Word has it that the once embattled and now seemingly acceptable Tiki Barge (500 Harborview Dr., Inner Harbor) is applying to expand its operations, in order to include a lil’ ol’ thing they like to call the “Raw Barge.” Billed as a seafood restaurant, this Raw Barge has one of the most comedy-ripe names I’ve heard in quite a while, harkening back to the days of Green Cilantro and NADDs (or possibly Shirley’s Honey Hole).

The Raw Barge – a leather daddy barge? TUESDAY NIGHTS! BEAR NIGHT! GET RAW AT THE RAW BARGE! RAW DAWGS ONLY!!

Possibly a vegan-friendly barge that serves only raw foods? As we all have learned thanks to the infinite wisdom of raw foods enthusiasts, steaming a carrot DESTROYS ANY AND EVERY NUTRIENT WITHIN, and what better way to enjoy a platter of raw turnip, than on a barge?

Or possibly a barge for watching WWE’s Monday Night Raw – I know I’d be there each and every Monday!

Regardless of the name, after its initial summer of too-much-success-for-Harborview-residents and a brief flirtation with having its liquor license suspended (for the entirety of Harborview), which was fairly quickly reversed, Tiki Barge seems to have settled in this past season with little noise or discomfort (at least, until their liquor license goes back for renewal!). With any luck this seafood addition will enhance the experience and further move its initial image from “Jersey Shore reject hang out” to “Nice place to sit, eat some oysters and then get horrible cramps by swimming too soon afterward*.”

Best of luck to you, Raw Barge!

*yes I am aware that this is just something your parents tell you and isn’t based in actual medical fact, cram it

No related posts.

But let’s face it, the City’s pot committed at this point, obviously they’ll figure out a way to endorse this thing for next year in the unending hope that the vast riches promised by street racing will eventually pan out and deliver our struggling budget from a fate worse than ….what it already is. To that end, we’re going to need some tricks up our sleeves, some aces in the holes, some eight balls in the corner pockets, and some other analogies for success in order to get the Grand Prix into the limelight and start really selling those tickets in addition to scoring high profile sponsorships. Here are four ideas that are guaranteed to work!

Changes to the track

Fact of the matter is, racetracks are incredibly boring. Hardly any loopdy-loops, definitely no fire pits, it’s basically just really flat asphalt with the occasional curve or pile of tires and/or flaming car to avoid. Which is why I propose extending the race track northward all the way up Charles St. to Penn Station and adding a ramp over the Male/Female statue. It would make for an amazing display of car-related awesomeness, and also provide the very likely chance that one of the Indy cars would fail to make the jump, and crash into/destroy the Male/Female statue. This possibility alone would more than likely attract millions from potential investors!

Free Nintendor BDS with Mario Kart BDS with ticket

If there’s one thing people love, it’s free crap. Especially if said free crap can distract their children for long periods of time while they’re trying to watch vehicles driving past them at high speeds and drinking heavily. Unfortunately, in order to provide every ticket holder with a free Nintendo 3DS preloaded with Mario Kart 3DS (in keeping with the theme of the event, natch), at ~$220 a pop x~100,000 might stretch the budget a bit. Fortunately, Chinese gaming company Nintendor has their own version called the BDS, which comes preloaded with Mario Kart BDS, and only plays Mario Kart BDS, and costs $10 (may explode in your child’s face). Organizers may also want to consider giving away a free Sorny Planestation here and there (MSRP $14) or a Marcintosh iPlaid (MSRP $25) in the form of a raffle to get patrons excited for the possibility of higher billing prizes.

Final race: Last place car at the end of every lap explodes

Even with totally sweet jumps in place, watching cars zip around a track for hours on end may appeal to some, but for most people it’s pretty dull. Which is why, during the last race of the weekend-long event, every car that happens to be in last place over the course of each lap should explode. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE AND HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO SEE THAT? I’d pay at least, like, $20.

Googly Eyes on all cars

A strictly cosmetic but still very important decision, placing googly eyes on each and every car in the Grand Prix will appeal to children, children at heart and Tumblr enthusiasts alike, and as a possible option for Pat Turner’s upcoming Westport development project backing its credibility, googly eyes are a sure fire way to entertain and endear a steady stream of indy cars zipping past to the hearts of prix-goers. Just imagine the – haha – hilarious – hahahahaha – image of hahahahahahahahaha! I’m sorry I can’t stop enjoying the good-natured humor of googly eyes!!

