SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Cocktail Nerd in Oakland

Dear SpaceManAndy,

I am a pedant who believes that only a drink consisting of gin and
vermouth (and possibly bitters) should ever be called a Martini. I
also believe that such a drink should always be stirred, never shaken.
In this world dominated by Grey Goose and James Bond, will I ever find
true love? Or at least a blowjob?


Cocktail Nerd in Oakland

Dear Cocktail Nerd,

Your willingness to compromise on love but not a good cocktail impresses me. I will help you, along with everyone else that reads this column, so listen up you three (Evan: HEY!). Just because you put a cocktail in a martini glass does not make it a Martini. I’ve seen Natty Boh poured into a martini glass, NOT A MARTINI. You are right, Nerd, a Martini consists of gin, vermouth, and sometimes bitters. You can play around with the proportions if you’d like. I for one like my Martinis very dry. If you use vodka instead of vermouth, you may call it a vodka martini, but not a Martini (see what I did there with capitalization? God, I love grammar). If you start adding other liquors it’s not a true Martini, and if you start adding juice, just put it in a normal glass because you’re not even close anymore. As a self-proclaimed authority on this subject that I only started thinking about when I started writing this, I will rule that the most creative you can get while making a Martini is using infused gin. So listen up Bartenders: If someone asks for a Martini, don’t ask “gin or vodka.” Make them a real Martini, and if they can’t handle it, tell them to get some class before coming to the bar. You may also slap the drink out of their hand. They don’t deserve it.

But I guess that wasn’t your question, was it? Your question was whether or not you’d find love or a blowjob. Probably not. Despite what I’ve just done for the past paragraph, people don’t like being yelled at about cocktails. If you can find one, then kudos to you. I’d check Craigslist, maybe you can find someone who likes being yelled about cocktails, or I’m sure you could pay someone to pretend they like it.

I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?

email SpaceManAndy with you urgent advice needs! He just wants to help you!

22 thoughts on “SpaceManAndy’s Advice for Cocktail Nerd in Oakland

  1. your ability to find love rests directly on the gin you prefer. if you like bad gin, you will be alone forever.

    and you left out the olive garnish in your list of Martini ingredients. for shame.

  2. Patty, I am making the ruling that the olive is optional, like the bitters.

    John, you will never find love.

  3. What would you call a drink that consisted of gin, vermouth, and possibly some bitters but is served in a plastic solo cup?? A Martini does not a Martini glass make.

  4. Has it been stirred then strained? If so, I’d still call it a Martini. If it’s over ice, then no.

  5. A drink is a drink. Does it get you drunk? Yes? It’s a drink!
    This is coming from a former drink snob who got too old to care. 🙂

  6. Is there any vermouth, Ryan? Did you stir it with ice? If so, you’re just drinking a very small Martini very quickly. And I don’t know about you, but gin always makes me less bitter.

  7. As a bartender, there is no bigger pet peeve than having someone ask your for a vodka martini w/ cranberry. “NO, I will not add cranberry to your drink to make you look more sophisticated.” If you want a cranberry & vodka, ask for it. Don’t ruin the sanctity of the Martini (see what I did there) by adding coloring or flavor. If you think that its too strong or tastes too bitter, then maybe you should have a juice box instead.

    Love your article.

  8. I will pit my own self-proclaimed expertise against yours, Spaceman, and assert that there is no such thing as a ‘Martini glass.’

    The Glasses pictured above are Cocktail Glasses. As such, they are appropriate for serving any straight-up cocktail. A Manhattan or a Rob Roy would be excellent candidates to be served in cocktail glasses.

    1. A very good point! I’m not saying that people should not put anything else in that particular glass. I, for one would consider serving cupcakes that way. My point is that it should not be called a Martini.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *