White people are a curious bunch. They offer car financing, eat tuna fish sandwiches, drink Miller Lite, send their kids to summer camp, sit on the Bench in the NBA, purchase product protection plans on electronics, and whenever they gather in large numbers, they play Beer Pong and Cornhole.
White people are just plain crazy, as evident in the crazy things they do such as recycle, make reservations, pay for their kids to go to college, ride horses, learn Trivia for fun, get abducted by UFO’s, write letters of complaint to companies, and show up at your front door in a white shirt and black tie, wearing a backpack and handing out pamphlets on some dude named Joseph Smith.
Plus, they take crazy ass family vacations that involve a higher level of potential death.
Mostly though, white people engage in insane, deranged, and psychotic activities that inspire Lifetime TV movies. Speaking of Lifetime, that is one sadistic and demented TV Network, as the Channel’s slogan for 20+ years was “Television for women”!
How are you going to market the tagline “Television for women”, when every movie shown on the Network involves some woman either 1) Being psychologically unhinged, depressed, bipolar, and just plain looney tunes or 2) Being stalked, smacked around, getting her ass beaten, kidnapped, or murdered!
Sure, these chalky people may be serial killers, and their basement freezer may be full of people parts, but for the majority of the time, they are a joyful bunch. Most are always smiling, even if their life is crashing down around them, and they are one psychiatric evaluation away from opening fire in a crowded area.
So do not be fooled by their happy disposition in public, as they go home and binge on anti-depressants, Haagan Daaz, and old Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts romantic comedies.
I love white people though, as they allow me to have friends named Becky, Emily, and Connor.
I wanted to learn more about this peculiar race, so I submerged myself in the pool of Caucasian culture, immersing myself fully into the deep end. Soon, I found myself regularly going to hockey games, drinking beer through a funnel and hose, and doing the Electric Slide at Weddings.
I watched “Friends”, shopped at the Farmer’s Market, went hiking, and I even registered as a Republican!
It did not end there, as I also observed these chalky folks in their natural habitat. This entailed me hanging out at Abercrombie stores, baseball games, Bass Pro Shops, and the Organic Foods section of supermarkets. I never bought so many cargo shorts in my life.
Full Whiteness Level was finally attained only after I read every Nicholas Sparks novel, and listened to every Celine Dion album.
When I found myself booking ski outings, I knew I was Omar Epps In Too Deep (whucthoo’know about that movie!), and had to surface back to reality. But not until my research yielded fascinating findings:
White people have an inexplicable affection for 4 things!
1. KHAKIS. SAND. BEACH WEDDINGS.
For people of the blanco shade, I guess nothing says “I Love You” more, than a pair of khakis and a $189 Home Depot Lattice Gazebo on a polluted beach. I guess every white girl wants to grow up to meet her Knight in cuffed up tan Dockers, and a shiny TJMaxx white linen shirt.
I went to a beach wedding once. Everyone was squinting from the sun so much that I thought they were all Chinese! Speaking of which, the people of the Orient are too rational of a race to ever get married on sand. They know that the last time Asians congregated in large numbers on a beach, it resulted in The Battle of Iwo Jima.
But these bleached plebeians gravitate towards sand like lower income families gravitate to Walmart! They go to the beach to read Entertainment magazines, to think about their 401k plan contributions, and to take photos of their feet with the water in the background. Oh look! Another photo in my Newsfeed showing pale legs and feet with water nearby! You frosty flakes are so creative!
Upside is that they do not have to worry about Wedding Favors. They could just set up a podium on the beach, and hand out a pair of cheap shades to each arriving guests, just like the local movie theater does for a 3D movie.
2. EXPENSIVE “GOURMET” SANDWICHES!
You wanna see a crowd of Caucasians? Then just stroll on down to the nearest Panera Bread! Nothing attracts the lighter shade than stacks of focaccia and Panini presses!
White peeps just love themselves some “handcrafted, artisanal, locally made, rustic, multigrain, semi-gluten free” sandwiches. It does not even matter if it is just bologna on Wonder Bread, because if it costs $10 and the name sounds fancy schmancy, then white women will be whipping out their debit cards!
Heck, the last time I paid $10 or more for a sandwich, it came with a side of Prostitute.
WHITE PEOPLE SANDWICH BUYING RULE
Thou shall not partake in the purchasing of a sandwich if the retail price does not meet the ‘Minimum White People Cost Basis of $8.29.’ An EXCEPTION will be granted to allow the purchase price to be as low as $7.49 if 3 OF THE FOLLOWING 4 CRITERIA ARE MET:
1) Name of the sandwich includes a REGION of land, such as “Mediterranean Chicken”, “Sante Fe Turkey”, “Southwestern Chipotle Foreskin”…
2) Contains a CHEESE that you have NEVER F#CKING heard of in your life.
3) The sandwich description contains the pretentious phrases “Organically Grown”, “Farm Raised” or “Locally Produced.”
4) Must have purchased a MINIMUM of 4 Starbucks beverages at regular menu prices within the last 7 days. ‘Tall’ or ‘Grande’ sizes DO NOT qualify. Must be Venti size.