Hell, if even half of these ideas gets implemented, instant $300 million in revenue. GET ON IT, PRIX COMMITTEE.

No related posts.

Season’s Greetings Baltimore! Block upon block of city blight got you down? Snowify it! Twitterman @MMMcDermott has already made his and so did we! You should make one too and post it in the comments section of this blog post! It’s super fun and easy to do! Very excited! Exclamation points!

Edit: Here’s @dukiebiddle’s!!

No related posts.

This Friday at 7pm marks the Polish Home Club’s (510-12 S Broadway, Fells Point) annual Christmas Caroling extravaganza in Fells Point, an event I was introduced to by a highschool friend of mine some time ago and have grown to enjoy thoroughly. It’s an event that amounts to almost pure tradition, fortunately without feeling the slightest bit milk toast or boring (more on that in a second). Carolers essentially do a lap around Fells Point proper, led by a full blown Polka band while singing traditional carols in English and Polish, with phonetic pronunciation available for the 99.99% of us that no longer know any other languages other than high school Spanish – thanks public school!

Most of the streets around the route are blocked off momentarily by police for the throngs to pass through, so carolers can revel in the knowledge that they’re probably pissing off some Harbor East resident who’s attempting to get home by way of Canton, so that’s pretty satisfying. Also in the satisfying department, a lot of Fells Point is shockingly still inhabited by people who legitimately decorate their houses and apartments; legitimate citizens of Baltimore who’ve been here long enough to remember when the Polish Home Club probably had over a handful of members, they sit by their windows and populate their stoops, actually waving to people as they stroll by singing off-key, occasionally even handing out a cookie or three. It’s down right heart warming. The sing-walkathon ends with an after party at the Home Club itself, featuring even more Polka and cheap as hell booze.

Speaking of booze, the aforementioned “Not all boring” aspect of this whole caroling experience: Lots of booze. Lots of Medovukha/Krupnikas, lots of Vodka, lots and lots of hot, boozy cider to warm your throat and loosen your vocal cords enough to let yourself hear yourself sing poorly. Even if someone hands you a cup of hot cocoa and swears it contains no alcohol, *do not bring it near an open flame*. So at the very least, a fun boozy time with friends and Polka in the middle of the street should be enough to get you there.

But more importantly, the Home Club could use a hand. Like most lodges and homes of its kind, the Polish Club is populated by die hard Polish Baltimoreans who’ve been here through the worst, whose numbers have been steadily dwindling due to the draw of the suburban safety net, a lack of interest in heritage-based social clubs among the younger set, and just plain old age. The Club’s numbers and financing have trickled to the point to where their annual Polish festival was cancelled this past year primarily due to the city increasing its fees (SHOCKER) for permits, with the hopes of moving to Timonium in 2012 – but losing the festival is a symbolic blow to the city’s culture.

Having said that, why not come down and join in the fun this coming Friday and think of having a cheap night out once in a while with friends at the Home Club. It’s like Blob’s Park, but it’s in the city, and ….it’s Polish, not German, but there’s still Polka and booze!

Related posts:

1. Get Down to The Get Down
2. Leroy NOOOOOOOOO!
3. Bacon Friday for a Bacon Monday

lol

And so it was after Earth Day 2010 that the Waterfront Partnership unveiled its, shall we say, ambitious goal to make Baltimore’s Inner Harbor two of two seemingly impossible things: Swimmable, and Fishable. Not only swimmable and fishable, but swimmable and fishable in ten years. The initially touted details involved spreading awareness of the perils of litter, construction or large marsh-barges and  other measures that at that time I deemed “a bit cutesy” when faced with the astronomical amount of literal-and-figurative dogshit lurking within the Harbor’s sediments. And maybe it was a bit naive of me to think that through the creation of this initiative it was a sly grab at Federal and/or State grant monies, but as it turns out the ambition is a lot more far-reaching and applies to the entire city, as well as surrounding county – so people can swim in the harbor.

