This is a hectic time of year, and I have found myself quite busy. The demands of my day job as a Talent Director at a Czechoslovakian Brothel, as well as my being an FBI Informant has left me minimal time to blog.
However, I could not leave 2013 without giving you one last introspective rant, and since it being the Holidays, what better than to state why this Joyful and Merry time annoys the crap out of me. So no foreplay here, no nipple licks, and no fingers roaming in the Southern region. I am going straight for the unzipping, buttons popping off, hallway quickie as I thrust upon you the 10 things that annoy the hell out me during this Celebration of Lights period! Trust me, you will be satisfied.
1) Buttcrack Tasting Food
So many friends! So many dinners! So many nasty ass dishes! I’m talking about those meals that you are obliged to not only eat, but you also have to appear to be enjoying as to not offend the host. I call this the “Porn Star Syndrome” where you have to swallow and pretend you like it.
2) Dude, get me dafuq outta here!
Stuck at some horrendous Holiday Party you do not want to be at and are enjoying just as much as you enjoy anal leakage? Do you find yourselves hesitantly standing around, flashing the occasional fake smile to people you have never seen nor will ever see again?
The only thing that keeps you from flipping out and dropkicking everyone is the fact that the person who bought you along is someone that you want to perform scenes from 50 Shades of Grey with. It’s all about the Ben Wa balls. Then when it can’t get any worse, your date has wandered off leaving you unattended like a shopping cart baby in Wal-Mart to fend for yourself.
If you find yourself in this pathetic predicament where you feel more alone than Macaulay Culkin, or more out of place than a lesbian at the Republican National Convention, then you can enact the “NOT-LOOK-STUPID-STANDING-BY-YOURSELF-PROTOCOL” in which you proceed to look at your cell phone and pretend like you are texting someone.
3) Did You Really Just Give Me This?
Yes, I know it’s “Not what you get, but what you give”, and that saying may be true in acts of a sexual nature, but for Christmas gifts, I can assure you that no living creature has ever been excitingly exuberant when they peel back layers of tissue paper, only to discover a 3-pk of Target crew socks or a JC Penny 6 pack of Hanes briefs.
Let’s not also forget those “Eyebrow Raising” presents that are so SUSPECT that they should be in a Police Line-Up. It’s “the thought that counts” you say? Well, if that is the case, then keep those thoughts to yourself you kleptomaniac cheap ass!
4) Bumper to Bumper
It’s not so much the Mall traffic, but traffic in general that irritates me more than a Herpes flare-up. When it takes me 4X’s longer to drive to my neighborhood Popeye’s to enjoy summa dat delicious extra Spicy chickum, then Houston, we have a problem. The only time I want to be bumper to bumper is when I am butt cheek to butt cheek in an Eyes Wide Shut orgy. Gotta have the masks too, y’know.
5) Where The Hell Are You Brad Pitt?
I do not mind crowds of people excited for a sale, but when they look like Extra’s from a sequel to World War Z, is when Brad Pitt needs to get his ass down here and help a brutha out! Look, I understand a great sale. I, myself, have been known to trample a few housewives and head-butt small children to get that $19.99 DVD player.
However, I have never engaged in the Running of The Bulls in a Department store just to save a mere few dollars like most of these mobile home inhabitants! These fools riot like they just heard a post Rodney King Verdict, just to get those $8.99 regularly priced towels for $7.99??
And the congestion!! Except for my Ex-girlfriend, I do not know of anyone who enjoys being in close proximity with dozens of people who are pushing, pressing, and poking them. Just kidding Ashley, I still love you…even if you had more men enter you than a Strip Club.
6) We SAHH’POSED TA’be Brother’s Man!
Speaking of crazy people, what would the Festive season be without idiotic relatives fighting and bickering? I think it is a huge irony that for a Time that encourages peace, harmony and togetherness, the Holidays tend to create tension, turmoil, and more drama that a Lifetime movie.
Personalities clash, opinions are forced, and World War 3 is underway just because people disagree where to place the green bean casserole on the table. I understand that it’s impossible to Rodney King Get Along with everyone, but how hard can it be to just pop a valium and chillax for a few hours?
7) Where is my Dollar REALLY going?
I’m a charitable dude, but I get suspicious this time of year when tons of Charities start popping up everywhere. With the homeless dude chilling in the intersection, I at least know that my money is going to buy a fifth of Smirnoff. But I can’t say the same with these Red Salvation Army buckets accompanied by a one instrument band member.
Where do these buckets go at night? Does Santa pick them up? And how do I know those “buckets” are the real deal? Seriously, when was the last time you inspected that crimson pail closely after you dropped that dollar? What if it said ‘Turtle Wax Car Wash’ on the side?
