A few dozen hours ago or so (this past Saturday) some friends and associates of mine collectively decided that we wanted to eat at a cheap Mexican restaurant that wasn’t like “Chevy’s Fancy” and certainly not “Blue Agave Overpriced” but rather “Cheap and Cheap,” and Brooklyn PARK (sorry Neal)’s El Salto (5513 Ritchie Highway) location was the answer. And so the journey began down Governor Ritchie Highway, where our dreams of $6 enchilada platters awaited us.

And so we ordered our $6 enchilada platters, some Texas Margaritas ($7 with a shot of *awful* tequila, mmmmmm) and the signature nachos of El Salto, Nachos El Salto ($7.95).

These nachos, while tasty, are utterly bizarre in every way. I don’t know how else to say it. It’s a puddle of queso sauce, a thin layer of chips, and a big ol’ pile of fajita meats with onions and peppers on top. Throw away literally everything you’ve ever thought about how a proper plate of nachos should be assembled and you’ve got Nachos El Salto. They’re good, they’re bad, they’re weird.

The good: Everything tasted pretty good. Good seasoning, hot toppings and cheesy queso. Can’t complain about that!

The bad: The chips here are totally unusable, they’ve basically become engorged with queso sauce and fajita drippings to the point that a single touch-grab-lift by human fingers would result in disaster. In fact, for a period of time we ate the toppings with forks, which is essentially a capital crime in the world of nacho consumption.

The MacGyver: Since El Salto is a cheap Mexican restaurant, they adhere to Cheap Mexican Restaurant Guidelines and Standards and present the table with a big bowl of chips n’ salsa, meaning the chips left over from the chips n’ salsa are *highly* usable for scooping up the fajita toppings on the plate of Nachos El Salto. This actually made them great, however still an egregious violation of Nacho Presentation and Consumption Guidelines and Standards. Shameful shit, but you do what you gotta do.

At the end of the day, these nachos are tasty, but they aren’t really nachos. They’re cheap and perfect for sharing, but they aren’t really nachos. Therefore, they receive no golden nachos out of five, and instead one golden donkey for effort. Kudos (?) to you, “Nachos” El Salto.

Related posts:

1. Nachoquest: Phoenix Emporium
2. Fuzzy Hearts to a Baltimore Food Examiner
3. Nacho Quest – The Nacho Manifesto

Baltimore Diner dropped the news the other day that Riverside’s fancy pantsy former-Bicycle restaurant Centro Tapas has closed its doors, after two years of service. This is extremely sad news, as the city of Baltimore now has fewer than ten restaurants dedicated to serving tiny bits of food at pretty high prices.

(Update: Gorelick has more news, as of 12/22, Corks is closed as well, landlord issues being cited, which in itself is totally expected. More on that soon.)

But don’t worry folks, there’s plenty of gourmet pizza establishments (4,435) to fill the void!

But I digress. Let’s tackle the issue of what ought to take the place of a restaurant such as Centro Tapas, with the city’s – as well as the neighborhood’s – representation of cuisine. And this is just my opinion, but as far as I’m concerned if you’re into “sharing” your meals with friends in a Tapas style manner, you can’t go wrong with Ethiopian cuisine. Tibs, Fitfit, Wat and those big ass sourdough flatbreads, Ethiopian food isn’t just built for sharing but more often than not, for $14.95 you can get enough food for 4 people,  with money left over for wine.

It's good, trust me

(fun fact: Coffee as a beverage originated in Ethiopia!)

Currently, Baltimore has like, three Ethiopian establishments – Dukem (1100 Maryland Ave, Mount Vernon) being far and away my favorite for my American currency based on their fried fish alone – and last I checked, none of them are in South Baltimore. Granted, Ethiopian certainly isn’t as flashy as deftly-prepared olive platters or black truffle chicken pâté, but in the bang-for-your-buck department, it almost always satisfies. But I’m probably delusional in thinking that a small Ethiopian eatery could fare well with a space as well-polished as Centro, unless new ownership could somehow make a big ass sourdough flatbreads covered in small piles of what appears to be nothing more than glop (delicious glop) seem appealing to the yuppier diners of Federal Hill and Riverside.