Which brings us to today, when mayor SRB and the Waterfront Partnership put on a show announcing a “full court press” with a year of planning behind it, aimed at reducing litter, pollution and sewage leaks which all feed directly into the body of water, making it inhospitable for fish and swimming enthusiasts.

Which will cost, as an estimate, over $220 million over the next nine years.

Now while I would agree that the environment, as an issue, is important for a nearly-post industrial city like Baltimore where the harbor has been ravaged by nearly two centuries of uninterrupted pollution, *right now* the perception seems to be “We’re continuing to develop the waterfront so residents of Harborview can enjoy that water they spent so much money to look at on a daily basis.” I realize this isn’t necessarily the case, that the folks at the Waterfront Partnership are legitimate conservationists on a mission, but at a time when entire city blocks continue to look like this and we’re closing down public pools due to budgetary constraints, it seems pretty mind numbing. Leave it to Twitter to find someone else who can say it in 140 characters or less:

@dennisthecynic @KeifferMitchell We come together to focus $200MM on a harbor, but never like that for schools, rec/kids, safety, firehouses

December 14, 2011 1:07 pm via TweetDeckReplyRetweetFavorite

@DavidMTaylor

David M Taylor

Implementation, lol

But the figure of over $200 million doesn’t just come alone, the implementation plan proposed offers a slew of short-and-long-term strategies for accomplishing a 2020 swimmable, fishable harbor. I cherry picked the ones from the Sun’s coverage, with commentary. Enjoy!

• Various sewage tracking, fixing, screening, monitoring measures via boosted city and county funding. 

Shouldn’t this already be in place? Baltimore City has been paying millions in fines over the past ten+ years due to failing sewage infrastructure (as reported at length by CP a few years ago), for which roughly a billion dollars was apparently earmarked over the span of several years, over ten years ago. I guess we forgot about that, or something.

• Create a “HarborStat” to track cleanup progress, and consider a flag system similar to one used on Boston’s Charles River to notify the public when bacteria levels are too high for swimming.

Ah yes, the time-honored tradition of [insert word]STAT rendered upon us by Martin O’Malley, for when you *really* need metrics to describe whatever unachievable goals you have for your district! CrimeSTAT worked so well for the city! BaySTAT works so well for the Bay! Why wouldn’t HarborSTAT work for the Harbor? Where’s StatSTAT when you need it, to make sure the [insert word]STAT programs are working at full efficiency?

• Pass bottle-deposit and bag-fee laws to curb littering. Refundable bottle deposits elsewhere have encouraged recycling, the plan says, and small fees on disposable bags have spurred shoppers to bring reusable sacks.

Why yes of course, there’s got to be some sort of legislation-based fee increase somewhere in there, right? So we’re going to possibly raise the bottle tax in Baltimore City to 5 cents to pay for schools, and then implement a bottle deposit to pay for future dips in the Inner Harbor, yes? Dear Pepsi: start putting your products into *CARTONS*. As for that ol’ chestnut the Plastic Bag Fee, good god, we’ve been over this a million times (FOR OVER THREE YEARS) and I can’t bear to type another word on the matter.

• Develop “greening” plans for all 209 city neighborhoods and communities throughout the county, encouraging residents to plant trees and “rain gardens” for soaking up storm runoff.

“Hey Baltimore County citizen, you should plant some trees and/or rain gardens in your prefab development and/or suburban property so people can swim in the Inner Harbor.” “A cleaner, greener Sandtown-Winchester!!”

• Use the city’s many vacant lots to help reduce runoff. The plan estimates that up to 30 percent of the 10,000 city-owned empty lots would be suitable for storm water control projects.

I actually like this idea. Sadly though, the city seems to cling to the notion that its enormously vast swaths of vacant lots and abandoned properties have some sort of “fair value” and refuse to just give them away to people who want to use them for anything useful like say, urban farming, and storm water control isn’t even profitable! But I suppose if this idea were packaged in a “Hey! In 10 years you’ll be able to swim in the harbor because of this vacant lot *WINK WINK*” then it would be met with thunderous applause.

Part 2: Conclusion

At the end of the day, all of these environmental measures and steps to unfuck the Inner Harbor from an unending death spiral brought on by decades of industrial abuse and the advent of suburbia are a good thing, but wrapping them in a unicorn-like fantasy of swimming and fishing right next to the USS Constellation is silly at best. If anything, I’d be much more likely to support this platform:

We’re Trying To Do What Needs To Be Done To Unfuck The Environment.

