City Leadership passes lifetime appointment bill for all local political offices

Mayor praises decision, citing need to eliminate ‘problematic factors like voters’

City Hall – In response to declining populations, repeated incumbent victories and historically low voter turnout, the Baltimore City Council has unanimously passed a bill eliminating elections for all local leadership. Effective January 1st, all Baltimore officials serving in political offices as well as the General Assembly will serve lifetime appointments in their current positions.

At a groundbreaking for the mostly-public-but-sort-of-private Super Harbor Industrial Tower – dubbed “Harbor East-er”, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake praised the decision, citing revenue expenses. “This is a game changer,” she said. “No longer will the naysayers and the bellyachers have the ability to impede the wonderful progress being done by our leadership. Besides, as you know, we are now in our millionth year of budget shortfall. Every cent we can cut from revenue not already promised to TIFs, PILOTs, contractors or consultants is critical.”

After passage of the lifetime appointments bill, Bobby Curran, Councilman of the 3rd District, praised the legislation, saying, “Let’s face it. Baltimore City loves the outstanding work our political families are doing. Why else do they keep voting us in? We’re doing stuff. We shouldn’t let pesky things like “nepotism” and “ethics” stop our work. This is just the next natural step.”

Warren Branch, Councilman for the 13th council district also had positive remarks. “I like it because it recognizes my importance. A lifetime appointment is only used for folks whose work shouldn’t be stopped by voters. That’s what my brother told me. So I’m kinda am a Supreme Court judge. Call me Justice Branch – yeah, I like that. NO WAIT, Judge Branch.” Councilman Branch then began making Judge Dredd impressions, repeatedly stating “Hehehehehe I am the law. I AM the law.”

Recognizing the necessity of political elevation, the lifetime appointments allow politicians interested in running for other positions to receive a stipend, funded by revenue from an emergency tax on chicken boxes and bail bonds pens also unanimously passed by the council. In addition, a provision called the Welch Amendment requires that Council members nominate a family member as a successor for their position, by default.

To prevent ethical lapses from impeding their service, the council passed another amendment which gave all members immunity from any crimes they may have committed while on the job, referring to it as the “Dixon Did It” provision. Upon passage, Councilman William “Pete” Welch pistol whipped a homeless person begging for change in front of City Hall, noting the man was attempting to abscond donations made to the general fund that were “earmarked for homeless people.”