Office of the State’s Attorney to offer 2 for 1 conviction Groupon, bail discounts

Facing sagging conviction rates and an uptick in high-profile, media saturated murders in the past few months, the Baltimore Office of the State’s Attorney has made a move that some are praising, others finding highly controversial; the office will be utilizing the social internet coupon service Groupon to offer 2 for 1 convictions in criminal cases, and 50% off bail coupons up to $10000. State’s Attorney Pat Jessamy, who spearheaded the initiative, spoke very confidently about the offer in front of a crowd of twelve people eating gyros at a food cart in front of the Clarence M. Mitchell, Jr. Courthouse this afternoon. “Our office is dedicated to preserving not just the community’s sense of safety, but more importantly, a great bargain!” she said. The crowd continued eating their gyros.

When asked about the effectiveness of the upcoming offer, Jessamy’s opponent in the upcoming primary election Gregg Bernstein looked somewhat confused and stated, “While I do support the idea of lowering bail requirements for minor crimes and releasing individuals on their own recognizance, we could just simply lower the bail rather than offering a discount on an existing bail amount. As for two for one convictions in criminal cases, I’m not entirely sure how a coupon could possibly facilitate convicting one or more unrelated crimes ….wait, is this the same criminal and two different cases, or two different people? Is this a joke?”

While the support for the value-based criminal enforcement strategy has received a great deal of praise from within the Office of the State’s Attorney itself, others speculate that the Groupon is nothing more than a stunt to temporarily boost conviction rates in the face of a primary election – which is less than a week away – against an opponent that is gaining rapid support in the community. When asked for comment on this notion, Jessamy stated “….smoke and mirrors. Lies, that’s a lie, you clearly have no understanding of how the system works. I am the law.” and offered no further comment. The primary election is on Tuesday, September 14th.

Pat Jessamy

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