Sewage infrastructure, fining people for littering and dumping, waste/storm water management, these are all things that the government should be doing and continue to do, not so folks can swim in the harbor or catch fish in the harbor, but so future generations of Baltimoreans won’t have to look at their city and consistently frown at how disgusting it is overall. Focusing on the one aspect of the city that already receives such an enormous level of attention and resources gives the sense that “we’re all pitching in so tourists and rich people can enjoy themselves” and it’s the wrong way to go about it. Granted, I doubt the Waterfront Partnership will adopt my platform due to its use of F-bombs, but *maybe they should consider it* (and pay me for coming up with it).

….that’s it, pretty much.

photo via Waterfront Partnership, hilarious isn’t it?

Related posts:

1. A swimmable, fishable harbor: Or, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2. Southeastern District to be renamed, placed under dome
3. Update – The Struggle of Little Havana

So there I was, drunkenly surfing Youtube for some Mr. Ray’s Hair weave commercials when I stumble upon a gem of gems, a commercial for B 104 and their morning show, during which they’re *really excited* about giving away $10,000 to one lucky birthday winner! Recognize the guy in the middle sporting the Orioles jacket?

Yes? No? Whatever, it’s Glenn Beck. Yes, that Glenn Beck. Mr. 9/12, restore America blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhh something conservative Glenn Beck. My brain exploded upon watching this video, not because of the strange idea that Glenn Beck was at one point a schlocky DJ on a Baltimore radio station, but because his mannerisms in this commercial – his animated, almost cartoonish on camera antics – are something of a microcosm of his schtick all throughout his role on cable news, just with conservative nutjob weirdo banter applied instead of morning radio nutjob weirdo banter (no offense to you current Glenn Beck fans!). Oddly enough, I was pretty young when this commercial ran but I distinctly remember it, but never in a million years would I have made the connection until seeing this Youtube vid. Thanks, Youtube vid!

Tip of the hat to @dennisthecynic for this quip:

@citythatbreeds Giving away money? Modern Beck would dismiss old Beck as a socialist and racist for liking a black and orange bird.

November 3, 2011 8:46 pm via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@dennisthecynic

Dennis McIver

No related posts.

The MVA and the City of Baltimore Parking Authority are probably the worst entities in existence. I have always known this, but I had up until now not fully understood their villainy.

Ok, let me start from the beginning. I, like many Baltimore residents, have accumulated many parking tickets. It’s not a surprise. It also shouldn’t surprise you that I often let them go past due (I know, I’m a role model and totally deserve an advice column). Well, here’s what no one told me. When you go past due, you not only have to pay your tickets and exorbitant late fees, you also have to pay the MVA! Why the MVA deserves money for my lateness in paying my parking ticket is fucking beyond me. But there it is, $30 per late ticket. But whatever, so far nothing is that outrageous.

So, knowing my registration was expiring soon, I paid off all my MVA flags. And yet, my registration was still being blocked online. Apparently I still had one outstanding parking ticket. I don’t know if it blew off my car or what, but there was an extra $120 including late fees. Fuck. Well, I paid it. Here’s where things start making me angry. There is a big banner on the City’s parking ticket website that says the following:

Now, to any normal human being, that means that the city will take care of notifying the MVA that the tickets have been paid so they can release my registration renewal. Right? That’s what it means by “All requests will be mailed within 2 to 3 business days.”

NOPE!

There is a secret rule that states that if you pay your tickets within the same month of your registration renewal, you must go in person to physically pick up your piece of paper that says you have paid. You know how I found this out? I waited the requisite amount of time until the MVA surely would have gotten this form, but they hadn’t. So I called MVA to see what the hold up was. THAT is how I found out about the unadvertised – and therefore secret – rule that fucked me over. When I informed them this particular rule wasn’t on the website and asked how I was supposed to know about this, you know what she said to me?

"Well, I just told you, sir."

