There should be equality in oral sex. If I happen to be on the receiving end of this delightful action, I would immediately execute a like-kind exchange, and assume the Giving position.
I also believe that men and women should VIEW each other equally. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen because just like cunninglingus and fellatio, men will always expect more and give less. After all, it has been said that men think about sex every 52 seconds, while women think about it just once a day.
Gender Equality is like the puff pastry of debates, because there are so many layers involved. In 1948, the United Nations adopted ‘The Universal Declaration of Human Rights’ in an effort to bring a global awareness in creating “equality between men and women in law and social situations”. “Equality in SOCIAL SITUATIONS”? That is just crazy talk, and I like to think of myself as a sane person.
The adage of “Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees” tells us to NOT pay too much attention to the DETAILS that we lose sight of the big picture. I don’t quite agree, as it is our optimism for the larger picture of the politically correct IDEAL of the Gender Equality Forest that prevents us from acknowledging the individual Trees of Social Disparity that exists between genders.
A man and a woman’s Branches of Behavior are just plain different. From our thoughts and emotions, to the way we communicate, and ultimately to how we interact with the people in our lives, men and women are a landscape apart in what goes on in our minds.
Consider the following 4 common “social situations” of men and women, and how they differ due to societal expectations placed on each gender.
1- Sharing some palm love
Whenever I am pivoting my neck at a club scanning for a blip to appear on my Slut Radar, there are two things I notice. Somewhere on the dance floor, there will be drunken white chicks Soul Train dancing to a Hip Hop song, as smooth-looking black dudes creep up from behind and grinds. Bonus points are awarded if the dude resembles Suge Knight.
The other scene is so common that we sometimes don’t even notice it. Every few minutes, girls will scurry by you HOLDING HANDS with one another. They could be bumping, pushing, shoving, or speeding by you, it does not matter; their fingers will always be intertwined with one another like they are attending a Gay Pride parade.
Lesbian tendencies aside, it’s NORMAL to see females conjoined at the palms in public. However, if a man is seen holding another man’s hand, then only one thought comes to mind! Say it with me now: THEY ARE GAY!
Why do they have to be homosexuals? Why can’t 2 men be intimate with their fingers on a sidewalk without judgment? Why can’t I, a heterosexual male, stride up to my chiseled male buddy at the bar, execute some palm love, and then pull him along behind me as we head off to the bathroom to urinate together?
Unless I am in a bar named ‘Brokeback’, we probably would be stared at more than the time I walked through the airport wearing a turban.
On a semi-related note; ever notice that when white people have a house party, Rap/Hip Hop music is usually the music of choice? Which begs the question that at a black people party, do they play “white people music”?
2- Can We Please Have the Tab?
When guys go out, the tab is never an issue. Almost instantly, words of “I got this” are heard among the men. It doesn’t matter if the dude is dead broke, or that his electricity is out; he is going to slap down his Capital One credit card with a 29.99% APR and a $300 credit limit like he is a Baller.
Just like grabbing a round of beers, we know our compadres will get us back next time. Why? Because WE BOYS YO! WE GOT EACH OTHER’S BACKS! AND THAT’S HOW WE ROLL! YUP! YUP!
When girls dine out, they will laugh, cackle, and snort… until a cloud of death arrives in the form of a leather billfold placed in the center of the table.
What transpires after this moment is a script for a Suspense Drama. Tensions rise. Eyes begin peering nervously around at each other. Heads are lowered. Words are hesitantly spoken in a futile attempt to resume any conversation, as everyone pretends NOT to see the tab.
A Hans Zimmer musical score starts playing in the background. After 53 minutes, the fingers of a pissed-off woman reaches out across plates of lettuce and arugula, and makes its way towards the bill. The Suspense Drama has become a Thriller.
Eyes narrow, suspicion emerges, and pressure mounts as the tab is slowly passed from one woman to the next. The numerical fonts on that rectangular piece of paper will be scrutinized like a morning pimple on your genitalia that was not there the night before.
