The City That Breeds » Baltimore » Top 10 List Of Things That Real Baltimoreans Hate About That List Of Things That Real Baltimoreans Love

Top 10 List Of Things That Real Baltimoreans Hate About That List Of Things That Real Baltimoreans Love

BaltimoreHarbor450

Faced with a seemingly unending set of ‘lists’ vomited from the Internet informing the world what ‘real’ Baltimoreans are like, we’ve decided to put together a list our own. Hear the full conversation on the latest TBD Show at or around the 17:00 mark. @BryanLevy contributed 99% of the material here. Direct all complaints his way.

#1: 3/4 of the people that say they are from ‘Baltimore’ are from Baltimore County.

More than likely if you’re traveling about the world and you happen to run into another human from “Baltimore” you’ll ask them “Where specifically?” And they’ll answer one of five to six places: Towson, Cockeysville, Catonsville, possibly Ellicott City or uh, Essex. The chances of running into someone who is actually from within the city limits of Baltimore [City] rises exponentially the blacker they are.
baltimorecensus

#2: That Being Said, Shut The Fuck Up About The Wire!

Just shut the fuck up. Yeah dude, I saw it. Everyone saw it. You know what has no bearing on my existence? The Wire. You know why? Because I’m from Baltimore County. See what I did there?

Please, enough.

Please, enough.

#3: Now That I DO Live In The City, You Know What Continues To Have No Bearing On My Existence? The Wire.

While Baltimore is a city with institutional problems and crime problems, The Wire is based on information and anecdotes from over thirty years ago, and I’m generally over it. Seriously, they were still using payphones in Season 5 and none of the Sun reporters had cell phones. It was 2007. And by the way David Simon (huge fan), great job with romanticizing Treme and furthering this fantasy that New Orleans is some shining utopia of crawdads and jazz music (big fan though) while accurately depicting systemic, incurable issues of your own stomping grounds (please, come on our podcast).

Except you Clay. You're the coolest.

Except you Clay. You’re the coolest.

#4: Go To Hell, Old Bay

You know what was a nice treat up to a few years ago? Old Bay. You would encounter it occasionally and it would be a nice surprise and you’d go back to other flavors. Then, it was everywhere. On everything. Fries, chocolate, beer, pizza, eggs, popcorn, cotton candy, chopped salads, tuna salad, shrimp salad, IN BAGELS, roadkill, and ironically, the majority of restaurant steamed crabs DON’T EVEN USE IT. AT ANY RATE STOP PUTTING IT ON EVERYTHING. (EtM edit: except beef jerky! Mobtown Meatsnacks! Buy buy buy!)
cottoncandyoldbay

#5: Chicken Boxes (and Lake Trout) Are More Baltimore Than Crabs

Statistically speaking, with zero statistics to actually back this up, there are more than likely 10,000 times as many chicken or fish boxes being consumed RIGHT NOW than steamed crabs in Baltimore, making it the official Baltimore foodstuff. Probably with BYO-Ranch dressing. Just deal with it. Crabs are a pain in the ass to pick! And chicken boxes are easy to deal with. Crabs are bottom feeding insects. They’re bugs. Would you eat a cricket? If the answer is yes, then by all means keep eating crabs. If your answer is no, you’re a hypocrite.

Hell of a lot cheaper, too.

Hell of a lot cheaper, too.

#6: Natty Boh Has Hit Peak Saturation

In 2001, I took three cases of Natty Boh to Senior Week. I wasn’t trying to make a statement. It was cheap and that’s why we drank it, much like Genny’s Cream Ale or Schlitz. Now, Boh is to Baltimore as Lacoste was to the ’80’s. IT’S NOT EVEN ABOUT THE BEER ANYMORE. ENOUGH WITH THE BOH APPAREL. Yes, we LOVE seeing the 10000000000th photo of Boh with Crabs on Reddit you took the other day. It’s positively magical. Having said that, SHUT UP ABOUT HOW THIS SHITTY BEER ISN’T EVEN BREWED IN BALTIMORE ANYMORE. No one cares, no one cares, no one cares.
boh guy

#7: We’re The Country Cousin, We Know It, And We’re Insecure About It

We’re not as good as New York. We’re not as good as Boston. We’re not as good as Philadelphia, Chicago, and LA. We’re a middle-ish size city with a chip on our shoulder because everything around is bigger and cooler. Or so we’re told? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!! The city of Baltimore’s Napoleon complex has become absolutely insufferable.
cb

#8: We All Bleed Purp-garglegargleblargh

Without a doubt, the worst person you know owes purple camo. STOP ENCOURAGING THAT SHIT.

THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

#9: You Know What Place I Hold No Animosity Towards? Pittsburgh.

“Argh! I hate you, Failing-Blue-Collar-Industrial-City! I hate you because… I AM YOU.

Steelers Fans notwithstanding.

Steelers Fans notwithstanding.

#10: No Love For The Tribe?

They always talk about the Hons, they always mention The Wire, you know what subset of the population they never mention? The Jews. They could be like “Chances are pretty high that you went to a lot of Bar Mitzvahs in Baltimore!” There are a ton of Jews in Baltimore (County)! They wouldn’t even have to be obvious about it! And keep it funny – you know what group of people live in Baltimore a lot? The Jews! And look, Barry Levinson made a lot of movies about it and aren’t we fun and here’s the trailer for Diner. Here’s Avalon – there were Jews. Blah blah blah, corned beef row. We know. Attman’s. WHERE MY JEWS AT?