EXCUSE ME?! What the actual fuck. I timed this out perfectly so that the MVA would be notified and that I could renew my registration today, the day my registration expires. Now I’m fucked. Will they fax me the form or email it to me? Nope. I have to take off of work to drive back into the city to get this god damned piece of paper. And will the MVA accept a fax of the form? Nope! I have to physically take it to the MVA.

Are you kidding me? With your secret rules and your refusal to communicate, are you just trying to fuck me over and let the terrorists win? Why won’t these two entities communicate with each other?! Why can’t my fines all be in one place? It is the year 2011. We have cell phones that can do amazing things. We are on the brink of space tourism. I can take a picture on my phone and instantly send it to a friend halfway around the world. But apparently the Parking Authority and the MVA are so ass backwards that I have take my time to hand carry a piece of paper from one building to another. Is this a joke? Is their carrier pigeon sick?

Let’s recap:

Pay fines on Baltimore City’s website
Find out MVA thinks it deserves money due to my beef with the City of Baltimore
Pay fines to MVA
Pay more fines to City of Baltimore
Find out there’s a secret rule designed to infuriate people
Take precious vacation time to leave work
Pick up a piece of paper from Parking Authority
Bring it to MVA like some kind pack mule
Get my registration?
And Probably somewhere in there I’ll also get a ticket for having expired tags.

So here’s my advice to you, MVA & Parking authority: Eat a dick and stop jerking me around.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?

UPDATE:

Thank you to Meghan for pointing out the difference between DOT and the Parking Authority. Apologies to the Parking Authority, but i don’t know how to edit the title of the post.

NOW, back to my rant:

So I took the morning off of work to resolve this issue and minimize the risk of being ticketed for having expired tags, thus prolonging this shit EVEN MORE. I got to the City Municipal office bright and early and was 4th in line. When got to the front desk, I tried to be as pleasant as possible.

“Good Morning, I’m looking for form…”
“TAG NUMBER.”

Um, Ok. I gave her my tag number and she walked away without a word. Well, not a word to me. I did her her jovially talking to a her co-worker about Words with Friends. She came back a few minutes later and gave me my form.

I then drove my form to the MVA where I saw a fun sign:

“Why wait in line, go ONLINE.” Twitch It was like salt in the fucking wound.

When I get to the information desk I hand over my license so the VERY old man can tell me my waiting number and in which section I should be waiting. And guess what!

I HAD NO FLAGS ON MY RECORD!

Apparently DOT did indeed send my form over to the MVA and i wasted my fucking morning on a wild goose chase. I did not need to go to the municipal office, and I didn’t even have to go to the MVA. With my flags gone, I could have done the whole thing online. FUCK.

Anyway, so ends my saga. I’m ready for the week to be over. I hope you got a little amusement out of this. If I weren’t able to laugh about it a little, well, let’s just say I may have been on the news tonight.

No related posts.

Actual Kitchen Nightmares intro graphic for Cafe Hon

In case you hadn’t heard yet, the Baltimore Sun made a lil’ announcement that chef Gordon Ramsay’s show about restaurants that suck trying to get some tough love in an effort to save them from the brink of disaster – lovingly known as Kitchen Nightmares – will be or already has filmed an episode in Baltimore, featuring everyone’s favorite restauranteur Denise Whiting and Cafe Hon.

I won’t even bother hyperlinking to other articles about the road leading to this situation, we all know why this is happening*. As The Sun suggests it’s probably not mediocre-to-disgusting food or a kitchen full of purestrain gross endangering Cafe Hon, it’s the ownership’s seemingly unflinching ability to screw up her public image and by extension the restaurant’s business. But how on Earth is Kitchen Nightmares going to adequately explain this, or even deal with the problem? How can a show about gross restaurants make anyone outside of Baltimore understand (or care, rather) that placing a copyright on a colloquial term that has existed for generations prior is bad for business – and has this *ever* happened anywhere else? Doesn’t necessarily strike me as great TV and it’s certainly not going to cause anyone living in Hampden or surrounding areas to turn sympathetic; appearing on a hit TV show and asking Gordon Ramsay how to mend relations with a community that loathes the establishment, rather than like, approaching the community yourself and trying to mend relations.