One by one, hands reach for purses. Then pens emerge and equations appear on napkins. Somewhere in the corner, the soft glow from an iPhone calculator is observed. Lips are silently mumbling numbers. Eyes are staring blankly into God knows where.
Then out on the table! There arose such a clatter! Everyone sprang from their chairs! To see what was the matter! Was it St Nick with 8 tiny Reindeer? No, but the voice of a cheap bitch that no one wants to hear!
This penny pinching tightwad is easy to spot by the way her eyes scan the empty dishes trying to figure out what portion of food she ate. God forbid someone recommends splitting the bill equally, as this hooker will declare that all she had was a celery stick, and 2 licks of blue cheese.
When evidence is presented in the form of dry-sucked bones on her plate, a jury of her peers renders a guilty verdict, where she is sentenced to 3 minutes of eye-rolls and glares of contempt, and is ordered to pay restitution in the amount that is equal to the food she ate.
Snippets of side deals of “you owe me $2.17”, or “I’ll cover your raspberry tea since I ate some of your apple walnut salad” may be heard, but for the most part, the dining event has concluded when on the table lies 6 credit cards, 4 piles of bills, 9 quarters, 8 dimes, 2 nickels, and 7 pennies.
Everyone prepares to leave, with some standing up grabbing their Coach bags (in a way that ensures their friends see the Coach symbol), and chatter resumes!
That is until….from off in the distance a meek voice is heard murmuring “What about the tip?”
The Thriller has now become a Horror…
3- The Gift for GAB
A Study published recently in the Journal of Neuroscience showed that the “language gene” FOX2P, which is linked to verbal communication, exists in MUCH HIGHER levels in a woman’s brain than a man’s.
The Study, conducted by the University of Maryland School of Medicine (shout out to my homies!) gives credence to previous research suggesting that women on average speak 20,000 words per day, while men only mutter 7,000 words. That is 13,000 MORE squeals of nonsense that a man has to endure as soon as he walks in the door!
There may be times when she is muted, but do NOT let your guard down men, and keep a pair of noise-cancelling earmuffs within hand’s reach. At some unexpected point, her short term restraint in spewing syllables will boil over. The lid to her mouth will fly open, and she will unleash a steam of verbal craziness that will surely fog your brain.
At least women are an equal opportunity yapper, as they will happily motor-mouth continuously around a racetrack of redundancy among themselves. Whereas men take 5 seconds to tell a story, women will take 6 hours.
4- Crazy, Sexy, Cool in public
In her public persona, a woman may be beautiful, sexy, and full of happiness. But when Superwoman flies home to her telephone booth, better known as her bathroom, she transforms back into her civilian self. She’ll stagger out with a mauled coyote face, with one drooping boob spearing off to the east, and one sagging tittie flopping off to the west.
Her smile is now a scowl, and her joyful disposition has dissipated into a pothole of despair. The 3 superpowers that transformed her from a PRIVATE wildebeest into a PUBLIC supermodel have subsided, as her MAKE-UP is off, the WONDER BRA is in the hamper, and the ANTI-DEPRESSANTS are wearing off.
Men are just as guilty, as we also have a propensity to self-present ourselves in a more physically appealing way. The neologism ‘Metrosexual’ was coined in 1994 by a Reporter in “describing a man who is meticulous in his appearance”, gave rise to the modern movement of guys wearing belts and having Paul Mitchell hair.
Around the same time, an immensely popular Calvin Klein Ad Campaign featuring a young naked hoodlum wearing ball-hugging underwear, bombarded the MTV generation. The chiseled pectorals, rock nipples, and plump testicles of this male hunk, coupled with the rise of the metrosexual male, put an end to the disheveled looking, combat boot wearing Seattle grunge caveman, and gave birth to the well groomed, hygienically conscious gentleman!
We live in a Photoshop world, where both genders Instagram their appearance so as to be seen through filtered lens. The difference however, is that no matter how much gel a man uses in this hair, or how much AXE Body Spray he has on, he will only go as far as dipping his toe into the pool of transformation that a woman so freely swim in.
