Dear SpaceManAndy,
A few friends and I are planning on doing some urban exploring in a few
days. With that said, could you possibly give me some advice about breaking &
entering abandoned buildings,
running from the law & the proper way to stab a bum?

Thanks,
Spelunked in Baltimore
(not the urban dict. meaning)

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Dear SpaceManAndy,

I have a problem — I am too desirable.

I realize this doesn’t sound like a problem. I mean, who wouldn’t want
girls and guys throwing themselves at you, demanding your attention,
and wanting your mouth on their body. But you see, the problem is,
sometimes you get attention from someone you’re not interested in.
Someone who is just undeserving of all of the awesome that you have to
offer. This is what I am currently struggling with.

There’s this person who will just not leave me alone, or take no for
an answer. They’re constantly texting, Facebooking, and Tweeting at me
to hang out and be their bffl. Andy, I do not want to be their bffl,
their bff, their bf, or their f. I just want them to leave me alone.

The last time I tried to hang out with them and give them a chance,
the whole evening was very awkward, and ended with them trying
multiple times to put their mouth on mine. I’m all for casual hookups
and mouth on mouth interactions, but they just don’t do it for me. Too
pushy and awkward. I almost pulled a neck muscle trying to dodge their
many advances.

So what do I do, Dr. SpaceMan? Drop some knowledge on me.

xoxo,
It’s Not Me, It’s You

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Dear SpaceManAndy,

We’ve all seen movies about Zombie Apocalypses that take place in rural
America and in New York and LA but what about us schmucks here in Baltimore?
Do you have any advice for those of us hoping to survive the coming Horror in
B-more?

Sincerely,
TheBigBiteOnBrains in B-more

Dear BigBite,

So, you want to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse? Congratulations, asking me for advice is the first step!

You are right to be concerned about this. Baltimore is prime ground zero for the upcoming Zombie apocalypse. We’re close to DC, but not that close. Look how many government and military bases we have around, and those are just the ones that are known to the public! Us schmucks are in for a tough time. But following my advice can save your sorry ass.

Before the outbreak, it’s all about planning. Think about who you want in your crew. It’s important to have a crew with skills. Don’t get emotional here. Is your girlfriend good in bed, but awful at weaponry? Leave her. She’s just going to be dead weight. You’re not going to have time for any sexy time during the zombie apocalypse (and usually if you do have sex, you die, everyone knows that horror movie rule). And have you ever seen a zombie movie? One of your loved ones will ALWAYS get turned and you will have to kill them and it will mess you up. Then you’ll be dead weight and useless to your crew. Best to bring friends or even better, acquaintances. Make sure these people know that they’re in your crew so they can start stocking up on weaponry.

Do you have your crew in mind yet? Good. Now you need to pick a meeting spot. This place needs to be secure, and have provisions. You don’t need a lot of provisions, you won’t be staying here for too long. Many bars in Baltimore have upstairs storage areas. These are great places for meeting. This meeting place is for planning your next step. Zombies vary from movie to movie, we have no idea what real zombies will be like. Are they slow like Night of the Living Dead? Are they fast like in 28 days later? Can they think and make traps like in I am Legend? Different zombies require different plans. Be thinking about plans accordingly.

So now it’s the Zombie Apocalypse. DO NOT be that idiot that sees a zombie and stammers in disbelief until it starts munching on your head. Believe it, and set your plan into motion. Go to your meeting spot. Cell phones probably won’t work, so just go and wait for your crew. Most of your friends will probably be dead, so don’t wait too long.

Now that your crew has gathered and you’ve figured out what kind of zombies you’re dealing with, you can move on to a more permanent location. DO NOT stay in downtown Baltimore; too many people to attract the zombies. You may think you’re smart and want to go down to the harbor and take a boat out to sea. This is not a good idea. Everyone else will have the same idea. You could get trampled, or killed by another human that wants your spot on a boat. Also, consider this, what if someone on your boat has been concealing a bite? Then you’re out on the water with no escape with a zombie. Not so smart now, are you?

The best thing to do is find a suburb that has a town center. It will be less populated but the buildings will be close together. Clear out a few buildings with your crew. Once these buildings are secure make rope bridges from the second story windows and ladders. Once that’s done, destroy all staircases. Now the zombies can’t get up to your safe haven! Now you can relax a bit, but not too much.

Contrary to many zombie movies, I have to believe that zombies cannot last very long after the outbreak. They’re dead meat, and they rot. Rotting meat falls apart. Also, what stops wild animals from eating humans? Our intelligence and weapons. Zombies don’t have either of those. The animal population will help you here. Kinda like how the animals help Cinderella and snow white, but in a much more viscous and deadly way. Hang out in your second floor New Eden until the zombie population thins, then you can go get a big black trench coat and go about rebuilding your post-apocalyptic life (seriously, why is it that everyone goes goth after the apocalypse in every movie ever?).

Ta Da! Now you’ve survived the Zombie Apocalypse.

Unless the zombies are smart. Then you’re pretty much fucked.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?

SpaceManAndy

Dear SpaceManAndy,

I am a pedant who believes that only a drink consisting of gin and
vermouth (and possibly bitters) should ever be called a Martini. I
also believe that such a drink should always be stirred, never shaken.
In this world dominated by Grey Goose and James Bond, will I ever find
true love? Or at least a blowjob?

Signed,

Cocktail Nerd in Oakland

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This week’s question receives a gift certificate to Harborque! Keep those questions coming to advice@citythatbreeds.com!

Dear Spaceman Andy,

What is the most polite way to tell someone they cannot spend the night over after sex without having to say “Get your clothes on and get the f**k out – but untie me first?”

Thanks,

Ms. Hit-It-And-Quit-It in Baltimore

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