I am a pedant who believes that only a drink consisting of gin and
vermouth (and possibly bitters) should ever be called a Martini. I
also believe that such a drink should always be stirred, never shaken.
In this world dominated by Grey Goose and James Bond, will I ever find
true love? Or at least a blowjob?
Cocktail Nerd in Oakland
Dear Cocktail Nerd,
Your willingness to compromise on love but not a good cocktail impresses me. I will help you, along with everyone else that reads this column, so listen up you three (Evan: HEY!). Just because you put a cocktail in a martini glass does not make it a Martini. I’ve seen Natty Boh poured into a martini glass, NOT A MARTINI. You are right, Nerd, a Martini consists of gin, vermouth, and sometimes bitters. You can play around with the proportions if you’d like. I for one like my Martinis very dry. If you use vodka instead of vermouth, you may call it a vodka martini, but not a Martini (see what I did there with capitalization? God, I love grammar). If you start adding other liquors it’s not a true Martini, and if you start adding juice, just put it in a normal glass because you’re not even close anymore. As a self-proclaimed authority on this subject that I only started thinking about when I started writing this, I will rule that the most creative you can get while making a Martini is using infused gin. So listen up Bartenders: If someone asks for a Martini, don’t ask “gin or vodka.” Make them a real Martini, and if they can’t handle it, tell them to get some class before coming to the bar. You may also slap the drink out of their hand. They don’t deserve it.
But I guess that wasn’t your question, was it? Your question was whether or not you’d find love or a blowjob. Probably not. Despite what I’ve just done for the past paragraph, people don’t like being yelled at about cocktails. If you can find one, then kudos to you. I’d check Craigslist, maybe you can find someone who likes being yelled about cocktails, or I’m sure you could pay someone to pretend they like it.
I don’t know, I guess that could work. Maybe?
email SpaceManAndy with you urgent advice needs! He just wants to help you!