The Cafe Hon Flamingo – breakdown of the dumb.

This is truly and without question one of those days that the namesake of this website couldn’t be more appropriate.

The Sun reports this morning (A Flamingo Flap, 10/21/2009) that the giant, controversial (what?), pink flamingo adorning Cafe Hon in Hampden has been removed as a result of the owner, Denise Whiting, refusing to pay a fee of $800 for the ‘privilege’ of intruding upon public space. Other examples include outdoor seating, chalkboard advertisements (what an invasion of my space!) and statues, apparently. Really, none of the legalities or arguments as to whether or not this big dumb bird belongs on the restaurant’s fire escape interest me terribly. But let me tell you what does: reading the comments left on the article. MAN. High level entertainment. From the mess, here’s what I’ve kind of learned about this whole thing:

• Hampdenites tend to think very, very little of Cafe Hon, Honfest and the owner of Cafe Hon in general.
• Everyone else thinks the flamingo is an icon.
• The owner is “controversial” to the point that I overheard a reporter asking about her at another Hampden restaurant, which will undoubtedly result in an article about her specifically and therefore give her (and her restaurant) more publicity.
• Regardless of the situation’s outcome, Cafe Hon is going to benefit due to said publicity.
• Teenagers are still being shot and dying elsewhere in the city.

Again, I couldn’t care less about the flamingo or what people think about it, so I’d like to use this situation as an opportunity to make one simple point about living in and operating a business in Baltimore City: Sooner or later they will find a new way to try to get your money, one way or another. Always and forever.

And I’m not seemingly suggesting that a business shouldn’t pay for intruding on the use of common space – if it’s an actual intrusion or god forbid a legitimate safety hazard. Outdoor seating or some sort of ornamental fountain, these things get in the way of me trying to walk the full width of a particular sidewalk and a business should pay for such things, especially if they stand to profit due to their presence. But a statue of Elvis, chalkboard with specials on it, or a giant flamingo hovering ten feet above the ground at its lowest point? Not getting in the way, and not hurting anyone.

But the city hungers. It is entitled. It finds a way to walk right up to a business or home and knock on the door and say “Excuse me, but you owe us $800 for this.”

And where, exactly, did that figure come from? $800? Would it have been less if the flamingo were smaller, or if it were instead a flat tapestry hanging off of the fire escape instead of a sculpture protruding 1.5 feet outward? Would anyone have cared if it were a big American flag? In my mind the answer to the figure’s origin is pretty simple; it’s arbitrary. And I guarantee that if paid, the fee would go up in time and a new excuse would be made for why it has become necessary to pay $1000 to put a chalkboard on a sidewalk.

When infrequent author wgatsum asked the question “What’s the point of the Department of General Services?” last November, we all kind of shrugged and wrote it off as another waste of time and energy by the city government to perpetuate its own existence. Now it would seem that one of its main functions is pretty clear; to write parking tickets for buildings.