbor-or-hahahahahahahaha-part-2/#comments Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:13:11 +0000 Evan The Mayor http://citythatbreeds.com/?p=8524
• A swimmable, fishable harbor: Or, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• Southeastern District to be renamed, placed under dome
• Update – The Struggle of Little Havana
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lol

And so it was after Earth Day 2010 that the Waterfront Partnership unveiled its, shall we say, ambitious goal to make Baltimore’s Inner Harbor two of two seemingly impossible things: Swimmable, and Fishable. Not only swimmable and fishable, but swimmable and fishable in ten years. The initially touted details involved spreading awareness of the perils of litter, construction or large marsh-barges and  other measures that at that time I deemed “a bit cutesy” when faced with the astronomical amount of literal-and-figurative dogshit lurking within the Harbor’s sediments. And maybe it was a bit naive of me to think that through the creation of this initiative it was a sly grab at Federal and/or State grant monies, but as it turns out the ambition is a lot more far-reaching and applies to the entire city, as well as surrounding county – so people can swim in the harbor.

Which brings us to today, when mayor SRB and the Waterfront Partnership put on a show announcing a “full court press” with a year of planning behind it, aimed at reducing litter, pollution and sewage leaks which all feed directly into the body of water, making it inhospitable for fish and swimming enthusiasts.

Which will cost, as an estimate, over $220 million over the next nine years.

Now while I would agree that the environment, as an issue, is important for a nearly-post industrial city like Baltimore where the harbor has been ravaged by nearly two centuries of uninterrupted pollution, *right now* the perception seems to be “We’re continuing to develop the waterfront so residents of Harborview can enjoy that water they spent so much money to look at on a daily basis.” I realize this isn’t necessarily the case, that the folks at the Waterfront Partnership are legitimate conservationists on a mission, but at a time when entire city blocks continue to look like this and we’re closing down public pools due to budgetary constraints, it seems pretty mind numbing. Leave it to Twitter to find someone else who can say it in 140 characters or less:

@dennisthecynic @KeifferMitchell We come together to focus $200MM on a harbor, but never like that for schools, rec/kids, safety, firehouses
December 14, 2011 2:07 pm via TweetDeckReplyRetweetFavorite

@DavidMTaylor
David M Taylor

Implementation, lol

But the figure of over $200 million doesn’t just come alone, the implementation plan proposed offers a slew of short-and-long-term strategies for accomplishing a 2020 swimmable, fishable harbor. I cherry picked the ones from the Sun’s coverage, with commentary. Enjoy!

• Various sewage tracking, fixing, screening, monitoring measures via boosted city and county funding. 

Shouldn’t this already be in place? Baltimore City has been paying millions in fines over the past ten+ years due to failing sewage infrastructure (as reported at length by CP a few years ago), for which roughly a billion dollars was apparently earmarked over the span of several years, over ten years ago. I guess we forgot about that, or something.

• Create a “HarborStat” to track cleanup progress, and consider a flag system similar to one used on Boston’s Charles River to notify the public when bacteria levels are too high for swimming.

Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of [insert word]STAT rendered upon us by Martin O’Malley, for when you *really* need metrics to describe whatever unachievable goals you have for your district! CrimeSTAT worked so well for the city! BaySTAT works so well for the Bay! Why wouldn’t HarborSTAT work for the Harbor? Where’s StatSTAT when you need it, to make sure the [insert word]STAT programs are working at full efficiency?

• Pass bottle-deposit and bag-fee laws to curb littering. Refundable bottle deposits elsewhere have encouraged recycling, the plan says, and small fees on disposable bags have spurred shoppers to bring reusable sacks.

Why yes of course, there’s got to be some sort of legislation-based fee increase somewhere in there, right? So we’re going to possibly raise the bottle tax in Baltimore City to 5 cents to pay for schools, and then implement a bottle deposit to pay for future dips in the Inner Harbor, yes? Dear Pepsi: start putting your products into *CARTONS*. As for that ol’ chestnut the Plastic Bag Fee, good god, we’ve been over this a million times (FOR OVER THREE YEARS) and I can’t bear to type another word on the matter.

• Develop “greening” plans for all 209 city neighborhoods and communities throughout the county, encouraging residents to plant trees and “rain gardens” for soaking up storm runoff.

“Hey Baltimore County citizen, you should plant some trees and/or rain gardens in your prefab development and/or suburban property so people can swim in the Inner Harbor.” “A cleaner, greener Sandtown-Winchester!!”

• Use the city’s many vacant lots to help reduce runoff. The plan estimates that up to 30 percent of the 10,000 city-owned empty lots would be suitable for storm water control projects.