Or not? Who knows. It’ll be neat to see what takes its place (what would *you* want to see there?). Meantime, I’m heading to Dukem for some of that tastier-than-hell fried fish.

No related posts.

Over the holiday weekend, fellow blogger/advicer SpaceManAndy and I decided to try out the new Philips Seafood location in the Inner Harbor area, who famously moved into the old vacant ESPN Zone space and reopened in the past few weeks. What follows are our observations on the “new” Philips. Enjoy!

Evan: So like, Philips. I was a little surprised at the decor. I mean, I didn’t expect it to be all Rusty Scupper but the inflatable clowns on the walls really threw me for a loop.

Andy: Totally creepy! I swear I saw one blink!

Not to mention the website described the ambiance just a bit inaccurately – they mention polished wood everything and comfortable booth seating, but the wood is *balsa* wood for crap’s sake and the booths are voting booths. I need to be able to move my arms a little while I’m eating!

But at least they were private and I didn’t have to see you do your “see food” joke AGAIN.

Good point. Bwahahahahah “see food” – that old chestnut still gets me every time!!!!!!!!!

Yes, hilarious… anyway… that new schedule of events; kinda strange for a seafood establishment. The Wednesday hypnotism act is hilarious, even if it is a little raunchy. Might not want to bring the kids for that – though the kids will LOVE the pony rides, but at $15 per ride, it’s a little pricey. Plus the floor gets all full of pony turds after a while, not very awesome for folks trying to enjoy a fine dining atmosphere.

Speaking of fine dining, the silverware covered with little cartoon crabs was a nice touch.

And the Men’s room had a nude painting of the Utz girl that I found to be very tastefully done!

Does the Lady’s room have a nude painting of Mr. Boh in it? I didn’t check. Either way, pretty classy stuff. I need that element of high art while eating fried shrimp from a bucket.

I didn’t check either, but I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Nothing says fine dining like nudes in the bathroom.

That and the Brandy snifters. Nice touch drinking my Diet Coke and Fireball outta one of them things.

So let’s talk about the food a minute. What did you think Andy?

I really like it when a restaurant has an option to choose your own lobster. But maybe as a seafood restaurant they should get off their high horse and not make you listen as the lobster boils and screams. Very off-putting.

I didn’t have enough money to try the lobster so I kinda stuck to the apps menu. I tried a few things and I gotta say, the cotton candy was inedible. Even if they “Baltimorized” it with Old Bay, there are some things – like air-blown sugar – that salt doesn’t mix well with. Phillips should recognize this and adjust their menu accordingly. Don’t even get me started on the apple cider donut shooters.

I don’t know, I kind of liked the shooters, but by that time I was already pretty drunk from their Boh-Mosas. For the record, Boh and OJ mix surprisingly well. But take my word for it, ask for it without the Old Bay rim. Old Bay and OJ are not friends. So I was pretty happy with the drinks, but there was no bacon anywhere on the menu!

I know right? Phillips ought to at the very least follow food trends like every other Gastrobistrotapasgourmetpizza establishment and realize that bacon = PROFIT. They don’t even have Lobster Mac n’ Cheese! Every fancy ass restaurant worth its weight in bacon needs to have Lobster Mac n’ Cheese, preferably with bacon on it, or in it.

With bacon fed lobsters!

Now you’re onto something. We’re onto something. I think it’s time to start our own lobster farm! We could probably get Phillips to bankroll us, I hear they’ve got some money!

(Phillips photo via TDR. Guide to Online Schools has
info on culinary classes if you would like to learn more about cooking delicious seafood.)

No related posts.

So here we are with the new place, what was once Taverna Corvino is now C&R (Cowboys and Rednecks) Pub (1117 S Charles St., Federal Hill), an offering of theme restaurant meets Federal Hill nightlife establishment. “So what’s it like?” you’re asking yourself 63 times a day. Welll sir, I popped in there the other day to find out.