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  • Carne Cabeza

    Fuck you dude! Now I want a chicken box! And a half and half! Maybe even some pit beef!

  • BlueberryFiles

    Great list, although people are not eating crabs b/c they’re $80/doz. not b/c they’re hard to pick or are like bugs. And I say I’m from Baltimore because if I say I’m from Monkton, people up here in Maine look at me blankly. I narrow it down if the person is familiar with the area (I think this is probably a pretty universal thing for people who aren’t from major metro areas). Also saying B’more is more likely to continue the conversation (but then usually it’s about The Wire *facepalm*). And I found crab chips up here and bout had a stroke, so I’m still pretty stoked about Old Bay. ;)

    • Rig P

      Execpt Monkton isn’t even like a suburb of Baltimore…its that far out.

  • http://www.readingwritingrevolution.net/ Scott Meek

    hahahaha Love this! And now I need RoFo chicken box! Love that shit! And, no I don’t want to pick even one crab – not worth the effort.

    Meanwhile, I’m from Mississippi officially, although I’ve lived in Fells Point for 10 years. Here we look at folks who are awed by the Inner Harbor and can’t parallel park as, yeah, you guessed it, “county people”. Oh those county people! I walked to the O’s game, bro; you live in Owings Mills – I don’t wanna hear it.

  • danielle

    Love the crabs. Bought some last weekend off my favorite crab truck on Ritchie Highway and steamed them at home. Yum. No lake trout or chicken box for me. And YES, I was born in the city (northeast) and have lived here for most of my life.

  • Anita Kurek

    I wanna egg custard snowball with marshmallow in the middle!

    • Upper Fells Point

      thats BALTIMORE!

  • Neil Bergenstein

    IMSB, that I know that Pioneer Pit Beef makes Chaps look like an A-minus.

  • your “annoying” neighbor

    Who wrote this crap? Commodities suck. TV sucks. Yes, but liking things that are culturally fun and are an identity in the simplest form the best part of living in a rough town. This article is self righteous and written by someone who hates their “home”. Go back to whatever burb you came from. I’m gonna go put some old bay on my cereal and hate it now.

  • James Grill

    I’ve read a lot of top to or the best of lists for Baltimore. Some good, most of the great, but this is by far the worst. I get it. You don’t like crabs, but for the past probably 500 years, most likely more, people have been enjoying eating them. I wish I could shake the hand of the Indian who first tried them. As a chef I’ve had the luxury of trying some the best products the Oceans can provide. From sea urchin, to octopus I’ve enjoyed it all. Nothing can compare to the velvety texture of some blue crab back fin. For thirty dollars a pound it’s well worth it. It has to be hand picked to enjoyed. They also aren’t fed steroids or antibiotics like that crap you get in a chicken box, I myself enjoy fried chicken more than most people but I can’t understand your reasoning for comparing the two besides your misunderstanding of good food.

    As far as Old Bay is concerned over indulging in anything will leave a bad taste in someone’s mouth. Old bay a little more pricey than most crab seasonings isn’t used in most crab houses because they need to keep their food cost down due to the high price of crabs. However Old Bay is commonly used for steamed shrimp and is used in a lot of soups. Any person that truly loves crabs most likely uses Old Bay at home. Sure it isn’t so common to find at your local crab shack in their pot but I guarantee they have it on their shelves

    The Wire as much as you may want to dislike it which is perfectly fine was by far one of HBO’s most watched shows ever. Has a following all over the world. Which I’m extremely grateful for since I’ve ran into situations in other countries and when they found where I was from they actually eased off of me due to their Impression from The Wire.

    It’s easy to say that The Wire did nothing for the city if you don’t really know anything about the city. The fact is this The Wire and David Simon exposed primarily some of East Baltimore and it’s awful conditions. In several locations where the show was shot money was given to the community in hopes it would be put to good use. Homes were remodeled and some other refinements were made i.e street lights, new foliage, new sidewalks, etc..

    Calling Baltimore a failing Industrial city like our bitch ass cousin “Shittsburgh” was true. Sure, you can still try and make the claim that it is true, but the times are showing differently. North Avenue which I’m proud to say I used to walk on when I was 12 was something like The Wire back when I was that age. I remember when I was a little bit younger than that I would catch the lite rail to where Harbor East is now and play by the water. Now I go to sit at the end of Fell’s Point to remember what those days were like and remember how in awe I was of the ginormous building that houses the New Underarmour sign. That use to be the Tide Point sign the glowed over the harbor at night.

    I lived in New York for a couple years and now reside in Chicago until I come home to open up my business. Which won’t be long now. A lot of Baltimore’s issues are every where. New York just has more money. It’s the financial hub, Baltimore is the defense and medical hub. We’re home to some of the best medical and art schools plus we have an increasing number of IT jobs than most cities.

    I come home very often and I’m always sad if I leave and don’t get to have any crabs. However I always stop by Joe’s Squared for a pie and Liam Flynn’s for a cold one.

    I will agree with you on one thing. BOH sucks and is only good for… steaming crabs,

    • Jessica Simms

      Sure, crabs aren’t fed steroids or hormones intentionally, but have you checked out the water quality in the bay? My grandfather was a commercial crabber, and growing up we would swim in the bay. I wouldn’t do that now. Also crabs will eat literally anything organic. Including chicken necks used to catch them. Or the dead human bodies that are occasionally fished out of the harbor. Yum! Enjoy.

      • James Grill

        mmmmmm dead bodies..delicious.

  • Jamie Schott

    Dude, I just scored some purple camo at the Goodwill. Now I’m second guessing myself.