|International Universal Singing Supernova Justin Bieber performed in front of a screaming, frenzied audience of over 12,000 people and several hundred animals at the Maryland State Fair on Sunday, sending humans into frothing convulsions coupled by uncontrollable sobbing and child worship. The condition, known as “Bieber Fever,” was previously considered to be a mild disorder with a relatively short disease course of several hours, or concurrent distance from the teenage singer, with very few if any lasting effects.
That is, unfortunately, until Sunday when it became apparent that Bieber Fever is contractible to livestock.
Within several minutes of Bieber’s performance, the hundreds of pigs, goats, cattle and sheep housed within the fairgrounds premises began showing symptoms of the disorder; oral foaming, uncontrolled tremor and staggering, a litany of physical issues that by Tuesday morning had claimed the lives of all but several of the animals. On Monday morning, dozens of cattle had been whipped into a frenzy and broken from their enclosures, wandering throughout the area primarily onto York Road where they succumbed to Bieber Fever and perished.
|Scientists believe the proximity between human individuals infected with Bieber Fever – or J1B1 as it is now referred to – was the root cause of the massive infection, with 5 mutant variants of the disease already identified by the CDC, making it the most rapidly evolving and virulent infectious agents since the discovery of HIV in 1981.
To make matters worse, some of the livestock to survive long enough were returned to their farmlands of origin, where the infection spread to remaining and otherwise healthy populations. By Tuesday morning, over 400,000 animals had to be euthanized on the Eastern seaboard, with the hog farms being worst effected – all but 8% of pork stock remain within a five state radius as of this afternoon.
Richard Jenkins, owner of a Chestertown-based hog farm, lost his entire stock of pigs. “I’ve lost everything.” He stated, choking back a stream of tears “my #1 prize males are all dead because of that kid’s horrible music. How am I supposed to feed my family now? Is Justin Bieber gonna pay my bills?
|When contacted, young Bieber’s PR firm refused any official comment. Evidence of a mass coverup may be underway, as Beliebers by the tens of thousands have been spreading pamphlets and fliers denying the existence of J1B1 outright or referring to it as “a weapon developed by the CIA in an effort to undermine the credibility and adorableness of our tiny savior, Justin Bieber.”
More on this situation as it develops.