OH MY FUCKING GOD, SpaceManAndy….
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH My stress levels have reached critical mass. Lots of changes at work and home have left me feeling on edge, irritated, and just overwhelmed! Can you please help me calm the fuck down?!
Thanks,
OMG THE SKY IS FALLING in Arlington
Dude, you’re freaking me out over here. I, like you and everyone on Earth, am also susceptible to stress. In a big way. This puts me in a position to help. I’m actually super stressed right now for reasons I won’t bore you with.
So, take a deep breath and let’s work through this thing together, shall we?
Before we get started, full disclosure: A lot of my advice in today’s column is being directly ripped off from my therapist. She is a lovely woman and very helpful. If anyone would like her contact info, hit me up. She’s in Baltimore’s Mt. Vernon neighborhood.
Ok, let’s begin. First, close your eyes. well, close your eyes after reading this. Otherwise you won’t be able to read my instructions. We’re going to meditate in the simplest way possible. You don’t need a yoga mat or a mantra or anything. Just close your eyes and count your exhales up to 50. That’s it. It will help clear your mind as well as regulate your body’s vitals. You can use this technique when sitting down, or laying down, or however you want. And since it doesn’t take long, it’s great for those moments at work where you just want to respond to a co-worker’s asinine email with a e-bitch slap… or a real bitch slap. Anyhoo, when you feel that rage, or that feeling of being so swamped that you can’t do anything, just close your eyes and try this technique. I’ve been doing this for a while. I try to do a set every night before bed (it also helps me sleep) and it helps me stay even keeled. I still use this technique as needed, which has been every day this week.
Once you have done your breathing you should be a little calmer. If you’re still feeling overwhelmed, make a list of what you have to do. I know this sounds super cliche, but it helps to visualize what you have to do. It will help, if only to calm the fear that you’re forgetting something super important. Pick the easiest thing to do, and just do it. Don’t worry about the other shit you have to do. Just tackle that one task.
As you finish something simple and cross it off your list, you will feel more confident so you can tackle the harder tasks. When I stopped going to the gym for a while, my therapist recommended that I only do 10 min on the elliptical when I went back. This uses the same theory as crossing off the easy tasks. It’s all about that feeling of accomplishment. If you go in to do your first task, and it sucks hardcore (like doing 45 min of cardio after being away for a month) you won’t be motivated to do another task, or go back to the gym the next day.
These things should help you assuage your panic when things feel like you just have too much to do and everyone around you is an idiot.
I have one more suggestion. It might seem kind of weird, but this actually helps. Have an emotional response to something. I know I have a tendency to bottle up all my frustrations, put my head down and power through. Now, in a lot of situations, that is a good thing. But it isn’t good for overall mental health. When we bottle up our frustrations and emotions, they can come out in unhelpful and sometimes harmful ways. I can usually keep my cool at work, but then sometimes after swallowing all my rage at work, I will occasionally come home and be so upset I’m on the verge of rage-tears over something as stupid as things falling out of my freezer. You know the feeling. Aw, the ground beef fell, put it back and the peas fall. Put the peas back and they both fall and you’re screaming “FUCKING FUCK MOTHER FUCKING CUNT” at the top of your lungs. No? Is that just me? Well, then you can just ignore my advice to watch something super sad, like that episode of Futurama with the dog.
There’s a reason the ancient Greeks wrote tragic plays. Catharsis. Letting out emotions on something that doesn’t actually effect your life lets you look at your own life with a more level head.
The other thing you can do, is just smile. There was a study (and I can’t for the life of it remember the study, but I’m not going to let it stress me out) where they had participants hold a pencil sideways in their teeth without letting their lips touch it. This mouth shape simulates a smile, without telling the participants that they were smiling. The amount of beta waves (happy brain activity) increased in participants who “smiled” more so than participants who did not. My point is this: even if you aren’t happy, the mere physical act of smiling might make you feel better.
I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
SpaceManAndy