Faced with a seemingly unending set of ‘lists’ vomited from the Internet informing the world what ‘real’ Baltimoreans are like, we’ve decided to put together a list our own. Hear the full conversation on the latest TBD Show at or around the 17:00 mark. @BryanLevy contributed 99% of the material here. Direct all complaints his way.
#1: 3/4 of the people that say they are from ‘Baltimore’ are from Baltimore County.
More than likely if you’re traveling about the world and you happen to run into another human from “Baltimore” you’ll ask them “Where specifically?” And they’ll answer one of five to six places: Towson, Cockeysville, Catonsville, possibly Ellicott City or uh, Essex. The chances of running into someone who is actually from within the city limits of Baltimore [City] rises exponentially the blacker they are.
#2: That Being Said, Shut The Fuck Up About The Wire!
Just shut the fuck up. Yeah dude, I saw it. Everyone saw it. You know what has no bearing on my existence? The Wire. You know why? Because I’m from Baltimore County. See what I did there?
#3: Now That I DO Live In The City, You Know What Continues To Have No Bearing On My Existence? The Wire.
While Baltimore is a city with institutional problems and crime problems, The Wire is based on information and anecdotes from over thirty years ago, and I’m generally over it. Seriously, they were still using payphones in Season 5 and none of the Sun reporters had cell phones. It was 2007. And by the way David Simon (huge fan), great job with romanticizing Treme and furthering this fantasy that New Orleans is some shining utopia of crawdads and jazz music (big fan though) while accurately depicting systemic, incurable issues of your own stomping grounds (please, come on our podcast).
#4: Go To Hell, Old Bay
You know what was a nice treat up to a few years ago? Old Bay. You would encounter it occasionally and it would be a nice surprise and you’d go back to other flavors. Then, it was everywhere. On everything. Fries, chocolate, beer, pizza, eggs, popcorn, cotton candy, chopped salads, tuna salad, shrimp salad, IN BAGELS, roadkill, and ironically, the majority of restaurant steamed crabs DON’T EVEN USE IT. AT ANY RATE STOP PUTTING IT ON EVERYTHING. (EtM edit: except beef jerky! Mobtown Meatsnacks! Buy buy buy!)
#5: Chicken Boxes (and Lake Trout) Are More Baltimore Than Crabs
Statistically speaking, with zero statistics to actually back this up, there are more than likely 10,000 times as many chicken or fish boxes being consumed RIGHT NOW than steamed crabs in Baltimore, making it the official Baltimore foodstuff. Probably with BYO-Ranch dressing. Just deal with it. Crabs are a pain in the ass to pick! And chicken boxes are easy to deal with. Crabs are bottom feeding insects. They’re bugs. Would you eat a cricket? If the answer is yes, then by all means keep eating crabs. If your answer is no, you’re a hypocrite.
#6: Natty Boh Has Hit Peak Saturation
In 2001, I took three cases of Natty Boh to Senior Week. I wasn’t trying to make a statement. It was cheap and that’s why we drank it, much like Genny’s Cream Ale or Schlitz. Now, Boh is to Baltimore as Lacoste was to the ’80’s. IT’S NOT EVEN ABOUT THE BEER ANYMORE. ENOUGH WITH THE BOH APPAREL. Yes, we LOVE seeing the 10000000000th photo of Boh with Crabs on Reddit you took the other day. It’s positively magical. Having said that, SHUT UP ABOUT HOW THIS SHITTY BEER ISN’T EVEN BREWED IN BALTIMORE ANYMORE. No one cares, no one cares, no one cares.
#7: We’re The Country Cousin, We Know It, And We’re Insecure About It
We’re not as good as New York. We’re not as good as Boston. We’re not as good as Philadelphia, Chicago, and LA. We’re a middle-ish size city with a chip on our shoulder because everything around is bigger and cooler. Or so we’re told? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!! The city of Baltimore’s Napoleon complex has become absolutely insufferable.
#8: We All Bleed Purp-garglegargleblargh
Without a doubt, the worst person you know owes purple camo. STOP ENCOURAGING THAT SHIT.
#9: You Know What Place I Hold No Animosity Towards? Pittsburgh.
“Argh! I hate you, Failing-Blue-Collar-Industrial-City! I hate you because… I AM YOU.“
#10: No Love For The Tribe?
They always talk about the Hons, they always mention The Wire, you know what subset of the population they never mention? The Jews. They could be like “Chances are pretty high that you went to a lot of Bar Mitzvahs in Baltimore!” There are a ton of Jews in Baltimore (County)! They wouldn’t even have to be obvious about it! And keep it funny – you know what group of people live in Baltimore a lot? The Jews! And look, Barry Levinson made a lot of movies about it and aren’t we fun and here’s the trailer for Diner. Here’s Avalon – there were Jews. Blah blah blah, corned beef row. We know. Attman’s. WHERE MY JEWS AT?