How to make a million dollars running a festival booth

Let it be known that I, Evan The Mayor, made my sophomore debut as a festival vendor this past Sunday at Federal Hill’s Street Beat Festival selling our delicious, nutritious and amazing Mobtown Meatsnacks to the thinned masses; crowds seeing anemic ebbs and flows as a result of a majority of citizens being en route to the Orioles game at the Yards or huddled at home or in a bar for opening NFL Sunday (SPORTS!). It was a trying time, especially in the face of pretty fucking high booth fees on top of temporary food permits from the city AND being placed next to the Thai food tent AND a bevvy of upfront costs, by 3:00pm it seemed as though I’d be lucky to break even on the day much less turn a profit (which I did, by a very slim margin).

But then, something magical happened. Local twitterfly @fedhillgal showed up to say hello with her newest acquirement in tow — a 12 week old FUKKIN’ FRENCH BULLDOG NAMED ARCHIE. LOOK AT THIS FUKKIN’ DOG:

archie 01



Needless to say within a matter of nanoseconds every drunk Federal Hillite – male and female alike – was crowding around this droplet of concentrated cute juice and demanding pets and cuddles, seriously @fedhillgal should have charged admission at a certain point, it was that ludicrous. Even local bowtie enthusiast Bowtie Bob was in on the action:

bowtie bob

There were so many pictures taken of this dog you could harvest all of them from the Internet and feed it into a CAD program and make a full 3D print of the damn thing as an action figure. He was truly the star of the festival (sorry, Almighty Senators!).

And fortunately for me, there were so many people hovering around this animal that many of them began drunkenly noticing the fact that they were standing right in front of a beef jerky tent, and the cash began flowing anew. Sweet, sweet savior that is Archie, I commend you. And for future events, I’ll be renting you and placing you directly on top of our display table so no one will be able to avoid seeing our products and being subject to our sales pitches. Or possibly obtaining a sample of your tissue and cloning you several times for a small fleet of Archies to serve as my defacto sales force.

Artist's Concept
Artist’s Concept


3 thoughts on “How to make a million dollars running a festival booth

  1. For a moment there, when Jesus was weeping, I was afraid you were going to say you chopped the puppy up and made him into the cutest meat snack ever.

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