First thing’s first, the decor. A lot of work has been put into the space, with new appointments and a rather large automated rolling door to open up a revamped patio space out front when the weather permits, and two bars with roughly a dozen or so drafts on tap. The large space has been redecorated with deer antlers, murals of toothless gentlemen with jugs, painted corrugated metal and a menagerie of other, well, mostly Redneck but still some Cowboy themed stuff – essentially, if you’ve ever been to a Lonestar Steakhouse you know what the place looks like pretty much. Oh and wood, lots and lots of wood. Servers were all wearing plaid flannel shirts and various cowboy-type flair, and apparently they’re instructed to greet everyone with a “Howdy Y’all!”

Speaking of drafts on tap, the drafts are fairly reasonable in the price department ($3.50 for a Yuengling) which come in big, hefty and *frosted* mugs, which is always a good thing. A mural on the wall detailed a happy hour which hasn’t gone into effect yet: $2.50 bottles, draft specials, $4 pickle backs and so forth – but why hasn’t the happy hour gone into effect yet? Our server explained that it was only the first few weeks of being open, yet I would think having a happy hour – which requires no additional work – *especially* one that’s advertised on the wall of the restaurant, would be pretty key in drumming up initial business. Eh, either way the drink prices are fairly reasonable and a menu of specialty “C&R” themed drinks are available.

Food wise, the menu offers a healthy sampling of American South and many things meat, with a bit of variety. For instance, Texas Chili Pie ($7.95) is a well portioned-and-seasoned skillet full of minced meat with a hunk of cheese in it, while the shrimp boil ($16.95, the only seafood on the menu pretty much) is loaded with nicely seasoned and buttered potato slices, corncob, and medium skrimps. Unfortunately, and this is a huge drawback, the steak was prohibitively expensive for sampling (coz I ain’t getting paid to do this) – at $24, the lowest priced steak dish is in line with restaurants with established reputation. I find it difficult to reconcile the price versus probability that the quality would be on par with other theme restaurants like Outback or Lonestar, but I could be wrong. Other entrees like pot roast and the rib eye sandwich are in the $16-18 range, while peeking at other folk’s dishes they looked fairly decent – still pretty expensive.

And herein lies the seemingly recent “Bar/Restaurant Identity Crisis Syndrome. *(see below)” If, as a restaurant, you want to put on airs as to the quality of your food, service, etc and price your menu accordingly, go right ahead and do so. But while you’re at it, go ahead and decide whether you want to cater to those who want high quality food and a nice dining environment, or to those who want to hit up cheap booze happy hours and listen to thumping DJ music on the weekends with 20 something brodawgs – trying to accomplish both often results in one of the most awkward scenes I’ve seen at multiple venues that make the attempt: Patrons trying to enjoy a nice meal, usually of a middle-aged or older set, being crowded and forced to interact with drunk, loud crowds of weekend (or weekday) warriors. But then again, it’s Cross Street, Federal Hill, so I suppose this is par for the course. Bottom line, eat there early if you’re there to eat, as the kitchen closes at 10pm and the DJ starts spinning the iPods of steel at 10:01pm.

At the end of the day, I guess C&R will do pretty well. It’s got that new bar smell, reasonably priced drinks and while the menu is a little expensive for my tastes, the nibbles we sampled were actually pretty tasty. If you’re looking for some nightlife action, the DJ on Friday/Saturday spins a healthy mix of pop country and top 20 type stuff, if it floats your boat. Best of luck to you, C&R Pub!

