The Best of Craigslist: December 9 – 15

some images may contain bonus material, click away!

Missed Connections
You know that unsettling guy from the bar you were avoiding on Friday night, or how about that girl that won’t leave you alone at the gym?  Here is where you’ll find them, in their tragic, creepy entirety.

“Sav a lot”
Date Posted: December 9, 2012
Sex: Male (for male)
Age: 40

Message: I asked you where the sugar free cookies were.  I think you are real sexy.  I would love to hook up with you sometime.

Questions Raised: I thank you for this classic Missed Connection.  You offer a snippet of the circumstances, a compliment, and your intentions.  You’re succinct, and that speaks volumes.  You are a man who knows what you want.  What you do not offer, however, is a hint of personality.  Perhaps it’s fitting that you’re looking for sugar-free cookies, as you seem to lack any semblance of sweetness yourself.  Yes, that’s right.  I think so lowly of you that I subjected you to a cliche.

Latin American Soap“Hot August Night”
Date Posted: 
December 12, 2012
Sex: Female (for male)
Age: 27

Message: I think about that night at least a dozen times a day.I think of you snuggled up between my breasts breathing me in. I think of your big strong body on top of me. The desparation in your breath and voice to have me. The look of satisfaction on your face. You told me you love me the other day. It breaks my heart. I want you but I know the circumstances in our lives make things extremely difficult. I miss you so much. I would do anything for you. I wish we could just run away together. Please don’t forget me my secret lover.

Questions Raised: There are so many bad things going on here.  First off, your subject sounds like a Latin Soap Opera – “Una Noche Caliente en Agosto.”  I think this dude is with someone else.  I think you’re pining over him, and I think you’re taking your cues for next steps from Nora Roberts novels.  I’ve had feelings like this before, for sausage biscuits from McDonalds.  I knew they were bad for me, but  just couldn’t keep away.  Then my doctor told me to cut gluten out of my diet, which meant not only the biscuit, but the sausage patty as well, since gluten is used in the “meat flavoring.”  It was hard.  I struggled for so many months.  My friends helped me out, came over, listened to my cries.  In these tough times, distract yourself with other snacks men and/or hobbies.  Stop watching latin soaps.  You’ll be okay.

Because where else in the world can you find discarded gems, free of cost? Even Village Thrift charges you a minuscule amount to cover the cost of their threadbare upkeep.

photo 2“FREEBIES: accessories for Ms. Potato Head toy”
Date: December 12, 2012

Message: I have three pair of feet/shoes for the Ms. Potato Head toy. They were in a bag of donated clothes and toys. I thought the feet could be put to best use, if they are united with someone who already has a Ms. Potato Head 🙂 There’s also a spare hand and a little plastc hat.

please give me your pick up plans.. PLEASE note–I just pulled a stock photo from the web, I do NOT have the entire toy!!!

Questions, Comments, Concerns:  Maybe I’ve been watching too much Dexter as of late, but serial killers are the first thing that come to mind when I think of “pairs of feet,” “spare hand” and “in a bag.”    Your intentions are good, but frankly, your bag of potato prosthetics is particularly sinister.  Take them to the thrift store, and just let the reunification happen organically.  No pesticides, no meddling.

photo 3“Boxes for Christmas”
Date: December 11, 2012

Message: Free boxes for Christmas. There are 12 small boxes for your use.
All of these boxes are clean. You can use these put small Christmas presents into and wrap.
These items are sitting on my driveway. I shall remove this post when I see the items have been removed.
I am located in Rosedale close to where Golden Ring Mall was located; now a Home Depot and Walmart. I am off of the Philadelphia Road (Route 7) exit of the Beltway.
If you come at night bring a flashlight.  The driveway is dark and difficult to see.

Questions, Comments, Concerns: “Just come to my super dark driveway and take my “festive holiday boxes.”  Nothing bad will happen.  Promise”  I remember hearing about a slew of murders and violent crimes happening due to Craigslist meet ups a year or so ago, and I’m pretty sure you were the main perpetrator.  You put forth too much effort trying to convince me this is safe, festive and trustworthy.  I’m skeptical.  Keep your boxes – my safety is worth $2.99 at CVS.

Jobs – Part Time
The holidays are here and maybe you’re pinching pennies to buy Mom that new sweater set from Coldwater Creek. Here are some opportunities for making extra cash on the side to pay that higher BGE bill, or cover the cost of that office Secret Santa gift.

photo 1“Sexy Leg Model”
Date: December 11, 2012

Message: Looking for part time Sexy Leg Model for the adult web site.
start up around $150 ~ $350 per session.
Lookin for age between
21 to 29 [ 2 models ]
30 to 39 [ 3 models ]
40 to 49 [ 2 models ]
please send your pictures withe your contact info, [ mor picture the better ] [more leg pictures is +]
MUST BE 21+[ under 21years please DO NOTsend pictures]
1] name
2]age -birthday
3]city-area you live in
We will contact you for the interview

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Objectively, how is one supposed to know if their legs are sexy?  Someone with unattractive legs but incredibly high self esteem may submit theirs and be shot down, thus crushing their self esteem.  Alternatively, it’s quite possible that someone with low self esteem may not realize how attractive their legs are, and they’d never apply.  Conundrum!  I also hope they provide pointers on how to add this to your LinkedIn profile, because the title, “Sexy Leg Model” is terrible.  How about, “Lodestar of Lower Limbs?”  Just brainstorming, here.

ford escort“Escorts Needed”
: December 15, 2012

Message: Local company seeking escorts for business men in town. This is an ESCORT service which involves nothing than company for the guys. Special arrangements can be made. You determine your hours. You determine what dates you take.
MUST be over 18.
Serious Inquiries only. Email pictures and contact info. Interviews will be held as needed.

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Let’s not kid ourselves.  These men would like a little more somethin’ somethin’ than just company.  What are the “special arrangements?”  Can we learn more about that?  What kind of photos do you want?  Are unsexy legs photo okay, because a lucky applicant could kill a few birds with one stone here.  Things to consider before applying: student loans really aren’t that bad.  Picking your hours may be nice, but so is having a Human Resources office to report, say, sexual assault to.  Unless I’ve completely mistaken your understanding of “escort,” and you mean that sexy thing I learned to drive in.  My apologies.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *