I Want More Traffic Laws

MTA PICHello CTB Family,

It’s your friendly, neighborhood, self-appointed Bishop here.  As most of you know, two weeks ago new traffic laws came into effect in our dear state.  Well…not NEW laws.  Just tightened laws.  It’s been illegal for a while to look at your cell and drive; but now they can pull you over for it.  I find the change curious.

So you made it illegal to use my phone in my car…but you don’t trust me to obey the law you previously wrote because clearly I am a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad citizen…so you decide your best course of action is to make a second, harsher law.

Wouldn’t common sense dictate that if I didn’t obey the first one, I’m not going to obey the second one?

Don’t get me wrong.  I completely concur that cell phone usage in automobiles is the largest problem of illegality facing our fair city.  I also agree that our clearly under-worked police force has nothing better to do than patrol the streets to discover the perpetrators of this horrendous offense.  In fact, I don’t think it should stop here.  I mean, clearly none of us can be trusted to drive without Big Brother in our back seat.  I routinely comment to my wife how stupid all other drivers are around me.  Therefore, I don’t think we have gone far enough.

Here are three other laws I would like to see enacted in our wonderful state to make it safer for the children!

1) Thou shalt encase all children in tight plastic containers while the car is in motion.

If you want to stop people from driving distracted, forget about cell phones.  It’s those dam children you need to be worried about.  I know.  I have four of the little bastards.  They are constantly with the, “I need this…  Can you play that song again?  She hit me!  He bit me!  She said I’m a cheater!”  Not to mention the consistent refrain of “Hey Daddy?  Hey Daddy?  Hey Daddy?  Daddy?  Daddy?  Daddy? Daddy?”

Want to make the road safer by making drivers less distracted?  Legislate the children.

Car seats were not enough.  I suggest all cars be required to have plastic, firmly sealing, sound proof crates.  One per child.  All children must be tightly secured in their crates before the car is in motion.  This would absolutely cut down on distracted driving and, I bet, road rage.

2) Thou shalt not laugh at me when I am getting my groove on in the car.

There are times when I like to get my jam on while I drive.  I’m an OG R&B guy, so when some Bill Withers or Marvin Gaye comes on, I gots to let loose.  You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout Baltimore!  You know how it is.  Your groove kicks on and you need to let it out.  There is no stoppin’ it.  It’s got to flow loud and proud.

But then I come to a traffic light (which are all bizarrely slow in Baltimore for some mystic reason) and I’m all happy, singing my heart out, with my head all bobbing to the beat, and my eyes closed tight with passion, when I look over and see the driver next to me laughing.

Not cool.

I’m gettin’ my groove on.  Don’t laugh.  It ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.


Laughing at other drivers while they get their groove on should be illegal.  I should be allowed at that moment to get out of my car and make a citizens arrest or issue a citation or something.  We can call it the “don’t be an asshole to me” ticket (random podcast reference accomplished).

When you go to court, I will be there, and the judge will ask me what happened, and I will say, “He was an asshole while I was gettin’ my groove on in the car.”  Then the judge will lock you up, and I’ll be happy, and the streets will be safer for the children.

3) You, Police Officer, shalt not be allow-eth to stalk-eth me down side streets.  

Mr. Police Man, you already got blue light cameras on every block, speed cameras at every good straight away (when they’re in operation), and traffic cameras at every light I like to run; why you have to stalk me as well?  I know I look suspicious in my mini-van with my four kids bouncing around.  And yes, I know that last month you caught me with my emissions test out of date and got to give me a ticket.  But that ain’t a good reason to be all up on my butt for blocks and blocks.

I’m even alright with you tailing me down main drags.  When I’m driving down North Ave or Saint Paul, that’s cool.  Follow me all day.  It’s possible we are both just headed in the same direction.  But when I start taking weird side streets to ditch you, its not cool for you to keep with me.  If I’m not breaking the law, just move on.   Don’t follow me down side streets hoping I’ll do something wrong.  Don’t you have better things to do?

Illegal!  I deem I should be able to pull my car over, take your badge number, and subject you to some sort of fine.

What else?  You got any?  If so add them in the comments.  Maybe someone at Maryland State Transportation Authority will get on this and make our streets safer for the children.


The Bishop of the CTB

6 thoughts on “I Want More Traffic Laws

  1. I got pulled over a few days ago for no seatbelt (Got off with a warning cus I gave them my puppy dog eyes), and I asked da po’po about the cell phone Law and was told they do not need to see a phone in hand, as even if you APPEAR to be using a handheld device, ie., glancing down, up, down, up, down, up as you are driving, then that is enough probable cause to pull you over. That’s stupid, cus what if I have Terets?? But mostly, it worries me as I like to touch myself when I drive, especially when a Miley song comes on, and I do tend to look down.

    1. Or worse yet, looking at a map, eating a sandwich, putting on makeup, it’s this weird thing we used to have called “distracted driving” which last I checked was a ticketable offense and when Miley comes on you better believe Tam had better pull over to avoid catastrophe!

  2. 1) Blocking the box, I’ve said this a million times, needs to be a primary offense and people should get punched in the throat for doing it

    2) “COEXIST” bumper stickers – ILLEGAL! As well as “BE MORE CIVIL” or whatever gobbledygook Howard County wants me to think


  3. The cell phone law had to be strengthened because idiots were flagrantly violating it with deadly consequences. There was almost no point in even bothering with the initial law because it was basically unenforceable. Even when someone was speeding, crossing the yellow line, failing to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk, and talking on their phone, cops often didn’t even bother to add the phone charge because it was so insignificant. With that law in place, cell phone-distracted driving continued to grow exponentially. Almost every time a driver endangers my life while I’m riding my bike or crossing a street (or even walking down a sidewalk), if I catch a glimpse of the driver, they’re either yackity yacking away or texting. Now, at least, a cop can pull someone over just for being on their phone. Like any other law, it has the potential to be enforced inequitably (talking and driving while black), but there is a clear need to prevent idiotic and proven unsafe behaviors on our city streets to promote public health and welfare. Of course, it would sure help if some of the other existing safety laws (speed limits, stop/yield laws) were enforced. Baltimore City is a bit unusual in having more intentional homicides than traffic deaths, but if you look at the whole metropolitan region, the state, or the country, unsafe drivers are far more likely to kill you than dudes with guns or knives.

  4. Few things: those ridiculous fake testicles that douchebags put on the back of their trucks. Not that they are distracting, but those people should just be punished.

    Those exhaust tips that make those crap imports sound like a hornets’ nest. Pretty fucking silly.

    Anyone with a personalized plate that is all coded and hard to know what it means. If you have to start using numbers and complicated lettering to form your shitty plate, you are an asshat. Print that shit on a T-shirt.

    Assholes with the comfortable top down but side windows up. That is the equivalent of a vest–just make up your damn mind. Do you want to be warm or cold? Don’t halfass it.

    Left-lane campers. If you are in the left lane and not doing at least 10 mph over the speed limit, drive yourself over a bridge. Some of us have places to go.

  5. You Maryland people obviously need more laws, you are just behind DC as the worst drivers in the country. After living here for 3 years I can see why, you don’t know how to merge, you don’t turn your lights on until it’s completely dark, you don’t stay in between the lines in your lane, the list goes on and on. You are aggressive drivers that don’t know how to drive.. You should all have to take a drivers ed class.

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