Make-up, or cosmetics, is defined by the FDA as a “product that is applied to the human body to promote attractiveness, or alter appearance.” Within that definition, exists the differences. Men will do things to “promote attractiveness”, while women will do things to “alter appearance”.
For example, men will PROMOTE the juiciness of their lips by swiping on some chapstick, or they may PROMOTE the phallic dominance of the Penile Tower by mowing the lawn around it.
Women though, will go into full ALTER drive, and apply Moisturizer, Highlighter, Foundation, Illuminator, Concealer, Powder, Bronzer, Eye-Liner, Primer, Eye-Shadow, Mascara, Blush, Lip-Liner, Lip-Stick and Lip gloss. And that 26 step application is JUST for their face!
In the end, Men are from Mars, and Women are from Planet Crazy…
The brain of a man is wired differently from a woman’s, so how can men and women be viewed equally if half of the population THINKS differently from the other half? Penn University, in one of the largest Studies ever to compare neural connections, showed that a man’s brain is more strongly connected from FRONT TO BACK, while a woman’s brain is more strongly connected from LEFT TO RIGHT.
What this indicates is that a woman has a higher degree of Social Cognition than her male counterpart. In case you were home-schooled, Social Cognition refers to how “we PROCESS, STORE, and USE information about other PEOPLE… how we THINK about others, and how THAT in turn INFLUENCES OUR BEHAVIOR, FEELINGS, and SOCIAL INTERACTIONS.”
In other words, bitches be overthinking.
The fairer sex will spend a significant amount of time engrossed in details; thinking and analyzing HERSELF and others that enter her life, hoping to “make sense” of where it all “fits” in her world.
The more you get lost in your thoughts and the more you stew over the issues in your life, the more sad and self-pitying you become. In fact, overthinking is a huge contributor to depression and may explain why twice as many women are on antidepressants than men.
For the most part, men can “fake” their public persona, while the behavior of a woman is highly dependent on what goes on in her mind. The Founders of Victoria’s Secret knew this “secret”, and knew that if they manufactured a thong out of 2 strings of yarn, women will wear that string up their butt crack because it makes them FEEL sexy.
Even if no one is going to see those $39 panties, she will STILL wear that sheer, floral-patterned white lace thong to work because it makes her FEEL beautiful, which INFLUENCES her behavior to be more flirtatious to Emilio, the cute janitor.
Men do not do this. We do not wear a banana sack or a cock ring underneath our Dickies Construction work uniform, and then Tupac thug-walk in our Timberlands over to Young MC Bust a Move on the food-truck lady. Nah, men are egomaniacal, and if we want to lay the smack down on a girl, all we need is a buzz and a breath mint.
A man simply thinks of SEX while a woman thinks about SEX APPEAL. In order to ACT beautiful and sexy, a woman needs to THINK and FEEL it. A man can feel SHITTY and still talk SHIT, because he THINKS he is the SHIT.
Ultimately, the way we think about others and the way we think about OURSELVES plays a huge role in our behavior and interaction with the world around us. When those individual thoughts are combined into a large group of the same sex, opinions and biases are generalized, and a “societal norm” is born in how each gender is viewed by the other.
In our western world, Men and Women are ostensibly equal. We can enact Laws and grant Rights, but until SOCIETY can have the same “views” on men and women SOCIALLY, gender equality will always be a photo opportunity that will never be framed.
From the birth of Affirmative Action in the 60’s to the recent adoption of Common Core in our classrooms, it appears that we are moving towards a world where things are becoming more “equal”. I am all for “equality” in anything if it is for humanity’s sake, and not to meet some political agenda. But speaking generally, I think if you strive to be equal on anything, then you lack ambition.
However, I am for equality where it is feasible. Last week, I ran into a mob of midgets picketing in front of my local AMC movie theater. Apparently, these dwarfs were upset about the ticket prices; demanding an explanation to why they have to pay the Full ADULT Admission price, when they are in fact, the size of a child and should get the CHILD price. I have since joined their cause.
Hell, even the Chik-fila cows want us to eat more chicken.
I leave you with this.
Till next time!
WhamBam TY Tam!