The Best of Craigslist: May 2013

MISSED CONNECTIONS
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym? Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

Sweet, sweet pit beef

Posted: 2013-05-21, 2:20AM EDT
Can pit beef bring us together? – m4w (Arbutus arts fest)
Message: “You were working at the Lions Club pit beef stand. I was working the event also. I thought you were really pretty. I wanted to talk to you but you seemed busy. I couldn’t get you off my mind. If by some chance you read this, email me!”

Analysis: Dude, you never had a chance. This is pit beef we’re talking about. Combine that with even a 6 placing that pit roasted goodness on a bun with a smile and any man worth his weight in boners wouldn’t be able to get her out of their mind either. I’m willing to bet this Arbutus Beauty had 40+ random dudes hitting her up an the Arts Fest — also what constitutes “Arts” in Arbutus? Exorbitant ashtray designs? Pergo sculptures? Either way good luck.

Posted: 2013-05-15, 12:32PM EDT
Sunday Morning Screening – m4w – 48 (BWI B Concourse Security)
Message:” You cut a mean figure in your green dress, and struck me from a mile away. When I found you behind me as everyone was reassembling themselves after security I felt good fortune wash over me, but lapsed on my game, stymied by the presence of my colleagues and the early morning hour. I hope you had a good trip. Reach out if you think you’d like to share a cup of coffee or grab a drink sometime.”

Analysis: This is classic Missed Connections; “Hey saw you for a nanosecond while TSA was fucking up my Christmas at 5am and despite the fact that hooking up is the furthest thing from anyone’s mind I hope you feel the same way that I did for some incredulous reason.” Also you have no evidence that this female in question is even from the area, and what the hell kind of game do you have if it’s “lapsed” due to the presence of colleagues in the early morning?

Posted: 2013-05-16, 7:08PM EDT
yellow shirt, black hair in one wide braid on circulator – m4w – 32 (Charles Village)
St. Paul St. at E. Lanvale St.
Message: “I noticed you immediately. You were running across Charles to catch the circulator at Baltimore.

You sat in the back and touched me as you passed my seat.

I was half in the aisle because of the guy next to me, so it’s not like I thought anything of it.

But I kept thinking about you back there.

I changed seats around the monument, and later someone from the back sat next to me. It was you. 🙂

I should’ve said something, but I was stunned. You smelled really good in this exact way that I never notice in anyone.

When we got off at Penn Station, you walked the same way I go, and you turned to go towards St. Paul like I usually do. I didn’t want to creep you out, so I didn’t cross to the other side of St. Paul as usual.

So, you were wearing a yellow t-shirt shirt and black, perfect fit pants, and black shoes, and your black hair was in one, wide braid, and you had giant headphones. And you had a tan leather-type bag. And you’re pretty much the cutest girl I’ve ever seen in Baltimore.”

Analysis: creep.

Posted: 2013-05-17, 8:51PM EDT
Re: Immovable Object – m4w
Message: “This is for that vision with freckles that so emphatically dot the sentence that is your consummate visage; The girl that’s finer than China from Lenox. I’m certain I’d love every bit of the woman you wake up as on your worst day. While I know the reasons why, it remains so surreal to me that someone with such a natural wealth of internal and physical beauty should feel like they need to be what others want them to be to gain accepted. I’ve got just as many ways to tell you how amazing you are as you have drops of magnificence in the sea of your divinity. So…ya know, I dig you for you.

Look, I know you’re struggling and I just wanted to remind you that I’d gladly struggle with you, right now, tomorrow, monday morning, anytime, if you’d let me in. You don’t have to prep and pretend to be happy to appease anyone, simply being with you in any capacity is enough. Please don’t misunderstand me, nothing has changed I still want you, all of you, indefinitely; But I want my friend back more.”

Analysis: Hi I’m going to use as many words as possible to try to sound like a Billy D Williams salespitch for some sort of new cologne distilled from actual cheese — drops of magnificence in the sea of your divinity?

FOR SALE

One man’s junk is another man’s Picasso

Posted: 2013-05-24, 11:57AM EDT
air guitar amp – $7000 (hampden)

Message: “Mint.”

Analysis: Sold.