This week I realized just how many people really do start off their new year with a (pun absolutely intended) bang.
“STONE MASON WITH CRESCENT MOON TATTOO- (Old Town Alexandria)”
Date Posted: January 1, 2013
Sex: Female (for M)
Message: We met New Year’s Eve at a dive bar on King Street. You said you were a Stone Mason, visiting Alexandria from Baltimore. You’re 24 years old, really cute, and really tall. We went back to my house for some fun, during which you told me to say “I love you,” among a few other things you forced me to say. I’ve never submitted to anyone like that before in my life. You said you thought you love me, but left in a hurry when my roommates were fighting loudly, and you did not give me any way to contact you. I think you were getting a ride back to Baltimore with your friend.
Please respond with your name, the location of your crescent moon tattoo, and some details of our evening. I need you.
Questions Raised: The next day, and I’m sure this is completely unrelated, someone posted, “Does anyone know Derrick? He is 24. He has some tattoos. Please tell him Lisa from Alexandria wants to find him.” Oh Lisa. Oh honey. You’re beginning to look slightly desperate. You made a poor New Years decision fueled by, presumably, large quantities of Andre. Live, learn, and be a little less naive.
“Sexy Sandwich Girl”
Date Posted: January 5, 2013
Sex: Male (for F)
Message: You were making deliveries for Jimmy John’s last night in the Federal Hill area. I just wanted to say that you’re smokin’ hot, even in the cold. You’ve got to have an amazing body, riding that bike around all day and night. And with those sexy librarian glasses, I’m not sure I’d be able to keep up in a conversation, if I was able to say anything at all. More likely, I’d be in a state of stunned silence by your beauty. I doubt you’ll read this, but if you do, hit me up. The sandwiches are good, but I’d much rather find out what you taste like.
Questions Raised: If there is every any reason not to be a foodservice delivery person, it would be this very post. We should all take a moment and acknowledge just how terrible those jobs really are – creepers like this call you a “Sexy Sandwich Girl,” and spend their free time documenting their fantasies about you on the internet – their fantasies in which they compare you to a sandwich. What a Casanova. Next time you order something from GrubHub or call up (insert preferred pizza place here), remember to tip well and keep your hands and mind to yourself. It’s the civil thing to do for those who bring you dinner.
It’s weird pet week on Craigslist! Come claim your new household companion free of cost for a good snake snuggle or handicap starfish game of fetch.
Date: January 3, 2013
Message: free pueblan milk snake. does not bite. very calm. free if can come and pick up. will also give away tank
Questions, Comments, Concerns: Why are you getting rid of your snake if it doesn’t bite people? Why does your snake not bite people? Perhaps if it bit people, it could’ve bit you and gotten itself out of this conundrum of incarceration. How thoughtful of you to give it away with the tank; I’m sure snake tanks are highly useful sans snake, so I really do appreciate this gesture.
“FREE LIVE STARFISH REEF TANK SALTWATER AQUARIUM”
Date:December 31, 2012
Message: Free starfish…picture is generic. It looks similar to this with more black on the body. It only has four legs. It had five when I bought it and somehow has since lost a leg. It’s about 6-7 inches around It is eating some of my shellfish and a jellyfish so I need it gone. Apparently they eat just about anything. I am available after 4 pm weekdays. Thanks! Please call or email-no access to email after 4pm.
Questions, Comments, Concerns: This breaks my heart, truly. The quadriplegic pets never seem to get adopted from the shelters, so what on earth happens to the quadriplegic starfish who only makes it to the free page on Craigslist? Is he relegated to a tragic death as filling for ghetto sushi? Will the angry shellfish and jellyfish go all Lord of the Flies on him? This person doesn’t explain how the fifth leg was lost, assuming we’ll all be accept the simple adverb, “somehow” as sufficient explanation. Hang in there, little guy. Someone will save you!
Jobs – Part Time
Make up lost holiday cash the classy way – selling your body and self esteem on Craigslist!
Date: January 3, 2013
Message: Looking for dependable people to holding/waving signs to promote locate Tax Company, three different locates are available.
– Need reliable transportation to & from work.
– Open to women and men, ages 18 and older
– 4 hour shifts – must be available to work on weekends
Questions, Comments, Concerns: For this posting, I defer wholly to David Sedaris and his brilliant synopsis of applying for a job in Santaland at Macys in the early 90s. He says:
I am a 33-year-old man applying for a job as an elf. I often see people in the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I usually avoid leaflets, but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So if there is a costume involved, I tend to not only accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, “thank you so much,” and thinking, “you poor son of a bitch.”
If the eloquent Sedaris is not to your liking, then I shall point you to The Flight of the Conchords.