8) Creepy and Offensive! That’s Our Family!
Every family gathering has that ONE relative that you should make walk through a metal detector before entering your home. You ever notice how every bundle of sweet grapes has at least one that is severely handicapped, bruised and half dangling off the vine? I think this is God’s way of saying “Every Family Has a Sandusky”.
And those Holiday invites from that potential polygamous creepy as all hell family living in your neighborhood? Six letters: NO RSVP.
9) And the Oscar for the “Best Display of Fake Affection” Goes To……
Our daily lives are like a buffet, where we enjoy most of the offerings, but steer clear of certain dishes we do not like. However, during the Holidays, circumstances will bring you face to face with that human vegetable side dish that you certainly do not have a taste for. Not only do we not push them to the side of the plate, we proceed to exchange pleasantries that are more fake than that moan your partner made the last time you had sex with them.
Then we also have those “acquaintances” that we have to buy a gift for, when we could give two shits about. All in the Holiday spirit, right?
10) FREE SAMPLE CHICKEN!!!
Mall shopping would not be complete without a meek widescreen-eyed Asian person thrusting a tasty toothpick morsel of teriyaki chicken in your face! Normally, I would have to bob and weave around just one crazy Asian to make it through the food court, but the Holidays bring out a full-on forward attack of charging Asians not seen since the likes of Pearl Harbor!
If a vendor has a “Pick 2 meat” combo on their menu, then you can bet your ass that there will be some over excited, apron wearing, illegal immigrant, armed with plates of toothpick-stabbed protein pieces impeding your path! And let’s not forget their war rallying cry “SAMPOH CHICKEN?!!” “SAMPOH CHICKEN!!!” as they sling those mini twigs of poultry towards the opening of your mouth!
In closing….
Holidays are intended to celebrate or commemorate an event or tradition of cultural or religious significance, but I think we all can agree that, as a nation, we are slowly losing sight of that. I mean, the last time I celebrated a tradition was when I completely shaved my pubic hairs to commemorate the trend of manscaping.
It took a bit of adjustment because I had grown to like the little beard under Princess Sophia (What? You never saw “How to Lose a Guy in 10 days?”). Sure, I was hesitant, because my chicken had never been plucked. But It ended up being a revelation of new sensations! It was like Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Balls” were playing nonstop.
What does this have to do with Holidays? You see, a bushy scrotum sack is a tradition that has been around forever, but with the passage of time, online porn, and advancement in razor blade technology which helps limit the scarring of the Veiny Love Tree, more and more men are dispensing away with the branches and twigs, and waxing the weasel.
But there remains, and will always be, a segment of the male population that will stand firm, and keep their garden growing with curly weeds! Furthermore, if you are a staunch supporter of a smooth vaginal submarine, then I am sure there are times that you allow some leaves to pop up. And those prickly leaves are the original spirit and tradition of Christmas. You may lose “sight” of them from time to time, but they will always come back if you allow them to.
To help reinstate that Thomas Kinkade image of Christmas in your mind, I offer you the famous quote “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If you have never heard that quote, then I offer you its reincarnation in “Rounders”, which is one of my favorite films, when Matt Damon says “Few players recall big pots they have won, strange as it seems. But every player can remember with remarkable accuracy the outstanding tough beats of his career.”
Whether it’s a poker game or Life, Maya Angelou or Mike McDermott, the tough beats are emotions and feelings that we never forget. It is our duty to make sure that we pass this on to the younger generation.
Looking back on all the Holidays, I know I’ve gotten some fantastic gifts, eaten some fabulous food, and shared it with great people. But as the years pass, I find it more difficult to remember what those gifts were, what those great meals consisted of, and the company I had. However, I will ALWAYS remember the one year that I got engaged, and the one year that I felt shattered because of how 2 people made me feel.
If there is one feeling that you not should spread, it is the feeling of obligation. No one likes to be obligated. However, sadly, I think that is a feeling that we also create ourselves… for ourselves.
So we all need to inhale a bit, slow down, ease up, take a step back, relax, reflect, give, forgive, share, savor, cherish, devote, appreciate, and love. Let us keep some traditions alive and remember what this time of year is all about; giving the gift of feeling. Presents, food, and crew socks will come and go, but the spirit of how you felt (and pubic hairs) will always stay with you.
Have a Happy Holiday yaw!
~ Wham Bam TY Tam
[Legal Disclaimer: The use of the word ‘Holiday’ in this blog can also be interchanged with Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, or any other messed up tradition or celebration that you and your inbred, political, super-sensitive family celebrate, observe, tolerate, or completely disregard. ]