The City That Breeds » Advice » CHILL OUT PLEASE



Hello CTB family,

Your friendly, neighborhood, self-appointed Bishop here.

Today I would like to discuss with you stuff I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why my four-year-old feels the need to get up at 5:30 in the morning regardless of what time we put him to bed.

I don’t understand how the first three seasons of Battlestar Gallatica can be so awesome, but the fourth season can suck so hard.

I don’t understand Ke$ha.

I don’t understand how anyone can think eating food cooked in a Royal Farms is a good idea.

I don’t understand why we allow Steelers and Yankees fans to live within the city limits without paying extra taxes.

I don’t understand why cops direct traffic when the traffic lights are working.  I feel like they are just making things worse.

But most importantly my CTB family, I don’t understand why people in Baltimore are so quick to become angry.

For example, recently I was driving down St. Paul, minding my own business, doing nothing to nobody.  I took my eyes off the road for one tiny second to turn up my iPod because I couldn’t hear the amazing rants of Evan the Mayor and the CTB Podcast Crew.  It is true that in the course of that tiny millisecond I almost rammed into the back of some dude’s car who was stopped at a red light.  I know I scared him.  I know my breaks screeched wildly.  I know my car fish-tailed a little.  Yes, I confess, I should have been paying closer attention to the road.  But was it necessary for you to jump out of your doo doo brown colored hooptie, run to the back of your car, melodramatically search for damages, and then scream obscenities at me?

Chill out bro.  Even if I had hit you, no one would have been able to tell.  I don’t understand why you were so angry.

Or there was that moment the other day when my kids and I were on a walk and some random dog came running at us.  Don’t get mad at me for kicking your hyper dog.  It’s not my fault you didn’t have him on a leash.  How am I suppose to know “he would never bite anyone ever!?”  All I saw was a crazy canine running toward my children.  I didn’t do any permanent damage…I don’t think. Relax lady.  Dogs are resilient. Your mutt will bounce back.

Or then there was that other time the same day when I pulled into a hospital parking garage and was stopped by a man in a black hoodie, jeans, and a grey stocking cap.  You sauntered over to my window and mumbled, “Um yeah. Um, the parking lot is full. So you um, need to give me your keys and I’ll park your car for you.”

I don’t think you should have gotten angry when I replied, “How do I know you work for the hospital?”  I am not Superman.  I do not have x-ray vision.  I can not see your name tag through your hoodie.  You did not have to get so upset and say mean words to me in Spanish.

Jokes on you cause I don’t even speak Spanish and couldn’t understand you anyway.

Can we please all just breath and relax a little?

Practice patience.  Be kind and quick to forgive. Seek the betterment of others over personal justification. In humility recognize that while you maybe right this very instant, you will be wrong within the hour. Don’t be so quick to anger.  Our city will be a better place for it.

Filed under: Advice

  • For the record I like those chicken sliders at RoFo.

    As for the rest of it, my take home message is: “The Bishop will nearly wreck your car, kick your dog, and assume you’re a criminal but CHILL OUT BRO!” 😉

    Personal anecdote – One time I was leaving home for work and had to back out of my parallel spot and extremely lightly bumped the car behind me on the way out (the Baltimore Bump), which unfortunately had a Blue Collar Gentleman in it who decided to tear ass up the street beside me and yell “DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST HIT MY CAR AND TOOK OFF LIKE IT WAS NOTHIN??” To which I replied “Oh. I’m really sorry I didn’t realize.” He just kept looking at me like he was going to hit me with a tire iron, so I just apologized again and took off.

    He followed me for about a half mile.

  • Royal Farms fried chicken is amazing. That statement severely damages your credibility.

    • Adam – Regarding the chicken…I wouldn’t know because I can’t bring myself to buy food cooked in a 7-11 style convenience store. I just can’t do it.

      • leftwingcon

        I concur. You may smoke, drink or mainline smack and know its bad for your health, but you do it anyway. Why? ‘Cause we like it! Don’t mess with RF chicken, man.

  • leftwingcon

    Look, Bishop. Get some thicker skin. People in this city are trogs. You just gotta learn to have fun with it. To the auto-phile who car you nearly desecrated youo could’ve said “Hey, I don’t know about you, but I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to the Geco.” The to woman with the dog with your size 9 planted on his snout I may have sais, “No worries. This is how we greet all dogs of the leash where I’m from – BTW -I’m from Baltimore.” To the dude that tried to Ferris Bueller your car in the parking deck one may have have retorted to his foreign jibber-jab, ” Ya see right there, Esse? This car has a GPS unit that ONLY speaks in English and uses racist remarks.”

    Have fun, Bro. A Bishop of Baltimore should be blase and glib. Once you no longer give a fuck, people will take notice.

  • beth

    People are angry because there’s a lot to be angry with. But there’s no real way to use that anger and make a difference because we’re all working for the man. So we take it out on each other and feel better that we’ve slapped somebody, at least.

    And we’ll probably never see them again so who cares if we’ve damaged them.

    Ha. Seriously funny, thanks! And if you ever kick my dog again I’m going to sue you.