It’s your friendly, neighborhood, self-appointed Bishop here. As most of you know, two weeks ago new traffic laws came into effect in our dear state. Well…not NEW laws. Just tightened laws. It’s been illegal for a while to look at your cell and drive; but now they can pull you over for it. I find the change curious.
So you made it illegal to use my phone in my car…but you don’t trust me to obey the law you previously wrote because clearly I am a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad citizen…so you decide your best course of action is to make a second, harsher law.
Wouldn’t common sense dictate that if I didn’t obey the first one, I’m not going to obey the second one?
Don’t get me wrong. I completely concur that cell phone usage in automobiles is the largest problem of illegality facing our fair city. I also agree that our clearly under-worked police force has nothing better to do than patrol the streets to discover the perpetrators of this horrendous offense. In fact, I don’t think it should stop here. I mean, clearly none of us can be trusted to drive without Big Brother in our back seat. I routinely comment to my wife how stupid all other drivers are around me. Therefore, I don’t think we have gone far enough.
Here are three other laws I would like to see enacted in our wonderful state to make it safer for the children!
1) Thou shalt encase all children in tight plastic containers while the car is in motion.
If you want to stop people from driving distracted, forget about cell phones. It’s those dam children you need to be worried about. I know. I have four of the little bastards. They are constantly with the, “I need this… Can you play that song again? She hit me! He bit me! She said I’m a cheater!” Not to mention the consistent refrain of “Hey Daddy? Hey Daddy? Hey Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”
Want to make the road safer by making drivers less distracted? Legislate the children.
Car seats were not enough. I suggest all cars be required to have plastic, firmly sealing, sound proof crates. One per child. All children must be tightly secured in their crates before the car is in motion. This would absolutely cut down on distracted driving and, I bet, road rage.
2) Thou shalt not laugh at me when I am getting my groove on in the car.
There are times when I like to get my jam on while I drive. I’m an OG R&B guy, so when some Bill Withers or Marvin Gaye comes on, I gots to let loose. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout Baltimore! You know how it is. Your groove kicks on and you need to let it out. There is no stoppin’ it. It’s got to flow loud and proud.
But then I come to a traffic light (which are all bizarrely slow in Baltimore for some mystic reason) and I’m all happy, singing my heart out, with my head all bobbing to the beat, and my eyes closed tight with passion, when I look over and see the driver next to me laughing.
I’m gettin’ my groove on. Don’t laugh. It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.
Laughing at other drivers while they get their groove on should be illegal. I should be allowed at that moment to get out of my car and make a citizens arrest or issue a citation or something. We can call it the “don’t be an asshole to me” ticket (random podcast reference accomplished).
When you go to court, I will be there, and the judge will ask me what happened, and I will say, “He was an asshole while I was gettin’ my groove on in the car.” Then the judge will lock you up, and I’ll be happy, and the streets will be safer for the children.
3) You, Police Officer, shalt not be allow-eth to stalk-eth me down side streets.
Mr. Police Man, you already got blue light cameras on every block, speed cameras at every good straight away (when they’re in operation), and traffic cameras at every light I like to run; why you have to stalk me as well? I know I look suspicious in my mini-van with my four kids bouncing around. And yes, I know that last month you caught me with my emissions test out of date and got to give me a ticket. But that ain’t a good reason to be all up on my butt for blocks and blocks.
I’m even alright with you tailing me down main drags. When I’m driving down North Ave or Saint Paul, that’s cool. Follow me all day. It’s possible we are both just headed in the same direction. But when I start taking weird side streets to ditch you, its not cool for you to keep with me. If I’m not breaking the law, just move on. Don’t follow me down side streets hoping I’ll do something wrong. Don’t you have better things to do?
Illegal! I deem I should be able to pull my car over, take your badge number, and subject you to some sort of fine.
What else? You got any? If so add them in the comments. Maybe someone at Maryland State Transportation Authority will get on this and make our streets safer for the children.
The Bishop of the CTB