The sufferings of the Holiday season is upon us, and I am in desperate need of a deep freeze. The only way I can bypass the inevitable annoyances lurking around that festive corner is by introducing my body to a temperature induced suspended animation, and enter into a cryogenic sleep.
Fortunately, the demands of my day job as a Talent Director at a Czechoslovakian Brothel (shout out to my girls Svetlana and Hedvika) have been keeping me distracted from the jingles and the bells.
But alas my dear Watson, I am one silent night and holy night, away from losing my sanity and going FULL Ferguson.
To add bumps to the rash, how can we be Merry when Heathcliff Huxtable, the patriarch of the American Family, is being accused of allegedly exposing his Jello pudding pop to 4,917 women?
Due to Mr. Huxtable having an insatiable appetite to zerbert ugly white women, all future Holidays will now forever be altered.
The traditional Annual Ugly Cosby Sweater themed events will now be known as The Cosby Orange Jumpsuit events.
Anyway, let’s bypass the foreplay and go straight for the backseat quickie, as I thrust upon you THE 10 THINGS THAT WE HATE during this Celebration of Lightsmare!
It really should be called Shitmas, due to all the crap we have to take. (See what I did there?)
1) Kitchen Nightmares
This is the time of year when everyone suddenly thinks they are the Next Food Network Star.
Listen, I understand that you added $1.27 worth of Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage into that box of store-brand stuffing mix, but that does NOT make it “home-made”, nor does it make it edible. For that reason, you are Chopped. Please pack your knives, and jump on it.
But we cannot offend the host, can we? So we eat up. Yum. Gag. Yum. Shart. Poop.
This is known as the Porn Star Syndrome, where you have to swallow it and act like you like it.
2) Stuck and Suffering
Enjoying that holiday party as much as you enjoy anal leakage? Don’t know anyone here? Feeling more out of place than a lesbian at The Republican National Convention?
With the Holidays, we are certain to find ourselves present at some party or event where we want to slit our wrists, or dropkick everyone in sight.
Then comes the reasons to depart early. I always enjoy hearing the “reasons” that are being spewed when people “have” to leave.
Heck, the ONLY reason you are even at this shindig is because the person who bought you along is someone that you want to perform scenes from 50 Shades of Grey with.
It’s all about the Ben Wa balls.
3) You shouldn’t have! No. Really, you should NOT have.
The saying “It’s not what you get, but what you give” is only true if pertaining to acts of a sexual nature.
I can assure you that since the evolution of the movable thumb, no homo sapien has ever squealed in delight at the sight of a 3-pack of Hanes T-shirts.
And we all have that one friend, or relative, that you KNOW is giving you something that sucks ass.
4) BUMPER to BUMPER
When it takes me 68 minutes just to enter the parking lot, 81 minutes to find a parking space, and another 39 minutes to exchange Geico Insurance Information because some spaghetti stained sweatshirt wearing housewife backed into me with her Prius, then Houston, we have a problem.
The only time I want to be bumper to bumper is when I am buttcheek to buttcheek in an Eyes Wide Shut orgy.
I never knew Stanley Kubrick made porno movies, but I actually quite enjoyed this pleasurable film.
All Tom Cruise did the entire movie was watch medieval group sex taking place on a Cherrywood Dining room table.
Excellent stuff. Two thumbs up.
5) MOVE! Get out da WAY!
Look, I understand a great sale. I, myself, have been known to head-butt small children to get that Hamilton Beach Pancake Grill for $10.
Seriously though, The Running Of The Bulls is not taking place at JC Penny, so there is no need for you to stampede through the aisles, hurdle over short people, and belly flop onto a display case.
And there is certainly no need for employees at Target to be attacked by Extras from the Walking Dead.
NOW, a Walmart employee… is okay to abuse. In fact, I don’t even think Walmart employs humans. I think they only hire creatures from Star Wars.
Except for my Ex-girlfriend, I do not know of anyone who enjoys being in close proximity with dozens of men who are grabbing, groping, pushing, pressing, and poking you.
Ashley, I still love you…even if you had more men enter you than a doorway.
For a time that encourages peace, harmony and togetherness, the Holidays are filled with tension, turmoil, and domestic violence.
Dinner gatherings create more drama within a family, than twin brothers dating their same sister in West Virginia.
Personalities clash, opinions are forced, and grandchildren crouch in the corners crying, just because your aunt and gay brother disagree with where to place the green bean casserole on the table.
It’s a moot point anyway, because after the hair pulling and eye gouges, the green beans ends up on the floor. And on the TV. And in our hairs. And on the crying grandchildren. And on the pet gerbils.
7) Dollar Dollar Bill Yaw
I’m a charitable dude, but I’m also realistic.
There was a time when I would always drop a dollar bill into those Red Salvation Army buckets, but that stopped when I saw the bell-ringing dude at a local Strip Club stuffing bills into some apple bottom jeans.
Now when I see those crimson pails, I get more suspicious than a jealous woman hearing her boyfriend’s phone beep.
At least with the Raggedy Ann Man wobbling along the intersection holding his corrugated cardboard sign, I know that my “donation” is going to buy a fifth of Smirnoff for his drunk ass. I’m cool widdat. Drink up my friend. Stay thirsty.
Just remember that unless it is Will Ferrell holding a cowbell, do not trust a one-person bandmember.
8) All in the Family
Just like every bundle of sweet grapes has a severely bruised one, every family has a Sandusky.
No one will get offended if you want Uncle Julio to walk through a metal detector before entering your home. At the very least, check the Sex Offender Registry.
This also applies to those outside your bloodlines.
Those Holiday Invites you get from the potentially polygamous, creepy as all hell neighbors, living down the street in a house with the windows all spray painted black?
Six letters. NO RSVP
9) Best Display of Fake Affection goes to…
Our daily lives of human contact is a buffet, where we gravitate towards people we enjoy the most, while steering clear of the people we know will make us ill.
This time of year however, will inevitably bring you face to face with that rancid human side dish you’ve been skipping over all year.
Instead of pushing them to the side of our social plate, we will let them linger in front of us, poking them with our attention, and nibbling a bit of dialogue as we proceed to exchange fake pleasantries and forced smiles.
10) SAMPOH CHICKEN!
Bobbing and weaving around Asians attempting to thrust toothpicks of teriyaki chicken into my eyeball at the Food Court is a normal occurrence, but the Holidays bring out a full-on forward attack of charging Asians not seen since the likes of Pearl Harbor!
Armed with Styrofoam plates of wood-stabbed poultry, these aggressive Far Eastern Ninjas are magnets, zeroing in on us like Zimmerman on Trayvon.
Do not let these meek, apron-wearing, black haired humans fool you, as they will SPRING out of nowhere, impeding your forward progress with their rallying war cry “SAMPOH CHICKEN?!!” “SAMPOH CHICKEN!!!”
Jerry Springer Final Thoughts
Holidays are intended to celebrate or commemorate an event or tradition of cultural or religious significance.
Unfortunately, the iPhone and Facebook have ripped apart everything pure in the world, leaving us devoid of that “feeling”.
I mean, the last time I celebrated a tradition was when I completely shaved my pubic hairs to commemorate the trend of manscaping. (That’s another blog by the way.)
Let me help reinstate that Thomas Kinkade image of Christmas back in your mind, as I offer you the well known Angelou quote “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
This is especially resonant during this time of year when our feelings can be at our most vulnerable.
We also tend to make rash decisions that we regret later.
Looking back, I know I’ve received fantastic gifts, eaten fabulous food, and shared great company. But as the years pass and my cats get fatter, I find it more difficult to remember what those gifts were, what those great meals consisted of, and even some of the faces of the people I shared them with.
Memories of events will inevitably fade, but what remains a clear constant is the way we felt during times off heightened elation, and deafening sorrows.
Those feelings, reaching the extremes of our emotional spectrum, will stay with us.
When something touches us deeply, whether positively OR negatively, the emotions of those experiences, pierces and penetrates our psyche.
Those experiences never leave us. Ever.
They may lay dormant, but like Star Wars, the force of those feelings will be awakened when you least expect it.
Remember that time when your girlfriend emotionally exploded on you? Shifting from idle into full crazy mode?
And all you did was ask her to pass the ketchup.
Well, her abrupt meltdown was not initiated because of your need for some tomato puree. Rather her psychotic outburst was the result of you telling her you did not like the jeans she had on 17 months ago.
The somber truth is that people are loving in their intentions, but careless in their words and behavior. Some people will argue that there are times when we cannot control our behavior, but I disagree.
We can always control our actions and reactions.
In fact, the only person who cannot control their behavior is Michael J Fox. That man can’t help it if he is breakdancing while sitting down.
Words are the same way. Words may be intangible, but they certainly leave a very real mark.
There are no gift receipts available, and you can never take back what has been said.
So this Holiday season, let’s all taste our words first before we spit them out.
Have a Happy Holiday yaw!
~ Wham Bam TY Tam
[Legal Disclaimer: The use of the word ‘Holiday’ in this blog can also be interchanged with Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, or any other messed up tradition or celebration that you and your inbred, political, super-sensitive family celebrate, observe, tolerate, or completely disregard. ]