Facing legal pressure, Phusion Products releases Five Loko

Knee jerk hysteria is striking nationwide resulting in statewide banning of “Alcopops,” amidst the seemingly endless wave of college freshman who succumb to their potent alcohol content and fruity deliciousness. At the center of all of the attention is Phusion Products, creators of the acclaimed Elixir For Not Being Drunk called Four Loko. Aside from a public statement decrying unfair treatment of their products by legislature and a public commitment to responsible drinking, Fusion Products has another ace up its sleeve to be released in the next few weeks in the form of their new product, Five Loko.

“As the majority of state-and-campus-wide bans are aimed specifically at Four Loko, Five Loko is the safer, legal alternative,” a release from Phusion Products stated earlier today. “…and while various legislatures may attempt to ban Five Loko for its equally smooth and amped up raditude, rest assured Phusion Products is ready and willing to go as high as Seventeen Loko if we have to.”

In an email conversation between coordinators and investors, the possibility of a “lite” version of Four Loko, Two Loko, was discussed. Two Loko would contain essentially identical ingredients as Four Loko, but come in a 12 oz. can rather than the standard 24 oz. “The release of Two Loko is an option, but at this present time we are focusing all of our efforts into the marketing of Five Loko and its inevitable sequel products, Six Loko through Ten Loko.”

Meanwhile, students at colleges nationwide continue mixing non pre-mixed caffeinated beverages with alcoholic beverages with virtually no legal recourse. Washington State Attorney General Rob McKenna said in a statement “We are crafting legislation as we speak to ban the sale of non pre-mixed caffeinated beverages within 300 yards of alcoholic beverages in an effort to stave the youth craving to mix non pre-mixed caffeinated beverages with alcoholic beverages. It is our hope that universities and academic campuses nationwide will support this legislation in spirit by putting an immediate ban on the sale of all non pre-mixed caffeinated beverages in their campus stores.”

The legislation goes before the Washington State liquor board this Friday.

4 thoughts on “Facing legal pressure, Phusion Products releases Five Loko

  1. Seven Loko chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch,
    eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch.
    You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby.

  2. If you’re not happy with the first 7 minutes, we’re gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That’s it. That’s our motto. That’s where we’re comin’ from. That’s from “A” to “B”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *