Ray Rice, as viewed under an electron microscope

As we await this Sunday’s Conference Championship game in which the Baltimore Ravens face off against the New England Patriots aired on CBS, let’s take a look back at some of the commentary between announcers Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf this past Sunday during the Ravens/Texans game that didn’t make the broadcast. Greg n Dan rap about Ray Rice and the secrets of his talent, as described by many other CBS announcers.

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

Dan: So we of course have Suggs, Lewis, Flacco, Boldin, all superstars in their own right. And that Ray Rice, boy he sure is small. Ha, look at him, all tiny like that! He sure does try hard.

Greg: He sure does Dan, he’s so adorable I literally want to hold him in my arms and put a little acorn hat on him instead of a football helmet, that’s how adorable he is. Oh and he also plays football for the Ravens.

Dan: Actually about that, you know part of the reason Rice is so successful with running that ball is due to his small stature. At a mere three feet tall, he assume a rabbit-like speed in part because of a low center of gravity. That’s science Greg.

Greg: It’s sure is Dan and actually my understanding about that is that at his height, 27 inches, he actually begins to assume small scale laws of physics in which gravity applies less to him than the other players. This in fact allows him to run across water like some sort of water strider and climb up walls.

Dan: A valid point in and of itself. And did you know that with his frame Ray Rice actually can lift several times his own weight? His Ant Strength has been called into question by NFL officials as a possible violation, but since the NFL allowed Air Bud to play Wide Retriever back in 1998, the argument may be invalidated by precedent.

Greg: Well we’ll just have to let the officials decide on that, in the meantime let’s talk about how Ray Rice is actually composed of billions of molecular nanobots, allowing his internal systems to actually change shape and flatten themselves, which is also why he’s so strong – and because he can adjust his shape, he’s more equipped to slip through cracks in the defensive line of [the Texans], and also slide under door cracks.

Dan: I hadn’t heard that about Rice, just that he’s really really small and that’s why he’s so successful. Or maybe none of this is true and he’s just incredibly good at football?

Greg: Shut up, Dan.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

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Von Boomerang watches us all

@npvajda tipped me off to this magically awesome video for Pizza Boomerang, a creation put together by Barcelona-based Sofa Experience Communications who apparently do a bunch of commercials for Burger King in Spain. Beside the point. On the point, this video RULES. It has literally everything you could possibly want in a video about pizza boomerangs:

• A pizza boomerang
• Tears of blood
• Suicidal men in Christmas sweaters
• Castration
• Grilled Octopus!

I’m just going to shut up now, you should watch this video. Right Now.

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A short while ago I received a phone call from my ol’ buddy Tom explaining that he’d be coming up to town for a Ring of Honor show at Duburns Arena, a wrestling group I had never heard of but apparently is gaining a lot of traction in recent history due to it getting picked up by Sinclair broadcasting (You can currently see it air on Saturdays at 1pm on Fox 45, 10pm on the CW), otherwise being shown internationally on various satellite television stations and relying mostly on DVD sales for its shows/pay per views to fund its operations. Unfortunately, Tom wound up not being able to make the trip but I noticed the GA tickets were only $20, so what the hell, I figured I’d check it out.

It actually wound up being a great deal of fun. I (like a lot of other guys I know) haven’t really watched or even had a passing interest in pro wrestling since college, so this was a great way to reintroduce myself to the sport as a form of entertainment. The setup, like a lot of indie wrestling operations, was pretty small; a ring surrounded on three sides by bleachers, with front row seating on three sides of the ring and one side reserved for color commentary. The entrance is a small ramp (shown) with a curtain, nothing crazy, no pyro or a lot of glitz, just good ol’ fashioned pro wrestling with a clean cut image.

The clean cut image being what I learned later to be RoH’s MO, as illustrated by its “Code of Honor,” a list of 5 requirements for each match that must be met which is fairly unique to American wrestling organizations:

1. Wreslters must shake hands before and after every match.
2. No outside interference: no interfering in others’ matches or having others interfere on your behalf.
3. No sneak attacks.
4. No harming the officials.
5. Any action resulting in a disqualification violates the Code of Honor.

Granted, during the taping of their show – which went on for four hours – I didn’t notice whether all of these requirements were being met, but that’s not the important part. The important part is that RoH is coming back to Baltimore on February 4th, and it’s a lot of fun and you should go. The small show feel of RoH essentially means that you’re guaranteed to be sitting (or standing, as we were) only a few feet away from the entertainment, whereas your bigger venue show – for $20 – will guarantee you sitting at least 100 yards away and watching the whole thing through opera glasses. While the seating filled up very quickly around the ring, folks still sat in the bleachers provided by Duburns Arena and had a perfectly fine view of the action, and management has claimed that more seats will be available for the 2/4 show.

Even if you’re not a fan of wrestling and think it’s stupid, it’s easy to appreciate drinking some Budweisers and watching guys in crazy costumes doing backflips, frog splashes and power bombs while lamenting a ref’s blown calls after a close victory or loss, all while cameras capture the audience beating their hands against bleachers in an effort to get on camera. It’s pure Americana. From that prospective alone I’d recommend it, much like watching golden gloves boxing in Glen Burnie. And if you are a fan of wrestling, well, you probably already know that Ring of Honor is coming back to Baltimore on February 4th and you might even already have your tickets. But if you don’t and it’s been a long time since you’ve seen the unique entertainment that only pro wrestling can provide, you should check it out. And if you do, get their early if you want to sit, as the general admission seating goes quickly!

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coming soon

Mashable broke the news today that our president Barack Obama has gone and gotten himself an Instagram account, a web tool commonly used by folks who love to make their camera phone photos look like they’re over 40 years old, for some reason, also a commonly used web tool by nature’s favorite joke, Hipsters.

Twitter was quick to make the obvious joke “Eheheheherheheheher Obama’s a Hipster,” but I see the forest, the *bigger* possibilities – blockbuster big screen comedy film. Yes friends, “Hipster President” most definitely should be a moviefilm or an HBO miniseries of some variety, for its comedic promises are guaranteed to revolutionize comedy and beaten to death internet memes in a way never before seen by humanity. Listen up Hollywood, here’s the pitch:

ACT 1

In a King-Ralphian lob, everyone who happens to be in line of succession for the presidency (all 18 of them) happens to be in the same place at the same time when a very tragic and very zany accident occurs, killing them all hilariously. Due to a loophole in the Constitution or something, the first born son of the Speaker of the House is about to be made President, whether he likes it or not! UH OH!

Smash cut to Brooklyn (or wherever it’s fashionable for hipsters to live at the time of filming, possibly Portland or Denver or Austin) where the audience is introduced to Atticus Rickson, who spends his days selling fair trade wallets at various internet cafes while absconding their wifi connections so he can complain on his iPhone via Twitter about the lacking availability of organic produce he uses his food stamps to purchase.

Atticus hasn’t spoken to his father – the Speaker of the House – since graduating college, resentful of Mr. Rickson for insisting that Atticus “Straighten up and fly right” utilizing his liberal arts degree in Art History for the greater good, possibly even going into the family business (Politics) that made the Ricksons so successful. So what a shock to Atticus, when Secret Service comes knocking on his $1200 a month dining-room-turned apartment when they grab him and force him into a black Escalade!!!

ACT 2

The situation is quickly explained en route to Washington, D.C. as Atticus is apathetically stunned to learn that not only has his father been hilariously killed, but he would be moving into the White House immediately. Atticus is introduced to his plucky staffers, the crusty mean old Republicans that try to discredit him, blah blah blah. Then a series of scenes ensues in which President Rickson makes a general mess of the White House having beer parties and vinyl listening sessions with his friends from Williamsburg instead of dealing with the nation’s issues, which are all being juggled by his plucky staffers and the Act 3 love interest that has a nose piercing and “sees the good in him.”

This contrived dribble continues until…

ACT 3

Where in one scene, Atticus realizes that properly running the country, committing one’s self to public service and *not* being a corrupt pile of shit is – wait for it – not mainstream – and begins to find it cool. He somehow then convinces all of our nation’s hipsters of this via a series of poignant Tumblr posts, and hipsters become America’s greatest asset. The plucky female love interest staffer hugs him deeply and proclaims her love for Atticus, to which he turns to the camera, winks, sips a PBR and says “Whatever.”

THE END

10,000 OSCARS

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Scooter Nation—

‘Tis the season for family holiday photo cards to bombard our mailboxes. The majority of the cards you will receive have happy families smiling, newborns or cute kids. Some I’ve seen are either awkward, scary and fall into the what the hell were they thinking category.

I’ve compiled a few. Enjoy! (click any one to start the slideshow)

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Scooter Nation—

Subliminal messaging or subliminal persuasion has been used in advertising for a long time. No matter what the product, even the slightest subliminal suggestion can have a huge effect on the consumer according to some. Here is a sample of a classic Yellow Pages ad:

A simple ad but once turned upside down, it appearS to be morE than you’d eXpect. It even has the word “laid” right there in the headline! This ad ran for a while until it was brought to the attentionS of the EXecutive powers that be at Yellow Pages, who promptly brought the ban hammer down on the “offensive” imagery.

Subliminal messaging has long been used within advertising, but it wasn’t until 1974 that the FCC adopted guidelines stating that although subliminal advertising might not be effective, they still felt it was a deceptive practice. If any broadcaster of TV or radio signals uses a subliminal message, they can be subject to fines from the FCC. But that doesn’t seem to have stopped a lot of them from using it intentionally or unintentionally, with hilarious results! Here are some more interesting SEXamples:

BODY PARTS

"Grab a Heine" literally in this Heineken ad.

Though small and housed within an ice cube, there's another oral pleasure besides feeling the curves and enjoying your Coke®

Some of these don't even need to be pointed out, I mean seriously how could you not see the tongue in this hot dog ad.

Bread may or may not be life but you'd be hard pressed not to see what's in this photo!

The ad that launched the saying "double clicking her mouse"

Why do men love Dodge trucks? Is it because they're "ram" tough?

THE WORD “SEX”

Not only sex but a sexplosion.

OH PEPSI

Governments are not above slipping SEX into their paper money! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

THE ACT OF SEX

Sugar Ray should be so lucky.

This one is very disturbing, especially now that there have been high-profile child sex abuse cases in the media lately. But there's definitely a fetish website in there somewhere.

*Tell me* that you don’t see SEXual acts on these labels. Tell me!

Until next time!

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Last week the announcement of the First (maybe) Annual Blogger’s Challenge sent the twitterverse and Internet in general into a tailspin, generating literally tens of pageviews and suggestions for topics numbering in the fewer than six. And now it’s time, dear readers, to choose a topic – there are five, and they’re all decent enough. The poll embedded below on this blogopost will be open for 24 hours, or you can leave your vote in the comments section. After the topic has been decided by popular vote, interested bloggers will have until Sunday 11/13 to submit a link to their finished writing on said topic, all of which will be listed in next Monday’s post!

…I guess we’ll figure out something reward-related after that. GET VOTING

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1. Grannies
2. Swords
3. Butterfly Knives
4. Boom Boxes
5. Grannies with Beers

Enjoy! (via @lmergner)

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Scooter Nation— 

Did you know that there is an American Moustache Institute? It provides a quick look through history, a style guide and the American ‘stache humble beginnings.

They told me I gave them the best milk moustache of anybody. 
—Yasmine Bleeth

History is full of epic moustaches. The Babylonians believed that a man’s virility was proportional to the thickness of his moustache and even swore oaths upon their beards. America has been all over the board when it comes to appreciating a good ‘stache. At certain times you only saw lower class citizens with them and then at other times in history it became acceptable with the blue bloods. It has been an ebb and flow part of the American culture. In honor of MOVEMBER, and the celebration of men’s health, I figured I’d share the different styles you may see out there so you can identify them by name.

Nation—

I moustache you a question. But I’ll shave it for later, but a little beard told me to tell you so I will whisker it in your ear. (Sorry, that was for Pilarski)

I leave you with this:
An eskimo brings his snowmobile in to the local garage because it’s not running well.
The mechanic takes a look at it and says “looks like you blew a seal”
The eskimo replies “NO, that’s just frost on my moustache!

(don’t forget to check out our shirt honoring Baltimore’s most epic moustaches in Yardsale!)

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Since 1959, with only a few exception including incarceration, he has waited. 62 year old Linus Van Pelt sits patiently in the pumpkin patch he assumes to be worthy of a gift bearing pumpkin that will only appear in the “most sincere” pumpkin patch, which will then fly around and grant gifts to the children of the world. Clutching the same blue blanket he has owned since birth, threadbare and stained by countless bed wetting incidents, Linus waits. He slowly rocks back and forth, sign held in the air as high as his arthritic back will allow. Linus is tired, but a look of fervent resolve still fills his eyes.

We checked in on Linus at his Great Pumpkin patch this past week, where he was spotted at 3am, soaked by the rain and mumbling uncontrollably. When approached by our reporter, he simply stated:

There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.

“I don’t want to suggest we’ve given up on him,” states his sister Lucy, “but Linus is beyond approach at this point. He’s been waiting for that pumpkin for over fifty years, in fact the last time he thought he saw it was a full 12 years ago, and it turned out to be Snoopy on a zamboni.”

“It was cute for the first few years, you know?” Lucy takes a drag of her More 100 and wipes her nose. “But we were kids. Now I have grandkids, and they laugh at him. He’s living in our basement, he doesn’t have a job and we don’t know what to do with him. We thought after he got out of the institute it would be all better. It hasn’t gotten any better.”

From 1985 until 1995, Linus sat in a cell in a Hennepin County mental institute after pleading guilty to killing a man in a fit of rage for claiming that The Great Pumpkin didn’t exist. Linus plead insanity and spent ten hard years in therapy, surrounded by doctors attempting to decipher why and how The Great Pumpkin became such an obsession to Van Pelt as to lead him to murder.

“Our first breakthrough was probably regarding his authority figures growing up,” his primary therapist, Dr. McPeebles. “As a child Linus had an inner ear disfigurement which caused anyone with an adult vocal wavelength to sound very similar to a muted trombone. It made growing up very difficult for him, to the point that he only knew how to communicate with children his own age. The Great Pumpkin, as was later revealed in therapy, is the embodiment of loving care for all children that he could never receive verbally. It took us three years just to get him to talk about The Great Pumpkin – he just kept repeating that thing about religion and politics. At any rate, as he continued year after year in waiting, his frustration grew and grew. I suppose he finally snapped in 1985.”

After ten long years, Linus was finally released from custody after his therapists reported no repeat mentions of The Great Pumpkin, even around Halloween. For three more years, Linus was a productive member of society with a steady, menial job. But then tragedy struck.

Page 1 – Page 2 –>

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