Why Did I Do This to Myself: Burger King’s Xtra Long BBQ Cheeseburger

god dammit
god dammit

It can be said that in life, there are times, deep dark times – in which you’re completely out of ideas when it comes to what to eat for lunch. For better or worse, even though you want a salad because it’s the responsible thing to do or you just enjoy the texture of baby corn, sometimes you’re ten feet away from the entrance to the Eastern Avenue / Chester St. Burger King, and you’re out of ideas. And you have a coupon for Burger King’s relatively new XTRA LONG BBQ CHEESEBURGER. And so you drop roughly $1.50 on a very long cheeseburger and unwrap it for photography purposes.

Ah yes, the fast food novelty. An item that really has no business existing, whether it’s an Angry Whopper©, Chicken Fries©, Burger Buddies©, or a sandwich that is very clearly assembled after ten minutes of boardroom chatter using pre existing products lying around on the floor. Hence, the XTRA Long BBQ Cheeseburger. The creative process for creating said XTRA long cheeseburger went something like this:

Cue discussion at BK World Headquarters

“Hey we need a new product.”
“What, you mean like something entirely new? We’ve been workshopping these cheese slushies and these skateboard shaped chicken nuggets.”
“NO. No time for that. Use components of pre existing menu items and randomize them with that manatee ball vat over there and get marketing.”

Hence, we have two cheeseburgers on a Classic Chicken Sandwich roll with four onion rings and some rootin’ tootin’ BBQ Sauce. It should be noted that the one corner of the one piece of cheese in the above photo slowly began drooping from its upright position during photography, which I couldn’t stop laughing at.

And so I ate. With barely melted American Cheesefood Product© melding with 99.1% HFCS Tangy© BBQ sauce together to form a very sweet battery acid, soaking into the crunchy batter of the Onionmealfood Ring© I found myself repeating internally, “Now THAT’S TANGY!!” The Meat Pattypucks© featuring Flame Broiled Tech 2.0© were barely noticeable over the tang, though I think somewhere in there I detected some of the liquid smoke lines applied to the reconstituted drywall masquerading as All Beef Pattyfood© and finished the Rootin’ Tootin’ affair rather quickly. And quickly lapsed into a coma, due to the following:

(percent daily value figures are based on a 2,000 calorie diet)

And so forth. Yes, the XTRA LONG BBQ Cheeseburger certainly packs a punch you guys, mostly to your gall bladder. ORDER UP!!!

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