Special Note: Under no circumstances shall a white person use a coupon to lower the cost of a sandwich. Discounting the price of a gourmet sandwich is not condoned by the White Community.
Any attempt to do so will result in that white person losing any number of their White People Privileges, leading up to and including, not being able to shop at Target for a full 30 days.
3. WAGING WAR ON DUCKS AND GEESE
The Caucasian Hunter will wake up at 4am, and venture off into the dangerous jungles of a federally regulated closed off area, where vicious creatures like rabbits and squirrels lurk.
The Caucasian Hunter will traverse the deadly terrain, careful not to step on a twig resulting in an ankle rotation of 2.1 degrees, thus inflicting absolutely no pain at all.
The Caucasian Hunter will climb a treacherous tree, or nestle blindly into a bunker of branches infested with blades of grass.
The Caucasian Hunter clutches his 20 gauge pump action shotgun, giving him a feeling of manliness and superiority that he will never, ever actually get close to achieving in his entire life.
The Caucasian Hunter is steely eyed, ready to battle rampaging mallards that, when fully erect, can stand an imposing 1 feet 7 inches tall.
The Caucasian Hunter sits idle for 3 hours, fully aware that a 4mph breeze can form without warning, rustling nearby Sycamore leaves that can brush across The Caucasian Hunter’s forehead, leaving a light pink 0.052mm wound that only a Neosporin Band-aid can heal.
The Caucasian Hunter eats a Hostess Cinnabon and licks the frosting off the plastic.
The Caucasian Hunter cannot get pass level 18 of Candy Crush, and contemplates eating another Hostess confectionery product when…
What was that?
HOLY HELL! Where is it coming from?!
“QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!”
Focus Caucasian Hunter! FOCUS!
In the wide open field! The FEATHERED FOE has been sighted!
The Caucasian Hunter has a visual! VISUAL CONFIRMED!!
The Caucasian Hunter fumbles with his artillery! FOCUS! QUACK! Oh GOD! QUACK! Don’t lose visual Caucasian Hunter! QUACK! What Dafuq is it doing?! QUACK! QUACK! What da- Oh SWEET JESUS!! IT’S WADDLING! QUACK! SWEET MARY! QUACK! Fluffy Enemy is WADDLING!! I REPEAT! FLUFFY ENEMY is WADDLING!! QUACK!
DAMMITT! FOCUS Caucasian Hunter! FOCUS!!
The Caucasian Hunter fires his rifle and narrowly misses by a mere 47 feet! The Caucasian Hunter frantically yanks out other firearms from his JanSport Backpack! QUACK! The Caucasian Hunter squeezes off 29 rounds! QUACK! The Caucasian Hunter is spraying wildly like he is a Crip Member doing a drive-by!
PAP! PAP! PAP! PAP! PAP! PAP! PAP! PAP!
QUACK! QUAA…EEEKK!! eerrgghh ACKK….
Duck down! DUCK DOWN!!
The Caucasian Hunter forward rolls out of his bunker of twigs, oscillating his head side to side like the $8 fan he has on his milk-crate in his mobile home!
All clear! ALL CLEAR! Mobilize all Rednecks to Kill Zone and secure!
The Caucasian Hunter then takes the self-indulgent photo where he, along with his 8 beer-bellied brothers from the Elk Lodge, poses victoriously over………. a dead duck.
The Caucasian Hunter will share this photo on Social Media for the world to see how he, the Caucasian Hunter, took down pure evilness in the form of a mallard with a deadly wingspan of 9 inches!
4. FRIGGIN’ FLIP FLOPS
Maybe they watch too many Roman movies, but white people love semi-nude footwear. They be going crazy for a pair of Reefs. I own a few of these rubber soled foot bikinis myself.
However, if the temperature is cold enough outside that the possibility of frostbite may set it, resulting in gangrene and the amputation of my toes then call me crazy, but I’m going to be wearing some socks and shoes.
For this ivory population though, it’s a year long perpetual loop of toe nudity. I guess they live by the Post Office motto of flip flop wearing; NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR SNOW… will prevent the public from seeing my nasty ass gonorrhea looking toes (Ok, so I added that last part in.)
White people just love wearing their toe thongs everywhere, regardless of the season or occasion. Going to the mall? Flip Flops. Going to the game? Flip Flops. Going for a jog? Flip Flops? Going to the beach wedding of your white friend? DEFINITELY FLIP FLOPS!
Forget ‘Thrift Shop’, Macklemore needs to make a song called “Flip Flops”!
I’m gonna popp sooommme Floppss…. got twenty dollars in my pooocckeetttss….
I would like to disclose that I am not a Racist. In fact, I happen to like white people. After all, some of my best friends are white!
Now let me get da hell out of here before my white friends find out I am a Democrat.
WhamBam TY Tam!
[Note: WBTYT is an equal opportunity offender. There is nothing more subjective than a sense of humor. If you are overly sensitive, may I suggest…… the Bacon McDouble from the new Dollar Menu from McDonalds. It be yummy to my tummy.]
I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS: