5 potential replacements for the male/female statue

In our last episode, we covered five possible alternative uses for the male/female statue in front of Penn Station that currently offends the eyes of all things living. And since the statue has officially been repurposed, now we begin the process of searching for a replacement. (click for big)

As was suggested previously by Baltimore Chop, the highly sought after statue of Frank Zappa which is supposed to be put up… somewhere in this city is an option. Oddly enough this looks 40 billion times more “Baltimore” than pretty much anything else. But I think we need a bit more …zazz.

…so how about this totally bitchin’ axe? A 50 foot flying V would be a constant reminder to everyone as to how hard Baltimore shreds. The guitar would come equipped with a loudspeaker that blares Dokkyn 24/7, and whenever a train arrives to the station it could play an immensely loud guitar squeal or solo, audible throughout the entire city. Rocks pretty goddamned hard, right?”The 8:15 from Philly has arrived. WEEDLY WEEDLY WEEDLY WAAAAAH”

…BUT NOT AS HARD AS TRUCKASAURUS!!! THIS BITCH WILL KEEP THE MORNING COMMUTERS ON THEIR TOES!!! YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!! YOU’D BETTER MOVE YOUR CAR WITHIN 5 MINUTES OR THIS ENGINE OF MAYHEM WILL DESTROOYYYY!!!

Too violent? Ok, let’s go with function over form. This amplified sonic tower emits a high frequency sound, attuned specifically so that only Yankees and Red Sox fans can hear it – the sound is so irritating to their cauliflower ears that they will be unable to come within four miles of the city’s borders, forever solidifying a sense of peace and tranquility in our fair land during baseball season.Off season, the tower will emit the sound of purring kittens.

Mmmmmm functional, but not very fun. How about this super fun rock climbing wall. White people love that stuff! Plus a smoothie stand at the base! Fun AND profitable!

So until the city decides to use one of these fantastic ideas as a replacement for male/female, we’ll all just have to keep our eyes closed when within visual distance of Penn Station. Especially while in traffic.