The return of “I don’t know, I guess this could work, maybe?”

Roughly a year ago, The City That Breeds was lucky enough to have recruited this guy SpaceManAndy, a NASA employee with a knack for giving advice, to begin writing a weekly advice column in order to deal with the issues of our day in a style unrivaled by 20 Dr. Phils duct taped together. His […]

Angry Mike’s X reasons why suing someone sucks a fat one

Primer: Angry Mike, a former Pigtown resident, purchased a “rehabbed” house from a man who, as it turns out, is something of a slumlord and didn’t exactly perform a wonderful job fixing the house. It was riddled with termites unbeknownst to the resident, among other things. A lawsuit ensued (see what I did there) and […]

SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Nick in Brazil

PLEASE READ AND RESPOND TO MY CRY !!!

Dear beloved one…

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone
will die someday. My name is Nick Benson, a merchant in Brazil. I have been
diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment,
and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

Dear Nick,

First of all, I must say I am flattered. You must have read my column all the way from Brazil and decided that I am far more trustworthy. If you do not trust your own family, I take it as high praise that simply from reading my advice once a week, you find me to be trustworthy. I also have to assume that you don’t read my advice very carefully as I don’t have a firm grasp on the concept of morals. Unless by “Moral” you mean “beer.”

SpaceManAndy’s Advice for So I Fuck Republicans Now?

Dear SpaceManAndy,

There is a guy I know and seriously hate. I’m talking a deep, seething
hatred. He’s a douche, he’s misogynistic, he’s a Yankees fan, and he’s a
Republican. No, it’s not Glenn Beck( Ewww).

I see his face and I want to punch the ever-loving hell out of him.
Unfortunately, I also am extremely attracted to him and would like to have
have blind fury hate sex with him. How do I make this happen, and how do I
refrain from punching him in the face repeatedly during the grudge fuck?

Thanks,

-So I fuck Republicans now? in Baltimore.

Dear So I Fuck,

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with blind fury hate sex. Millions of married couples do it every year. […]

SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Spelunked in Baltimore

Dear SpaceManAndy,
A few friends and I are planning on doing some urban exploring in a few
days. With that said, could you possibly give me some advice about breaking &
entering abandoned buildings,
running from the law & the proper way to stab a bum?

Thanks,
Spelunked in Baltimore
(not the urban dict. meaning)

Dear Spelunked,

Please read the following in the voice of the narrator from those old Goofy cartoons:

Urban Exploration, that time honored tradition of investigating and photographing those places that have been forgotten by time (but not crackheads). Urban Exploration can be fun and safe as long as you follow these simple dos and don’ts.

SpaceManAndy’s Advice for It’s Not Me

Except not.

Dear SpaceManAndy,

I have a problem — I am too desirable.

I realize this doesn’t sound like a problem. I mean, who wouldn’t want
girls and guys throwing themselves at you, demanding your attention,
and wanting your mouth on their body. But you see, the problem is,
sometimes you get attention from someone you’re not interested in.
Someone who is just undeserving of all of the awesome that you have to
offer. This is what I am currently struggling with.

There’s this person who will just not leave me alone, or take no for
an answer. They’re constantly texting, Facebooking, and Tweeting at me
to hang out and be their bffl. Andy, I do not want to be their bffl,
their bff, their bf, or their f. I just want them to leave me alone.

The last time I tried to hang out with them and give them a chance,
the whole evening was very awkward, and ended with them trying
multiple times to put their mouth on mine. I’m all for casual hookups
and mouth on mouth interactions, but they just don’t do it for me. Too
pushy and awkward. I almost pulled a neck muscle trying to dodge their
many advances.

So what do I do, Dr. SpaceMan? Drop some knowledge on me.

xoxo,
It’s Not Me, It’s You

Dear It’s Not Me,

It is you…