***POST-POST THIRD PARTY MINI REVIEW***
prior to typing up this FI on C&R, a reader emailed me a brief synopsis of their thoughts on the establishment. I figured I’d post it, coz hey, it’s the 80s

This place is loud and first thought of The Reserve. I thought C&R had a huge identity crisis – they have no clue what they want to be, a steak house that serves average and expensive steak with a sports bar that’s loud and obnoxious with a lot of douchebags. I had to ask for A-1, which I should never have to, it tasted like how I would cook it. I will give it another chance but it reminded me of a poor man’s Outback without the flavor or identity. I’m actually mad because I had high hopes for it, I was at least expecting a Ryleigh’s type of place – they should just ditch the steak altogether or do it right, Bluegrass would have made a nice local steakhouse.

Anyone else been there yet? Is this accurate?

Related posts:

1. Social Pub and Pie is open for business
2. Finnegan’s Wake / Dark Horse Tavern: First Impressions

2 meat platter, $14.99

While attending last week’s Beer Week opener, one of the tables handing out lil’ plates of food was Kloby’s Smokehouse (7500 Montpelier Rd., Laurel). Their samples included lil’ cups of pulled pork – East North Carolina style pulled pork (the best kind) – and a coupon for $5 off your order. So with trepidation I got into my 1996 Honda Accord with replacement off-color hood and hole-filled muffler and drove the 20 minutes to Laurel, and was culinarily pleased in every way.

The digs at Kloby’s are fairly standard for a strip mall eatery – single color walls with zany stuff hung up all over the place, with plenty of tables for sitting and a bar for drinking. Speaking of the bar, Kloby’s has a lot of beers on tap. I counted at least 20, their selection illuminated on a flat screen TV a la Frisco Grill/Taphouse over in Columbia; not as high scoring as Frisco’s 50+ selection, but Kloby’s also specializes in Bourbon, of which their menu holds over 20 varieties. But since I had driven and fully expected to be in a meat coma by the time I was ready to leave, I opted out of booze and went for an Arnie Palmy, a 2 meat platter with brisket and pulled pork, and a jalapeno popper appetizer.

Let’s talk a second about these jalapeno poppers. Two things, specifically: they’re stuffed with pulled pork, and they come with a truly magical dipping sauce. The pulled pork inside should be enough to get your mouth-motor going, but this sauce – Jesus TD Christ – this sauce. I bought two bottles of it and have been dipping everything from newborn babies to french fries to other meat products in it. In fact, all of the sauces at Kloby’s seem to be delicious; the two in the photo above were delicious, the two others I tried were delicious, in short Kloby’s makes some awesome BBQ sauces.

The brisket and pulled pork on the platter were really well done, the pulled pork was really fatty which some people love – me not so much, but I ate it anyway. The brisket was tender to the point where I couldn’t pick it up with a fork, it kept falling apart in the process so I ate it by picking it up with extremely clean fingers. And those weird green things in that cup – “green beans” I believe they’re called (I’m unfamiliar with most “vegetable” products) – were also smoked and had a little red pepper kick to them. Goooood stuff.

To be sure, there was enough meat-related wonderment on the menu that I’ll be coming back for seconds, but this meal left me in one hell of a food coma. I had no choice but to curl up in the back seat of my Accord and hibernate for three days afterward. Kudos to you, Kloby’s Smokehouse!

No related posts.

Chocolatea (3811 Canterbury Rd., Tuscany-Canterbury) is fairly easy to miss. It’s settled on the corner of the Ambassador Building (next to Ambassador Dining Room, natch), it’s quiet, unassuming and fairly colorful inside. And the few times I had strolled past Chocolatea on foot I figured it was a fairly run-of-the-mill coffee shop with a remotely clever name, until I took a gander at their new(ish) menu: “Spicy Beef Ramen? Teriyaki rice bowls? These things are not Tea nor Chocolate.”

Somehow, someway Chocolatea for some amazing reason decided to add a robust selection of noodle soups and other asian dishes to their menu, and while I’ve only had this (pictured) bowl of Spicy Beef Ramen ($10) I have witnessed at least 4-5 other dishes being delivered to other cafe patrons and they all look really, really delicious. This beef ramen, for the record, was really, really, delicious. Fresh noodles, huge chunks of sliced ginger, broccoli, mint, and a mountain of beef, all *extra* spicy at request. It could have very easily fed two people but I’m a selfish baby so I ate it all myself and regret nothing. I’m looking forward to sampling their various other noodle bowls like Udon, Rojak, Tom Yum and probably some more of this Ramen.

