Dear SpaceManAndy,
My girlfriend of 4 years and I recently broke up. I’m ready to start fulfilling my… ahem… needs again, but not for another relationship. This wouldn’t be a difficult thing to do, except, I am a nice guy to a fault. I’m in college, so I’ve been in the position where that was a possibility, but I cant figure out how to do it, and not pursue a relationship without being a complete douche.
Help me!
Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am, but I’m not interested in a relationship right now. I’m very sorry… in Maryland
Dear Wham Bam,
First of all, I just want to say that you CAN be a nice guy and still get some No Strings Attached (NSA) action. It’s all in the way you approach the situation. There’s no one right way to do it since we’re talking about human interaction here. Human are unpredictable, but I will try my best here to guide you.
1) Be upfront. This is the number one rule (see, it’s right there next to “be upfront”). You don’t want to lead a girl on. Chances are if you meet a girl at a party and take her home, this won’t be a huge issue. I doubt the girl that follows you home after a party expects a relationship, but you still need to verbalize your intentions.
2) Be tactful. “SO, um, I’m just gonna hit it and quit it. That cool?” I mentioned there’s no right way, well this is the wrong way. Some guys might be able to pull that off and girls who have a thing for bad boys might swoon a bit; but you’re a nice guy. This is where you can actually shine. Highlight your nice guy thing here with phrases like:
“Listen, I just want to be totally honest with you, I’m not ready for a relationship”
“You’re a great girl, but I’m just not ready for a commitment. I just wanted to let you know before this goes any further. Is that cool with you?”
How could anyone hold that against you? Your real goals might be getting laid, but your phrasing tells her that you’re interested in honesty and respect. You could even offer to walk her home if she wants to opt-out. The key here is if she doesn’t want to go further with out, you have to continue to be a gentleman. You’re allowed to be disappointed, but you will lose all your good guy points if you react poorly after you told her it would be ok. And if you lose your good guy points, you won’t be able to cash them in later for that pair of fuzzy dice you’ve been saving for.
3) Timing. If you’re a REALLY good guy, you’ll give her the expectations speech BEFORE you head back to your place, but you run a higher risk of her changing her mind. If you’re willing to be mostly nice, you can wait until right outside her door, or when you get inside. That way she is already excited and will probably still go along with it. You start losing good guy points if you wait until you’re in the bedroom. Severe deductions for if you’re already in the bed. You are no longer a good guy if you wait until after the sex is over.
4) Do not let her spend the night. Even though you have told your lady that you do not want to pursue anything meaningful with her, some women take this as a challenge. Some women have seen too many romantic comedies. Your wannabe Anne Hathaway might want to spend the night and hope she can change your mind.
The best way to make sure this doesn’t happen is to tell her before the sex that you have something important to do in the morning. That way she is already prepped and you’re not in the awkward position of having to kick her out. Since you’re in school, you have a myriad of excuses.
“My roommate will be back tonight, and he is weird about girls staying over.”
“My mother is coming to visit early tomorrow.”
“I have to get up early to study.”
If she is drunk, you might have to tread more carefully and be a little more explicit about it. But also remember, if she is too drunk, don’t do it. It’s not good guy behavior to take advantage of a drunk girl.
5) Be nice after the fact. No matter how cool with NSA fun the girl is, NO ONE likes to feel used. If you see her on campus, smile and say hello. Don’t just ignore her. Now, if she ignores you, you are free and clear. You are allowed to pretend like it never happened, but it is rude to pretend like she doesn’t exist. If you want it to happen again, you can talk to her about it. BUT if it happens more than twice, you need to have a real talk with her about her intentions and yours.
Follow my advice, add in your own flourishes, be your nice self and things should work out fine.
I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
@SpaceManAndy
Excellent advice.
The only thing I’d add is if she’s drunk, spring for her taxi home. That way there’s no pressure for her to drive while intoxicated, nor is there an excuse for her to stay because she doesn’t have money for a cab.
The only reason I excluded the cab thing was because the advicee is in school and the girl can probably walk back to her place. But yes, if she can’t walk, it is gentlemanly to offer cab fare.
DO NOT say anything about hooking up or any of that stuff before you cross the doorway/entrance to your dorm/room/domicile – 99% of girls think it’s weird or too forward and do not want “that which should not be said” to be said until the silent agreement that you’re going home together is obvious when at a party or wherever you happen to be – then again I’ve been out of college for 80000 years so maybe girls are more into guys that are exceedingly forward with their intentions, but to me it’s like calling SHOTGUN! Before you’ve left the building
Premature [discussion of] ejaculation.
Right? must have awkward silent obvious agreement thing. or it’s creepy. don’t know why.
If she’s drunk it’s probably not the best idea to hook up, I’m just sayin. Not that we haven’t all done it but I think that’s half of all misunderstandings there.
I think it depends on how drunk. It’s sometimes hard to tell.