Picking Baby Names Is Hard

Dear City That Breeds Family,

It’s your friendly, neighborhood, self-appointed Bishop. Big news! My wife and I just had our fifth kid.

Yes, I said “fifth.”


So I have five kids? They are all awesome, and my family is awesome, and right now I can field a basketball team, and when the zombie apocalypse comes I will have five minions who will do my bidding and help me take all your shit.

CTB Names 1





So if you think five is too many than you can suck it.


Okay. I’m calming down. Let’s all just take a second to breath.

As I was saying, I have five kids and they are all awesome. One of the hardest things about having a kid is choosing the name. I know this may sound like a small task, but it is not. Names are important.

Let’s pretend I’m going to set you up on a blind date with a dude. Close your eyes. His name is Sheldon. Picture him. Wait, wait. His name is actually Titan the Hammer. Now picture him. Different picture, right?

Names are important.

Over the course of five children, my wife and I have worked out a system for selecting the perfect name: I suggest. She vetoes. She suggests. I veto. I suggest. She considers. She vetoes. She suggests. I consider. Name is chosen. It’s a good system.

Now I shall share with you some of our conversations that have taken place over the years:

  • Me: I’ve got it. Perfect boy name. Zion.
  • Wife: Veto.
  • Me: Why?
  • Wife: Because you are not cool enough to pull that off.
  • Me: True.


Action Jackson

  • Wife: Here we go. Boy name. Jackson.
  • Me: Oooh. Like Action Jackson? I like it.
  • Wife: No. Because it’s a strong name and we can call him Jack. Who’s Action Jackson?
  • Me: Don’t worry about it. I like Jackson. Let’s go with it.

(This is how we got the first child’s name)

  • Wife: I’ve got one for a girl.
  • Me: Let’s hear it.
  • Wife: Maisie Caroline.
  • Me: Oooh. I like it. We can call her MC.
  • Wife: Wait. What? Veto.
  • Me: Why?
  • Wife: Because you are going to carry her around the house singing “Can’t Touch This.”
  • Me: (rapping badly) My, my, my music hits me so hard. Makes me say, “Oh my Lord.” Thank you for blessing me…
  • Wife: (interrupting) Vetoed! Vetoed! Vetoed!


  • Me: Name for a boy. Tucker.
  • Wife: No. Veto.
  • Me: Why?
  • Wife: Because you will always try to say it in a stupid New York-Mafia accent.
  • Me: (In a stupid New York-Mafia accent) Tuckah. Tuckah.


  • Wife: (while watching X-Men 2 with me on the couch) I like Logan.
  • Me: Seriously? We can name a kid after Wolverine?
  • Wife: Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. Absolutely.
  • Me: Deal.

(This is how we got the name of our second son.)

  • Me: I’ve got one. Xavier.
  • Wife: For a boy?
  • Me: (with confidence) For a girl.
  • Wife: Veto.


  • Me: Oh! Oh! I’ve got it. For a boy.
  • Wife: (preemptively shaking her head) Let’s hear it.
  • Me: Riggs (throws hands up in the air in victory and pretends to walk away)
  • Wife: Hmm. Where’d you get it?
  • Me: Lethal Weapon.
  • Wife: Mel Gibson?
  • Me: Pre-crazy Mel Gibson.
  • Wife: I like it.


Now City that Breeds family. Please join me in welcoming to our wonderful city, Bishop-Baby-Number-Five…

Baby Riggs!

Much Love!

The Bishop

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