Oh yeah, they have a whole bunch of teas, coffees, truffles and pastries and stuff too, they’re all pretty good too. But good god, try this Ramen.

No related posts.

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

(guess that PSA didn’t do the trick)

One thing I find most curious about this transfer – the request for live music. Live music? In that space? Not a whole lot of room in that space. Outdoor service, eh, sure why not. It’ll be interesting to see what the next set of folks want to do with ye olde SoBo Cafe, and it’s sad to see them go (when/if they do – as above)- they had some of the best meatloaf in town – generally haphazard service and hours, but great meatloaf.

No related posts.

In case you missed it last week amidst the unending Grand Prix coverage, Federal Hill’s Taverna Corvino space (1117-19 S Charles St.) had itself a little transfer of ownership (leased property) from the McComas-in-name-only crowd to one C+R Pub, which is in practice going to supposedly be a steakhouse, and the C+R stands for “Cowboys and Rednecks.”

………….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

I’m excited for this “Y’all,” I mean Federal Hill has up to this point been totally devoid of Cowboy and/or Redneck themed steak restaurants, and come hell or high water, the area will finally have one!! “Yeehaw!!”

At any rate it seems like just last late Winter-ish or so when Taverna closed its doors, acquired the residential home next to it and ownership claimed to be expanding into the adjacent property, while also opening up the top floor for more table service. Seemed to me at the time to be an unusual move, considering the crowds at Taverna were always fairly thin; initially the restaurant was billed as Authentic Italian +Wine much like its predecessor Vespa, which slowly gave way to $2 Miller Lite bottle happy hours as the months went by and dollars were seemingly not flowing as expected (looking at your $2 shot specials also, Corks) through the doors. Then in April McComas et al shuttered the establishment, confirming that traffic had hindered the business from being what it was expected to be, noting in an email to D@L “We expect to open up (a) new concept midsummer incorporating the space next door (1123 S Charles) with a nice courtyard in the back…”

Seemingly fortunate that the business went onto the market and was picked up within a few months, whoever decided to plunk down what has to be a tidy sum of money for the barely started refurbishing / expansion / retooling of the concept has a lot of work ahead of them. Are you excited?

No related posts.

As you may be aware of, last Friday marked the beginning of Baltimore’s Summer Restaurant Week, during which oodles of area restaurants strut their stuff by offering prix-fixe menus at $20.11 for a lunch, or $35.11 for (usually) a three-course dinner. A fine value to be sure, especially with options like a-favorite-of-mine Helmand (806 North Charles St., Mt. Vernon), or Ruth’s Chris Steak House (literally everywhere in the city) if you’re slumming it* are available and might normally be out of your price range.

But for me personally, hell, for $35.11 you can get some pretty fantastic deals around Baltimore without the need for any hi-highfalutin’ Restaurant Week, to be sure! Just the other day I started coming up with a list of such options, and I think you might agree when I say they blow any Restaurant Week offering out of the water and straight into the toilet. Observe:

ROUGHLY 140 CHICKEN McNUGGETS

This one was already mention on The Twitter the other day, but the fact remains that a 20 piece McNugget is currently available at your local McDonald’s for $4.99, which means you could theoretically cash in on 7 of them and have a giant McNugget party complete with all 47 (or however many it is now) dipping sauces that McDonald’s seems to be rebranding these days. Even better, get only 6 20 piece McNuggets for a grand total of 120 McNuggets and cash in on the additional savings with a 44 oz Sweet Tea and a few lottery scratch offs! You might even profit on the whole thing!

