Incoming District Attorney Gregg Bernstein hires staff, Coach K as standin

Reported today, District Attorney-elect Gregg Bernstein, who defeated incumbent attorney Patricia Jessamy in this year’s midterm election, selected several key individuals for leadership positions within his administration. Among them, trial lawyers and former prosecutors, but most notably Duke basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski, aka Coach K.

The move to hire Coach K, who will serve as a temporary standin during times when Baltimore City’s courts are overloaded with trials, is viewed as unusual by most.

“I mean look at the guy,” Bernstein noted in an interview via Twitter, “he looks friggin’ exactly like me, no one’ll ever notice if we slip him into a few softball trials.”

Baltimore District Attorney’s office is no stranger to unusual tactics for attempts at successful rates of conviction. In September, then District Attorney Pat Jessamy offered 2 for 1 conviction Groupons and discounts for bail, which some saw as a last ditch attempt on her part to maintain her tenure, while others hailed it as a maverick technique for enhancing public safety in the future. None of the Groupons purchased during the promotional period have been used as of yet, so their true effectiveness remains to be seen.

Coach K, when reached for comment via faxmodem, also confirmed the unusual nature of his hiring by recounting his childhood dreams of being a District Attorney. “Yeah I’ve always wanted to be up there, yelling at a jury to convict someone and send them to some like really badass hard labor camp, and say really cool stuff like “I am the law” to finish my argument. Totally sweet.”

“I mean, I make tens of millions at Duke but it’s not like I get to send anyone to jail! It’ll totally be like that movie Trading Places, except with lawyers instead of bankers, and two twin white guys instead of a white guy and a black guy.”

Coach K’s effectiveness as a trial lawyer has yet to be tested, but if his success as a basketball coach is any indication, Baltimore’s future just might have a few less criminals in it.

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