I actually like this idea. Sadly though, the city seems to cling to the notion that its enormously vast swaths of vacant lots and abandoned properties have some sort of “fair value” and refuse to just give them away to people who want to use them for anything useful like say, urban farming, and storm water control isn’t even profitable! But I suppose if this idea were packaged in a “Hey! In 10 years you’ll be able to swim in the harbor because of this vacant lot *WINK WINK*” then it would be met with thunderous applause.

Part 2: Conclusion

At the end of the day, all of these environmental measures and steps to unfuck the Inner Harbor from an unending death spiral brought on by decades of industrial abuse and the advent of suburbia are a good thing, but wrapping them in a unicorn-like fantasy of swimming and fishing right next to the USS Constellation is silly at best. If anything, I’d be much more likely to support this platform:

We’re Trying To Do What Needs To Be Done To Unfuck The Environment.

Sewage infrastructure, fining people for littering and dumping, waste/storm water management, these are all things that the government should be doing and continue to do, not so folks can swim in the harbor or catch fish in the harbor, but so future generations of Baltimoreans won’t have to look at their city and consistently frown at how disgusting it is overall. Focusing on the one aspect of the city that already receives such an enormous level of attention and resources gives the sense that “we’re all pitching in so tourists and rich people can enjoy themselves” and it’s the wrong way to go about it. Granted, I doubt the Waterfront Partnership will adopt my platform due to its use of F-bombs, but *maybe they should consider it* (and pay me for coming up with it).

….that’s it, pretty much.

photo via Waterfront Partnership, hilarious isn’t it?

Related posts:

1. A swimmable, fishable harbor: Or, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2. Southeastern District to be renamed, placed under dome
3. Update – The Struggle of Little Havana
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• Sweeney to Dixon: GTFO
• The Dixon trial aftermath – hilarious edition
• Dixon pleads not guilty; summons wizard as defense attorney
• Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program
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Sheila, I’m sure you’re well aware that your mayoral successor-by-default, Stephanie Rawlings Blake, recently won Baltimore’s illustrious and completely amazing primary election, essentially guaranteeing her mayorship after the general election. Just as you were finally voted into office having served as mayor-by-default after Martin O’Malley saved us all from BGE rate hikes when taking office as governor so many years ago, so too will Stephanie Rawlings Blake, though her chances of getting kicked out of office seem marginally slimmer than yours, in retrospect (no offense).

The problem is, unfortunately, SRB isn’t much fun to write about. She’s kinda boring. She doesn’t wear giant hats, fur coats, summon wizards as defense attorneys, propose taxes on belching, demand police protection, refuse to return security cameras for her house to the city, steal gift cards, engage in brazen nepotism, not even one shoe thrown in her 17 years of public service. Reading her press releases, plans for the city and listening to her political-machine-esque speeches devoid of anything new and different makes my eyes want to sleep, and worse yet, they aren’t funny at all!

But you, dear Sheila, you’ve got flair. Panache. And hell, you even had a legacy in your time as mayor: a free circulator everyone seems to enjoy, single stream recycling, a (sort of) plan to increase the city’s tree canopy in the next like, 40 years, things your average citizen actually benefits from on a daily basis. And let me tell you, had you been there for that totally sweet Baltimore Grand Prix, I’m willing to bet your hat would have been the biggest. What have we seen out of SRB legacy-wise aside from managing a completely broke city budget with out of control benefits spending and higher fees across the board ad infinitum? I can’t ride that for free to the book fair! I suppose she’s got four years to show us, but I doubt her legacy would be as awesomely outrageous as yours Sheila!

Which is why I’m asking – nay, begging – for you to run for mayor again in 2015. I mean hell, Marion Barry got re-elected and his crime was, for all intents and purposes, a thousand times more awesome than yours. And your 2007 campaign where you ran Keiffer Mitchell through the mud because his father stole $50,000 from him? *genius!* How much fun would it be to do the same to SRB? Now more than ever, the city of Baltimore needs you back. ….for the sake of our communities, and to save me from the boredom of Stephanie Rawlings Blake. For the lack of giant hats, for the myriad of unfinished development projects with your name on them still, we need you. More importantly, I need something to continue making fun of aside from the City Council. A Dixon vs. Rawlings-Blake campaign would be so grandly epic, its three-ring circusry would be etched into the marble of time, forever undiminished. Please. Please run for Mayor again, and rise to the occasion!!

? Evan

Related posts:

1. Sweeney to Dixon: GTFO
2. The Dixon trial aftermath – hilarious edition
3. Dixon pleads not guilty; summons wizard as defense attorney
4. Dixon unveils new “cap and trade” emissions program
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