Cheez It Snack Mix is pretty much my favorite. It has Cheez Its, which are great, and pretzels, which are also great, and those dumb little puff ball crunchy things and cheese dust covered Life Cereal pieces. All pretty great. But I was brainlessly staring at the rear of this particular box of Snack Mix I acquired for the bargain basement price of $2.50 at Shopper’s Food Warehouse the other day and suddenly I had an aneurysm. What the fuck is the point of this thing on the back?
At first glance it’s a list of potential Cheez It flavors. Except, almost all of them are already Cheez It flavors. ARE THESE CHEESES READY? Check yes or no. But…. why. Ready for what? School? Skydiving? Ready to be a Cheez It? When I fill out the form, where to I mail it to? Do I fold up the box and mail it to Cheez It, Inc.? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF THIS. Worse yet all of these flavors of cheese crackers has been somehow anthropomorphisized to have personality traits and ….costumes.
Original – Liked everything you like ‘before it was cool’
So this is like the Hipster Cheez It? Or is it just a condescending dick? How could a wheel of cheese like anything at all before I did?
White Cheddar – Perpetually ‘has a theory’
Why does this block of cheese have glasses on? Is it Nerd Cheese™? It “has a theory” – WHAT THEORY? Why is White Cheddar, of all the Cheeses, the “Brainy Cheese?”
Hot and Spicy – Posts selfies from the back of his limo
This block of cheese is on fire, and is clearly the wealthiest of the cheeses because it rides around in a limo. It is also a narcissist, because it’s hot and spicy? I CAN’T WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND THIS.
Grooves – Signs free autographs – on everything I own
So now the descriptions abruptly switch from 2nd to 1st person, as if the writer is being followed around by these zany blocks of cheese doing things. For some reason Grooves Cheese really likes baseball and wants everyone to know that it is Grooves Cheese by wearing a hat that says ‘Grooves’ on it. Genius. It also has the capability of signing autographs, perpetually torturing the author of the clipboard questionnaire by writing on his or her things. It sounds like a personal hell.
Baby Swiss – Permanent resident of the time out chair
See, it’s Baby Swiss. So it’s a baby. It has a pacifier. And it needs a time out. Get it?
Mozzarella – Hacks my dating profile and says I’m ‘A recovering rodeo clown’
What the actual fuck. This cheese has eyelashes and earrings (it’s a lady!) AND IS SITTING ON A WHOOPEE CUSHION. IT’S THE PRANKSTER CHEESE! GOT YOU GOOD FUCKER, SITTING ON MY OWN WHOOPEE CUSHION AND HACKING YOUR DATING PROFILE! BAZING! THIS SAUCY LADY CHEESE SURE IS HILARIOUS! WHY IS IT SITTING ON A GODDAMN WHOOPEE CUSHION?! Also as a former rodeo clown myself, I find this offensive.