The City That Breeds » Advice » TIPS FOR GETTING A JOB

TIPS FOR GETTING A JOB

Pope Ron Swanson

Hello CTB Family!

Your friendly neighborhood self-appointed Bishop here with a little advice.  Lately I’ve been doing a lot of interviews.  My company is hiring and candidates have been coming out of the woodwork.  Meeting some of these people has been an extremely informative experience. I would like to share you four tips I’ve learned as an interviewer on interviewing for a job.

#1 – EDIT YOUR DAM RESUME BEFORE YOU SEND IT TO ME

I ask you, are there no standards anymore?  Where is the pride people?

I got one resume with no name on it.  Experience looked good…but I don’t know who you are?  How am I supposed to hire you if I don’t know your name?

I got another resume on which the word intelligence was spelled “intellectagance”.  I’m not kidding.  The person wrote under the heading “UNIQUE SKILLS” the phrase “Strategic Intellectagance.”  Really?  Seriously.  You gonna misspell intelligence?  That resume went immediately into the incinerator.

Finally, I got a resume which claimed the person received a BA in business from a major university in 2001.  Sounded good… ‘til I read down and saw on the line below the same person graduated from High School in 2007.  Now I’m not the sharpest knife in the brown block on your kitchen cabinet…but I even know High School should come before college.  Get your dates together before you email me your crap.

#2 – DON’T BE LATE AND MAKE ME WAIT FOR YOUR ASS

I told the candidate I would meet him at a coffee house at 3pm.  I sent him a Google map to the address and my phone number in case he had problems finding the place.  I got a text…a text…yes, I said a text…at 2:50pm which read, “I am stuck in traffic.  Will be there soon.”  I thought, “Okay.  You can’t help traffic.”

I got a second text at 3:15pm which read, “Bus broke down.  Getting on 2nd bus.  Be there soon.”

I got a third text at 3:35pm which read “Almost there.”

The candidate finally arrived at 4:05pm.   I was still there.  I had stuck around so I could look him in the eyes and say to him, “Never do this shit again.”  Then he made me wait another 10 minutes while he stood in line for a coffee.  I was blown away.  He sat down and I said to him, “This interview is already over.”

And he had the balls to say, “Oh?  Do I get the job?”

#3 – KNOW WHERE THE INTERVIEW IS BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE

Same coffee house a few days later.  3 minutes before the set time I get a phone call from the candidate.  He tells me he can’t find the place and gives me his location.  I tell him he is not far and give him directions to get to where I am.  By car it should have taken him 2 minutes.

10 minutes later I get a second call.  He is still lost.  He tells me his location again.  He has been going in the opposite direction…but he hasn’t gotten very far.  I tell him not to worry, to turn around, and then I gave him new directions.

15 minutes later a third call.  Still lost.  He gives me a his location again.  He has only moved three blocks.  I say, “Man, traffic must be horrible.  You are barely moving.”

He replies, “I’m on foot.”

Now it would have been 2 minutes by car…but it is going to be a half hour on foot.  Being the gracious and kind Bishop I am I said, “Stay where you are.  I’ll come to you.”  We had the interview in a Burger King.  Sadly for him, it didn’t really matter how well the conversation went.  I was done.

#4 – WEAR YOUR OWN DAM CLOTHES…BUT MAKE SURE THEY ARE NICE

One candidate showed up for the interview in a wife-beater and blue jeans with a baseball cap on.  Now I’m a fairly casual guy, but this is an interview for a serious job.  I’m not hiring for Walmart.  This job requires at least a college degree…and this candidate had one.  He walked in the door and I thought, “Put some dam real clothes on.  This ain’t a casting call for the Jersey Shore.”

Another candidate came in a suit that was two sizes too big.  I have more respect for this candidate than the former, but it looked just as bad.  He was a grown-ass-man, but he looked like a little kid playing dress up with his daddy’s stuff.  I would have rather seen him in a polo and decent pants that fit.

#5 – BE AWARE OF YOUR ONLINE PROFILES WHEN YOU ARE LOOKING FOR WORK

The first thing I do after a good interview is Google you.  There are privacy settings on Facebook for a reason people!  Use them.  You may have nailed the interview, but when I go to your Facebook page and see a profile picture of you stoned surrounded by beer bottles I am unlikely to hire you.

It is the digital age people.  Be aware.  If you put your twitter address on your resume, I’m going to look it up.  And if I see tweets like, “@Tiffany47 you are an f’ed up bitch and I’m going to punch your face!”  I don’t know if you are kidding.  I don’t know if this is a joke.  And I am now unlikely to hire you.  Don’t hand me your twitter name and think I’m not going to look at it.

In conclusion my CTB peeps…

If you want a job, don’t act like a moron.  Be prepared.  Present yourself well.  And know that I’m going to Google your ass.

Filed under: Advice

  • http://twitter.com/evanthemayor Evan

    1) This sounds like a city position you’re trying to fill, or possibly sanitation, but the college degree part is really throwing me off here

    2) This coffee house, is it in a black hole or a time warp of some variety? It seems difficult to locate for anyone but yourself. Are you on the LOST island and don’t know it?

  • LizzyB

    Okay, I don’t know what company or institution you work for, but this thing goes both ways: maybe I’m being too formal, but a coffee shop seems like no place for an interview. If you are hiring for the kind of job at a company where an interview at a coffee shop is acceptable, maybe that’s why you are getting shitty candidates. Just sayin’.

  • Cheese

    I’ve definitely seen my fair share of resumes with typographical or grammatical errors, which I agree is unforgivable. I too would like to reach out to those people and explain why their résumé sucks so I say bravo to the bishop!!

  • http://twitter.com/TheBishopofCTB The Bishop of CTB

    The Coffee House in question is in a very easy to find location, unlike our office. Not a black hole..which is why I thought it would be a good place for interviews…but after the above experiences (and a few others I didn’t have space for in the post) I’ve stopped holding interviews there. LizzyB – You might be right.

  • Um

    It’s “damn.” A dam is something that impedes the flow of water.

    If you are going to be critical of other’s grammar, it would behoove you to edit your dam [sic] article if you plan on sharing it with everyone on the intewebs.

    • http://citythatbreeds.com/ Admin

      “Dam” is a term featured on all of the Bishop’s articles as an alternative to the seen as offensive by some “Damn.”

    • http://twitter.com/TheBishopofCTB The Bishop of CTB

      Excellent point Um. The Bishop does not spell well…and is occasionally a hypocrite.