Hey guys! Remember back in March (that’s four months ago for you calendar-minded people) when I went to a protest out front of the Church of Scientology in Washington, DC? Apparently, the lovely folks in Scientology World do, and they sent me a letter about it!!
Sunday evening I get a call from my mother:
“Uh, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about a bunch of lawyers sending you a letter for some reason would you?”
She goes on to explain the contents of the letter – the HAND-DELIVERED letter – and I begin to bristle with excitement. The fine folks of Scientology, for whatever ass-brained reason, have attempted to uh, threaten? me with not legal action, or anything really. They just want me to know that they know that I know that they know who I am. But apparently their records are slightly out of date, since I haven’t lived with my mother in five years. I have to say I’m mightily curious as to how they obtained my address, although I’m sure it’s not that difficult.
But enough with the buildup. Here, for your reading enjoyment, is my lovingly transcribed and converted to .pdf letter (so you all can download it) received from the fleet of Scientology lawyers, operating out of Clearwater, Florida:
My own comments are in bold
Dear Mr. Evan:
Our law firm has been retained by the Church of Scientology International in connection with a series of terrorist threats against Church leaders and parishioners made by an internet group known as “Anonymous.”
Since January, 2008, members of Anonymous have engaged in a campaign of violence against the Church, its members and Church property (no they haven’t). Anonymous members have made numerous bomb threats (no), arson threats (nope)and committed acts of vandalism (…maybe) against Scientology Churches. They have made harassing phone calls (that I believe), sent vulgar and threatening faxes (hahahaha), posted threats on the internet and publicly threatened to kill Scientologists engaged in religious services (well of course, they are after all very violent people). On January 30, 2008, Anonymous members sent letters containing simulated anthrax to over twenty Scientology Churches in Southern California (even though no investigations have been ongoing, or even started, and no one involved with Anonymous has been implicated officially – because the whole thing was made up).
Anonymous members have also sent threatening emails to the Church (which one?), including “[I will] kill you… I have the authority to use lethal force”; and “I’m watching you, and I control the bombs.” And on February 13, 2008 Anonymous placed a video threat on the internet, saying “We are an elite Anonymous. On the 13th of March 2008… one 5 kilogram pack of nitroglycerin will detonate in the churches of Scientology across the United States of America… This will be the world’s biggest terrorist attack on a religion. Lives will be lost… A separate personal attack on [the President of the Church] will be launched on the 13th of March 2008 at an undisclosed time. His execution along with the deaths of other countless Scientologists will strike fear into the hearts of every member of this cult.
(there are so many things wrong with that paragraph I don’t even know where to to being. I’ll just simply note that the “Internet Threat” featuring 5 kilo bombs was eventually found to be made and produced by CoS themselves)
I enclose a brief documentary for your information, which sets forth additional evidence of criminal acts of Anonymous. Law enforcement authorities have been notified of these illegal activities (no such documentary was enclosed).
We are sending you this letter because we have reason to believe that you are associated with and you have been assisting Anonymous in its campaign against the Church. In particular you were identified as participating in “Anonymous” (I don’t get the air quotes here) activities against the church on March 15th, 2008 (oh you mean the part where I took photos and posted them on a website with my name on it?).
The purpose of this letter is to place you on notice (uh oh) that the activities of Anonymous in inciting violence against the Church and its members and engaging in acts of terrorism (such as the simulated anthrax attack, bomb, arson, and death threats) violate State and Federal law (YOU DON’T SAY!!). We demand you immediately cease all such activities. Should your organization continue inciting and/or engaging in violent acts against the Church or its members, we are prepared to take any and all steps necessary to protect our client, including referring names of persons to State and Federal authorities.
Very truly yours (I can’t believe he used this to close),
F. Wallace Pope, Jr.
But I want to rewind for a moment, to the last very stupid paragraph. You know, the one where they basically make the jump from having reason to believe that I am associated with Anonymous, which I am not, to just plain telling me that I AM involved with Anonymous AND I’m probably making death threats AND it’s MY ORGANIZATION (I seriously love that part the most).
I would think, and I ain’t got no law degree here, that if I were *actually* suspected of being involved with an *actual* terrorist group that the State and Federal authorities would have been notified a long, long time ago and I would have been interviewed by someone in person in GitMo, rather than just receiving some stupid fucking letter from a lawyer. But none of this has happened, because a) Anonymous is not a terrorist group, b) State and Federal authorities aren’t investigating them, c) the whole damn thing is a made up pile of horse shit.
Which begs this line of thought: If these guys and CoS know that the majority of their own crap isn’t true, and they know that I know that it isn’t true, then why take the time, money, and man hours to HAND DELIVER the letter (to my mother) at all? I assuming it’s a halfassed attempt at intimidation, but seriously, if they wanted me to shut up about how much SCIENTOLOGY IS A HUGE MONEY GRUBBING AND DISGUSTING CULT then they shouldn’t have done anything at all; if you check the timeline of this blog, I haven’t really said anything about CoS since April – so essentially they’ve now shot themselves in the foot because it backfired, FUCKING BIG TIME. Freedom of speech is such a bitch.
And so, I would like to outline my near-future plans for this letter:
1. The letter will be framed, hung prominently in my room
2. I will take a selected bit of the text and make some T-shirts out of it
3. I will write a reply letter, which promises to be both zany and intelligent
feel free to help me out with suggestions on that last bit. Bet your sweet berry-flavored asses I’ll be posting it when it’s done.