A WHOLE BUNCH OF SPICY POLISH

Polock Johnny’s has some absolutely incredible Polish Sausages, my favorite being the Spicy Polish with their “works” sauce, which is essentially a sweet ketchup-based relish I could easily eat a whole gallon of slathered onto the sausage. For $35.11 you can easily buy ten or so with a large soda, and still have enough money to purchase everything on their alternate menu, including some very handy napkins or hot water for your noodle soup. The bargains are endless!

THE CHAPS MEATGASM

Chaps Pit Beef, Baltimore best place to get a pit beef sandwich and a lap dance, is practically world famous at this point for piling high assloads of their delicious meat products onto buns and serving them to you at an affordably delicious price. Their most iconic sandwich, according to the Travel Channel, is The Raven – a 3-meat abomination piled to the ceiling with pit turkey, pit beef, and corned beef covered with onions and their patented tiger sauce (mayo, mostly). And since each The Raven is $7.55, you can buy four of them with a side of gravy fries and a drink for roughly $35. Seeing as how each The Raven contains about 76 pounds of meat, I’d say it’s something of a bargain.

EVERY SINGLE PANINI ON THE MENU AT TRINACRIA

Trinacria is easily, if not definitely, number one of the top three Italian deli/groceries in the entire city, with some of the cheapest and most delicious sandwiches you’ll find. Their panini menu has five to choose from, each ridiculously delicious – and guess what, at $6.99 a piece you can buy all of them for less than $35.11 with a few pennies left over (give them to a homeless person or something, it’s good karma). In fact, as I was browsing the menu online I realized I might actually consider buying all five of these paninis and just cuddling with them:

Roast Beef Panini (Roast Beef, Gorgonzola, Roasted Peppers, Olive Oil)
Rosemary Panini  (Rosemary Ham, Fresh Mozzarella, Romano, Olive Oil)
Prosciutto Panini (Prosciutto, Fresh Mozzarella, Roasted Peppers, Olive Oil)
Smoked Turkey Panini (Smoked Turkey, Artichokes, Fresh Mozzarella, Roasted Peppers, Olive Oil)
Veggie Panini (Artichokes, Tapenade, Roasted Peppers, Fresh Mozzarella, Olive Oil)

Not convinced? Well you should be. Otherwise, enjoy your restaurant week suckers! I’m going hog wild with some dipping sauces!!!!

*that’s a joke assholes

No related posts.

I’ll usually hit up Phoenix Emporium (8049 Main Street, Ellicott City) specifically for their wide selection of bottled beers (“From around the world!”) or maybe a club sandwich on a Sunday, but a few days ago felt that twitchy Nacho Nerve™ twitching again and decided to give the pubbery’s “Super Nachos” a whirl. Running at $9.95 these ‘chos feature tomato, lettuce, cheese, chili and some sort of paprika dusting with sour cream and salsa on the side. There’s more than enough nacho here for two people, and I enjoy the fact that these are flat-priced nachos without that ridiculous “$3 extra for [insert meat or other topping]” seen so often at other establishments.

That’s about the only upside. On the downside, these nachos lack a few key ingredients seen practically anywhere else like refried beans, jalapenos, and a little extra cheese would have made them one golden chip higher in rating. The addition of chili is a great thing, but the inclusion of some of the other favorites would have made them that much greater. The oddest part about the whole endeavor as you can sort of see in the photo, the lettuce is like, salad lettuce. Big leaves of lettuce. Lettuce that gets in the way of eating the more important stuff like cheese, chili and chip, that sort of thing.

Having said all of that, maybe Phoenix Emporium should adjust their menu to better reflect the quality of their product; rather than list them as “Super Nachos,” perhaps the menu should say “Fairly Adequate Nachos” – though it doesn’t really have the same ring to it, I guess.

3 golden nachos out of 5
(really a 2.5 but the chili tipped them up)

(check out the Nacho Quest Google Map)

Related posts:

1. Nachoquest: El Salto
2. It’s National Nachos Day!!!!
3. Fuzzy Hearts to a Baltimore Food Examiner
4. Nacho Quest – The Nacho Manifesto