I don’t want to suggest that the nail is in the coffin for Cafe Hon, but I would suggest that Cafe Hon as a “thing” should probably GTFO Hampden – the bridges have been burned to a crisp. Whiting is a competent – if not relentless – marketer, and as a “thing” Cafe Hon could be an interesting and/or successful addition to say, Harborplace, where tourists can buy all the kitschy crap that Cafe Hon and Hontown or whatever that gift shop is called sells, and residents can continue to complain about how touristy Harborplace has gotten over the past decade plus or so. If not Harborplace, then hell, why not BWI? Cafe Hon could sell *oodles* of fake-Baltimore culture to folks coming through via international destinations, make a jillion dollars in the process, and never have to worry about irritated citizens shitting all over her business.

Failing all of this, just don’t try to enforce that copyright. Ever again. Just don’t. If I were Gordon Ramsay I’d be saying it in that bellowing British fashion that he loves so very much, spittling all over the place and flailing my arms. If Cafe Hon is to stay in Hampden, just keep your head low, shut up, and keep selling pies or meatloaf or whatever it is you sell.

But that’s just me. What say you?

*Honfest, copyright of the term Hon, endorsing Wal-Mart’s development in Remington, being a general snot

Related posts:

1. John Waters: Still ahead of the curve
2. The HONtroversy Zeta – the ultimater flame war

***EDIT: As with all things bar-news related, rumors can turn out false. Apparently the rumor about Mike McDonald and/or Red Brick isn’t all that true, I’m looking into it. A thousand apologies!***

Word came down the line recently that the really super neato looking – but horribly abandoned – Pabst Brewing Co. building at the ass end of S Charles St. has been getting a bit of a cleaning lately, a rehab if you will, because the fine folks of White Marsh’s Red Brick Station – notably Brew Master Mike McDonald – have intentions of opening a brew pub there. Whether or not it’ll be a Red Brick South or something similar remains to be seen SOMEONE, WHO KNOWS, may be opening a brew pub in the building in the uncertain future. One thing’s for certain: that building is massive, and will require a lot of work to get it up to “modern standards.” Beyond that, a lot of warm bodies will be needed to fill those seats on a regular basis in order to keep it up and running.

Fortunately, not only is there a rather large apartment complex right next door and the Institute for the Blind, but another apartment/condo/whatever complex has broken ground for development directly across the street, with plans to include 193 residential units and a parking garage for 280.

This is pretty great news all over – though 183 apartments not so much in my opinion – as the site being developed has been a blighted mess for umpteen year over years. The parking garage is absolutely clutch for an area that is screaming for a parking solution, whether it be for residents or weekend warriors looking for a place to park without getting $120 tickets for setting up in a residential area. Then again, the parking garage may not be open for such things, so I guess we’ll have to wait and find out when the time is right. And hey, if the brewpub ends up being enough of a draw to get folks to come to the ass end of S Charles St., then it’s a win-win for everyone.

What say you dear readers?

No related posts.

What with HON™Fest spreading out its festering wings tomorrow through Sunday and all the flubbub going on with Denise™ Whiting’s™ latest antics, I started noticing folks electronically distributing USA Today’s “recent” interview with John Waters and his apparent swearing off on the word “Hon™” and Hon™ culture in general:

“To me, it’s used up,” Waters said of Hon™ style. “It’s condescending now. The people that celebrate it are not from it. I feel that in some weird way they’re looking slightly down on it. I only celebrate something I can look up to.”

“I remember this article” I quipped, “I remember it well.” Because it was posted on my birthday, three years ago. “Heh, everyone is distributing this three year old article,” I quipped, “I bet they don’t even know it’s three years old.” I kept quipping for a few more minutes as the article was shared over and over in my Facebook feed, like a boss.

Eventually everyone figured out it was three years old, and came to the collective revelation that they should have written off Something-Fest a long time ago just as John Waters did. Such an innovator that John Waters! Personally, the last time I attended Something-Fest a few years ago I remember seeing a booth for Gutter Guards and/or State Farm Insurance and quipped, “Something-Fest sucks, I’m outta here.” And I totally left. Dropping my funnel cake on the ground, I sashayed down Falls Road all the way to Penn Station, and jumped in front of a train (like a boss). Happy weekend to you all, Baltimore!

Related posts:

1. HONtroversy chapter 985767: Kitchen Nightmares edition
2. The HONtroversy Zeta – the ultimater flame war