Best of Craigslist: April 2013

You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

photo 1“JHMI shuttle driver”
Date Posted: April 9, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Age: n/a
Message: “You have a huge bears, a neat haircut, you wear aviators, you drive the Hopkins shuttle and you read between stops.  Who ARE you?  You were the cutest damn thing I saw all day … and it was BEAUTIFUL out!

Questions Raised: This is not the first posting I’ve seen for this gentlemen; he’s obviously a killer with the ladies.  Word on the street/shuttle from friends in the Hopkins bubble is that he’s a regular driver.  Honey, if you’re as into him as you say, let him know!  Others are vying for his attention, and you just need to make a move.  I bet resident Advice Columnist, Spaceman Andy, would agree.    It’s 2013 – ladies are allowed to ask for numbers these days.

photo 2“You almost ran me over today (Starbucks)”
Date Posted: April 2, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Age: n/a
Message: “I was on my bike and you almost ran me over.  I smiled even though I was scared haha and you looked fun covering your mouth.”

Questions Raised: HAHA YOU ALMOST HIT ME IT WAS HILARIOUS.  Being hit by a car is no joke, especially when on a bicycle.  This woman is likely irresponsible, and you should definitely not be making light of a serious matter.  True story: I’ve been hit by a car while biking. And do you know what the man said to me?  “Aw man, this just happened with a jogger!”  Needless to say, our wedding is scheduled for this August.  That man was, shockingly, not my one true love.  I had/have no desire to date him, and to this day I still hold some resentment.  Cars + bikes + crashes ? romance.  Ever.

photo 2“opening day, I think you knocked your tooth out… (Pickles Pub)”
Date Posted: April 6, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Age: n/a
Message: “you were pretty drink & came over & danced with me for a bit …. your friends pulled you away & made you sit on a planter which you fell off of & knocked yourself unconscious… I ran over to aid you until the firemen took over … I hope you’re alright.  you’re really cute.”

Questions Raised:  Such violence in the missed connections this month!  Buddy, she doesn’t remember you.  If she couldn’t remember how to sit properly without falling over, she definitely has no recollection of you.  It saddens me, it does, because you helped her out, assuming your story is true.  But, lesson learned, if you want to get a girl’s number, choose the girl that isn’t blackout drunk.  #datingtips

Get extra cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!

photo 4

“starving musician”
Date: April 22, 2013
Message: “So trying to find a job sucks.  I have skills, but they’re all things I’ve learned on my own, not through a job or school or whatever.

Here’s something I made recently:

I have a deep voice, I’m intelligent, I’m well-spoken, and I love being of use.  Nothing irks me more than doing something that only uses a portion of my potential.

I can make you music for your work.”

Questions, Comments, Concerns: You.  You are what is wrong with “kids these days.”  You are why everyone thinks Millennials are lazy and entitled.  I highly doubt you bothered to learn to much in school or really applied yourself at your job(s), and it’s awfully generous to consider yourself well-spoken.  Arrogance, by no means, makes you eloquent.

I listened to your song.  I know how much it sucks to put your heart and soul into something and have a stranger tear it apart, so I’ll be gentle, especially since I am far from a musical expert.  Buddy, amigo.  Your song is titled, “Neckcrust.”  That wasn’t your best option, for starters.  Secondly, your song isn’t atrocious.  I’ve heard far worse.  However, you shouldn’t be writing off the 9-5 world quite yet.  Why not just use a portion of your potential at a day job, and come home to try your hand at the music scene in the evenings?  You need to get over yourself first, and then come up with better song titles.

Where to go when someone needs that je ne sais quoi you may just own.

photo 2“mountain bike 20 – or more”
Date: April 28, 2013
Cost: $1
Message: “trade for 20 gallon marineland fish tank”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  As someone on the market for a road bike, this was particularly disappointing for me.  The fish tank doesn’t make its presence in the deal known until you click on the ad.  Since I’ve seen many a bike ad in the past few days, I can say with some degree of confidence that no one with a bike to unload is looking for a 20 gallon fish tank.  I say, take it on over to La Sirenita and try to get some free grub.

Someone else’s useless crap can now become your useless crap at no cost to you!

photo 2“Full size Aerobed w/ slow leak”
Date: April 7, 2013
Message: “I have a Full Size electric pump Aerobed that has a slow leak due to the pillowtop seam coming undone inside the bed. I was told it can be repaired, but that there are no facilities near me that do this anymore. It still works, but makes a “balloon” type bulge on top. This problem also makes it difficult to get all of the air out of the bed when deflating.

Description of the problem:

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  The first thing the link will tell you is that the leak is not repairable.  This ad lies.  This guy has likely had this air mattress for years, forcing unsuspecting guests to nights of deflation.  The answer on the Coleman website states that too much pressure, from say, inflation, or a fat friend, will strain the PVC vinyl to the point where it pops.  It ought to come with a disclaimer: “THE COLEMAN AIR BED IS ONLY INTENDED FOR USE BY PREMATURE INFANTS AND FABREGE EGGS.”  And, as always, The Oatmeal was ahead of the game on this one.

photo 2“FFree: Long Nightgown (only worn once)”
Date: April 10, 2013
Message: “Small (prob size 6/8 ish).  Let me know what time you can come today – thanks”

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  Of all the things, no seriously, of all the things, to give away for free on Craigslist, why a nightgown?  I know Village Thrift on North Ave closed, and it makes me sad, too, but take your old clothes to a thrift store.  There are others in the city!  Why did you only wear this once?  What happened the one time you wore it?  Are there questionable stains on it?  Most importantly, who actually sleeps in floor length silk nightgowns?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *