unPeterAngelos graced our presence with an exclusive interview last Opening Day, this year he’s decided to unveil his new policies for Camden Yards in yet another scorching exclusive only seen here at The City That Breeds.
FROM THE DESK OF UNPETERANGELOS
Welcome back, Orioles fanatics. It’s my pleasure to introduce you to another season of professional-like baseball in Baltimore. In addition to a slight adjustment in ticket prices, you may have noticed some other changes around Oriole Park. I’d like to take a moment to familiarize you with some of the recent revisions to stadium rules and regulations:
- Anyone caught licking the Babe Ruth statue on Eutaw Street will be immediately ejected from the park. Repeat offenders will be referred to John Waters’ publicist immediately.
- Fans are discouraged from taking nude photos in front of the B&O Warehouse. Pasties and panties are required at all time.
- Please avoid eye contact with gate ushers during pat downs. It only encourages them.
- Pursuant to the Americans with Disabilities act, we ask that you refrain from petting, feeding, or taunting Koji Uehera’s service translator.
- The Kiko Garcia Backrub Museum located next to the Section 84 ramp will now close at the end of the 5th inning.
- From time to time, you may notice panhandlers outside the stadium. We ask that you abstain from giving a vagrant money, unless he can do an adequate Fred Manfra impression – or is Fred Manfra.
- Anyone alive during the Orioles last World Series Championship is eligible to receive a free apology. See your usher for details.
- Treat Red Sox and Yankees fans with courtesy at all times – unless they run their filthy goddamn mouths.
And lastly, due to overwhelming fan support masturbation is now permitted in the following areas of the ballpark:
-The club level concession area
-The MASN outdoor set (prior to the postgame show only)
-The Babe Ruth statue (licking prohibited)
-The umpire locker room
Your cooperation is appreciated. Go Orioles!
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