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Truth In Numbers

truth in numbers

City That Breeds scientists have recently concluded a 2400 sample, seven month study on motherhood behaviors in and around the Baltimore area with regard to the decibel levels with which area females publicly discipline their offspring; specifically, in the middle of neighborhood intersections while strollering additional offspring to and from undisclosed locations.

The results, as published in this month’s PNAS, show a direct correlation between household income and loudness with which first-to-fifth time mothers publicly screech at their children for “ackin’ outta turn.”

One subject, whose caterwauling was recorded for study purposes at a decibel level of 348, illustrates a typical example:

RAY-RAY! I DIDN’T SAY YOUSES COULD CROSS THE DAMN STREET! GET YER ASS BACK HERE BEFORE AH BEAT IT RED!

When given a three question survey, the results demonstrate that study females whose spouses – or in many cases estranged spouses – that contribute less than $30,000 in household income tend to discipline their young in a manner that is 4100% louder or more than those making a mere ten thousand dollars in excess of that amount. The results are puzzling and have been sent to the NICHD for further analysis. One theory is that as household income increases, parents are too tired from working a full time job to raise their voices, or possibly as income reaches the $80,000 level the children are spoiled and receive no discipline whatsoever – or are so constantly entertained by consumer electronics they require no supervision.

While the sharp decline between $30-40,000 and public screechocity is at this time unexplainable it has been made clear in several hundred samples that at the $100,000 level, parents cease walking their children around and hire out of country females to take care of such activities, and therefore never publicly admonish their children. (p < 0.05, one tail)

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  • http://twitter.com/evanthemayor Evan

    sir i hold my standards quite high and your “science joke” about poor people being loud is offensive